Chapter 3
Be Cautious of Compliments
One of the first things they teach a new leader is to beware of flattery. Someone may be using praise and compliments as a way of gaining your trust, only to betray you in the end. You must guard your heart and keep a lookout for people with alternative motives.
While I’m sure this is a great lesson for ugly people in positions of power, I can safely say it doesn’t apply to me. As you know, I’m overwhelmingly beautiful. If I distanced myself from every flatterer, I would have to live in total solitude. In fact, it’s more concerning when someone is in my presence and they don’t compliment me. Those are the people I need to keep an eye on.
Thankfully, I don’t have to be suspicious of praise like some rulers do. Anyone who pays me a compliment is just stating a basic fact. To say I’m brilliant or beautiful is like saying the sun is bright or the grass is green. And facts have never influenced my decision making in the slightest.
Unfortunately, so many leaders must be cautious of compliments because they are not blessed with my attractiveness. It takes all the fun out of being a monarch, if you ask me. If a king or queen cannot enjoy someone basking in their glory from time to time, then what is the point of wearing a crown?
Thanks to my fortunate looks, I believe I’ve unintentionally come up with a solution for this matter. No matter how unattractive you are, create a law that forces your people to compliment you! Make everyone in your presence praise you at least three times an hour. Even compliment yourself—don’t get out of bed until you’ve told yourself how wonderful you are! Drown yourself in praise so the harm-doers are muted. If everyone is praising you, the people plotting against you will have to find another way into your head. And if everyone is getting to you, no one can.
Sometimes the best way to prevent a burn is by lighting yourself on fire! (In one of his edits, Charlie has informed me I need to be very clear that this is a joke. Please do not treat burns with fire.)