Chapter 7
Avoiding Hatred and Villainy
Nothing in politics is black and white, but we do live in a world obsessed with labeling people as heroes or villains. Any leader who falls into a “gray area” is rarely remembered. In fact, I can’t think of a single leader in history who was just decent. My tutors must have skipped the lessons about Anne the Ample, Stephen the Simple, and Mary the Mediocre.
Unfortunately, great or terrible are the only options if you want to make a splash. It’s a slippery slope to Herotown, and all the shortcuts usually lead to Villainville, so never rush your reputation. Remember, every reign has bumps in the road, so don’t panic if you go through a “disliked” phase. This phase will turn into a legacy only if you grow impatient. Citizens always see through their leaders’ pathetic attempts to regain respect. (Except for my citizens—it usually goes right over their heads. Lucky me!)
In my opinion, being classified as a villain is just the result of a mishandled scandal. (Fortunately, I’ve already taught you how to manage that in the previous chapter.) Despite popular belief within my kingdom, we can actually learn from other people’s mistakes! So rather than distancing yourself from someone’s downfall, I recommend putting yourself in their shoes (even the ugly pairs).
By evaluating how some of the poorest saps in history conducted a situation, we can learn how to productively assess our own rough patches in the future. Besides, it’s just fun to judge people!
The Evil Queen
Snow White’s stepmother is remembered for lounging around her luxurious palace and staring into mirrors all day. I do the exact same thing, so why am I so beloved, while the Evil Queen is not? It’s because I let my people know why I do it (please see chapter 2).
The Evil Queen didn’t care what her people thought, so they drew their own conclusions and she never recovered. Ultimately, I think the Evil Queen’s lack of communication and inability to think things through led to her downfall.
Here’s what I think she should have done differently:
1. The Evil Queen should have been honest from the beginning about her past. By the time the truth came out (her boyfriend was imprisoned in a mirror blah blah blah… she was only vain so he didn’t forget her blah blah blah… she had a heart of stone cue the violin… ), it was too late! People’s opinion of her was already sealed! Had people known the truth, she would have her own holiday right now, not be trapped at the bottom of a dump. (It’s a long story, so if you have questions, ask a friend.)
2. I’m not promoting violence, but the Evil Queen could have come up with easier ways to kill Snow White. For instance, they lived in a HUGE palace with lots of stairs and windows. Had Snow White just “accidently tripped down steps” or “fallen out a window,” no one would have suspected foul play! Also, Snow White was so pale she was practically see-through. Had the Evil Queen just locked her outside during a blizzard, no one would have found her until spring!
3. When the Evil Queen was accused of killing Snow White, she had the opportunity to come up with a great defense. For example, “Wait a second. You’re telling me my stepdaughter ran away from home, shacked up with seven strange men for a few months, and now she’s accusing me of trying to kill her with a poisoned apple? And you think I’m the imbalanced one?”
We can learn three things from the Evil Queen: Always be honest so you aren’t misunderstood, do your dirty work behind closed doors, and if you’re not smart enough to devise a good alibi, don’t commit a crime!
The Wicked Stepmother
In retrospect, Cinderella’s stepmother makes Snow White’s stepmother look like mother of the year. I’ve never understood why people dislike her so much. I mean, many stepparents don’t get along with their stepchildren. Had I been Cinderella’s stepmother, I would have stated one of the following in my defense when the kingdom turned on me.
1. “Yes, I gave Cinderella chores to do around the house. Just like every parent ever.” (For the record, if your child is obviously common, like Cinderella, I support the assignment of chores. I only have a problem with it when the child shows a higher level of potential, such as I did.)
2. “I didn’t want Cinderella to go to the ball, because Cinderella talks to mice. Would you let that kind of crazy out of the house?”
3. “I can’t be much worse than her real mother. Cinderella’s mother named her after dirt.”
4. “Of course I tried tricking the prince into marrying my daughters. Have you met my daughters? They’re awful. Would you want to be stuck with them for the rest of your life?”
5. “Obviously I never wanted Cinderella to be queen. Cinderella wore glass shoes to a dance party. Do you consider that leadership material?”
Clearly, the Wicked Stepmother had many logical points with which to defend herself. Instead, she stayed quiet and sequestered herself from the kingdom, only making herself look guiltier. This teaches us that the right to remain silent isn’t always the right move.
The Sea Witch
Proof we can learn something from all of God’s creatures—even a foul-smelling sea-lice-covered crustacean can teach us something. The Sea Witch has a unique status; she’s considered a villain even though she’s never really committed a crime. She never forced anyone to make a trade with her; the Little Mermaid willingly sought her out to make a trade. It’s the morbid way the Sea Witch goes about her business that gives her such a villainous reputation.
Example 1: In exchange for legs, the Sea Witch cut the Little Mermaid’s tongue out of her mouth. What is wrong with this woman? What does she possibly need a tongue for? Would a nice shell not have been sufficient?
Example 2: When the Little Mermaid decided to be a mermaid again, the Sea Witch traded a magic dagger in exchange for her sisters’ hair! (Makes me glad to be an only child!) She then instructed the Little Mermaid to stab the man she loved in the heart to reverse the spell. Um… gross! Was this REALLY necessary?
I’ve had the misfortune of meeting the Sea Witch—what she really should be trading for is some scented candles! Which brings me to:
Example 3: Her home is decorated in dead body parts! She uses a whale’s rib cage as a staircase! Would it kill her to have nice floral wallpaper or a few accent pillows? People will judge you on how you choose to present yourself. If you have macabre tastes, save them for behind closed doors.
Overall, the Sea Witch is disgusting and complicated for sport. She enjoys being grotesque and difficult, which is very unnecessary. If you’re blessed to have the upper hand in a situation, don’t choose to slap people with it. They might slap you back on your way down.
The Snow Queen
The Snow Queen is the ultimate ice queen. I don’t care how cold your lifestyle is—no one has an excuse to be as bitter as she is.
The Snow Queen was once the most feared weather witch throughout the kingdoms. She used to rule the north until Snow White’s father reclaimed it and founded the Northern Kingdom. Since then, she spends her days pouting in isolation and sends violent blizzards through the Northern Mountains whenever she wakes up on the wrong side of the bed. She was also so upset about losing power that her eyes froze with tears and then melted away!
How pathetic is that? The lesson here is to handle your defeats with dignity. No one is going to respect or admire a gloomy and jaded old queen.
The Giant
Tantrums make everyone look small, especially giants. I understand why the Giant was angry. Jack snuck into his home, stole some money, and rescued the enchanted (and terribly annoying) harp. The Giant felt belittled.
However, if the Giant had just taken a deep breath and counted to ten, rather than chased a boy one-sixteenth his size down a beanstalk in a rage, he would still be alive today! Like my granny always says: “Don’t get mad—get even!” When retaliating, make sure you’re practicing intelligent revenge so you don’t overreact and cause yourself more harm.
The Giant’s downfall (literally a downfall!) teaches us to have some self-respect and not to sweat over the small stuff. Which I suppose is everything when you’re a giant.… (Fun fact: We also learned giant carcasses make excellent fertilizer!)
Ezmia the Enchantress
Now, here’s a villain for the ages! This fairy gone rogue redefined the word selfish! All the royal families including myself were dragged for miles by vines because of her! I refuse to defend her, so I’ll dive right into my evaluation.
Ezmia’s biggest problem was that she had absolutely everything she needed: power, beauty, intelligence, and an adorable sidekick—yet she still wanted more! She was a colossal brat and as shallow as an ant’s teakettle! Her soul was like a bottomless pit that could never be filled. Being spoiled and greedy is a dangerous combination! Not all of us can manage it as well as I do.
Her ego was out of control! It blinded her judgment, making her vulnerable in ways she didn’t think were possible. In the end, a couple snarky comments from a teenage girl were what defeated her. I saw it happen! Sticks and stones didn’t break her bones; it was words that hurt her!
Almost the opposite of the Snow Queen, the Enchantress is a good example of someone who let their success get to their head! It made her careless and opened her up to weakness. Believing you are too big to fail will only result in failure!
Well, this has been a delightful chapter to write! Dissecting the flaws of famous people is one of my favorite hobbies. If only this book had been published earlier, history’s most hated figures might have been remembered differently.