5 GA (GOLDEN AGE)
Dear Diary,
Well, gambling didn’t help matters. Now on top of being annoyed by everyone around me, I owe most of them money, too. I’ve lost practically all the earnings from my wrestling days. I tried to start a comeback by wrestling unicorns, but it didn’t have the same draw that the dragons had. No one wants to pay admission to see an old lady put a snooty horse in a headlock.
I did manage to score one good win in a card game last week—a golden egg! Now, as everyone knows, golden eggs are usually made of solid gold. But if you’re lucky, it’ll be fertilized! Which means a magic goose will hatch that lays golden eggs!
As luck would have it, on my way home from the card game I felt something moving inside the egg! It was definitely fertilized! I was going to be rich! I’d never have to worry about gambling debts again! Finally, after helping so many idiots achieve a happily-ever-after, I was going to get my own!
I was terribly paranoid that something would happen to the little zygote, so I made it as comfortable as possible until it was ready to hatch. I carefully wrapped it in blankets and rested it by the fireplace to stay warm. I even cradled it and sang soothing songs to it. (Actually, I don’t have a good singing voice, so it probably thought it was on a sinking ship.)
Eventually, the little chick started pecking at the shell. This was it! With every piece it chucked away I thought of another extravagant purchase I was going to make with its future eggs. A beach house in Mermaid Bay, a country estate in the Charming Kingdom, a cabin in the Dwarf Forests—the possibilities were endless!
Unfortunately, wealth wasn’t in my immediate future after all. A gander hatched out of the egg! That’s right—a useless male goose! I could kiss my expensive dreams good-bye.
I thought I was disappointed to see him, but you should have seen the look he gave me! The goose looked me up and down and shook his head judgmentally. He squawked at me, and although I’m not as fluent in bird as I am in other animal dialects, I could have sworn he said, “No, this isn’t right. You can’t possibly be my mother.”
“You think you’re disappointed? You were supposed to be my retirement fund! Now what am I supposed to do with you?” I said.
The gander eyed my stomach and squawked again, as if to say, “Judging by your midsection, I’m afraid to ask.”
“I’m not going to eat you, smart aleck,” I said. “You look far too gamey for my taste. I might get the runs just from looking at you!”
His beak dropped open as if it was the most offensive thing he had ever heard—and I had to remind myself that it probably was, since he was only a minute old.
He squawked again and headed for the door as if to say, “I just hatched out of a golden egg! I will not put up with this treatment.”
“Don’t let the door hit your tail feathers on the way out!” I yelled after him. “Good luck lasting outside! There are plenty of hungry creatures in the woods that would love a gamey snack!”
The gander slammed the door and left my house. He was surprisingly strong for an infant. I didn’t let it upset me, though. It takes more than a feathered tantrum to grind my gears.
I poured myself a glass of bubbly and cozied up in my favorite rocking chair. I was looking forward to a nice quiet night alone, but I couldn’t stop thinking about the little guy.
What had I done? He wasn’t even an hour old yet and I let him waddle into a forest with no protection. I couldn’t just sit there—I had to find him! I just hoped it wasn’t too late.
I ran outside into the woods with a lantern raised above my head. Thankfully, it had snowed the night before, so I was able to follow his tiny webbed footprints into the forest. I found the little bugger standing in a clearing in the middle of the woods. Thankfully, he was alive… but he wasn’t alone!