100 AD (AFTER DRAGONS)
Dear Diary,
It’s been one hundred years since the dragons went extinct, and I’m starting to miss those scaly suckers. Don’t get me wrong: Things were terrible while they were in existence. Everything was burnt to a crisp! The air was always filled with smoke! Peasants were constantly running for their lives—even when they didn’t need to be! The dragons made them so paranoid, they ran in circles around their villages all day, just in case one attacked it. No one knew how to relax with those overgrown reptiles flying around.
It was a lot of work getting rid of them, but thankfully the fairies and I managed. Since then, we’ve tried restoring some sense into the kingdoms. But I can’t help wondering if getting rid of the dragons was a good idea. Things have become so dull I’m starting to go stir-crazy!
Obviously I don’t miss getting burned by their breath or whipped by their tails or the constant pandemonium they caused, but at least we had some fun slaying them! Sure, it was a dangerous and scary time, but it was stimulating. Not to mention all the money I made from wrestling the smaller ones in sold-out arenas.
Nowadays, we’re so hit up for entertainment we obsess over every ditz who needs a rescue or a makeover. First it was Cinderella, then Sleeping Beauty was all anyone could talk about, next Snow White came onto the scene, and now it’s some girl named Rapunzel’s turn in the spotlight. I can barely keep track of them! You’d think the Charming brothers were in a competition to find and marry the neediest woman.
By the way, who is naming these people? Snow White is not a name, that’s a description! Cinderella is just cruel and Rapunzel sounds like something that happens to fruit when it’s left in the sun. Do famous people name their kids ridiculous things just to tick off the rest of us?
It’s not just the damsels in distress that are all the rage. Have you noticed every village idiot with a quirk becomes national news? Jack and Jill fell down a hill—so what? Little Bo Peep lost her sheep—how is that my problem? Hickory, dickory, dock, the mouse ran up the clock—call pest control, not me!
We’re inherently teaching our children that the bigger a numbskull you are, the more attention you’ll get. In my day, it was the knights in shining armor and the valiant leaders who got the respect. You actually had to do something significant to earn notoriety. Just because times are simpler now doesn’t mean we should celebrate every moron under the sun!
The Fairy Godmother tells us we’ve entered a “Golden Age.” I say we’ve entered a “snooze fest.” Everything is so peaceful and happy it’s driving me nuts. Too much smiling can’t be good for the soul. And if I hear one more schmuck say the phrase happily ever after I’m going to beat them with the heel of my buckled shoe. Who came up with that? And why do we have to say it at the end of everything?