Chapter 36
If Elizabeth, when Mr. Darcy gave her the letter, did not expect it
to contain a renewal of his offers, she had formed no expectation
at all of its contents. But such as they were, it may well be
supposed how eagerly she went through them, and what a contrariety
of emotion they excited. Her feelings as she read were scarcely to
be defined. With amazement did she first understand that he
believed any apology to be in his power; and steadfastly was she
persuaded, that he could have no explanation to give, which a just
sense of shame would not conceal. With a strong prejudice against
everything he might say, she began his account of what had happened
at Netherfield. She read with an eagerness which hardly left her
power of comprehension, and from impatience of knowing what the
next sentence might bring, was incapable of attending to the sense
of the one before her eyes. His belief of her sister's
insensibility she instantly resolved to be false; and his account
of the real, the worst objections to the match, made her too angry
to have any wish of doing him justice. He expressed no regret for
what he had done which satisfied her; his style was not penitent,
but haughty. It was all pride and insolence. But when this subject
was succeeded by his account of Mr. Wickham— when she read with
somewhat clearer attention a relation of events which, if true,
must overthrow every cherished opinion of his worth, and which bore
so alarming an affinity to his own history of himself— her feelings
were yet more acutely painful and more difficult of definition.
Astonishment, apprehension, and even horror, oppressed her. She
wished to discredit it entirely, repeatedly exclaiming, "This must
be false! This cannot be! This must be the grossest falsehood!"—
and when she had gone through the whole letter, though scarcely
knowing anything of the last page or two, put it hastily away,
protesting that she would not regard it, that she would never look
in it again. In this perturbed state of mind, with thoughts that
could rest on nothing, she walked on; but it would not do; in half
a minute the letter was unfolded again, and collecting herself as
well as she could, she again began the mortifying perusal of all
that related to Wickham, and commanded herself so far as to examine
the meaning of every sentence. The account of his connection with
the Pemberley family was exactly what he had related himself; and
the kindness of the late Mr. Darcy, though she had not before known
its extent, agreed equally well with his own words. So far each
recital confirmed the other; but when she came to the will, the
difference was great. What Wickham had said of the living was fresh
in her memory, and as she recalled his very words, it was
impossible not to feel that there was gross duplicity on one side
or the other; and, for a few moments, she flattered herself that
her wishes did not err. But when she read and re-read with the
closest attention, the particulars immediately following of
Wickham's resigning all pretensions to the living, of his receiving
in lieu so considerable a sum as three thousand pounds, again was
she forced to hesitate. She put down the letter, weighed every
circumstance with what she meant to be impartiality— deliberated on
the probability of each statement— but with little success. On both
sides it was only assertion. Again she read on; but every line
proved more clearly that the affair, which she had believed it
impossible that any contrivance could so represent as to render Mr.
Darcy's conduct in it less than infamous, was capable of a turn
which must make him entirely blameless throughout the whole. The
extravagance and general profligacy which he scrupled not to lay at
Mr. Wickham's charge, exceedingly shocked her; the more so, as she
could bring no proof of its injustice. She had never heard of him
before his entrance into the ——shire Militia, in which he had
engaged at the persuasion of the young man who, on meeting him
accidentally in town, had there renewed a slight acquaintance. Of
his former way of life nothing had been known in Hertfordshire but
what he told himself. As to his real character, had information
been in her power, she had never felt a wish of inquiring. His
countenance, voice, and manner had established him at once in the
possession of every virtue. She tried to recollect some instance of
goodness, some distinguished trait of integrity or benevolence,
that might rescue him from the attacks of Mr. Darcy; or at least,
by the predominance of virtue, atone for those casual errors under
which she would endeavour to class what Mr. Darcy had described as
the idleness and vice of many years' continuance. But no such
recollection befriended her. She could see him instantly before
her, in every charm of air and address; but she could remember no
more substantial good than the general approbation of the
neighbourhood, and the regard which his social powers had gained
him in the mess. After pausing on this point a considerable while,
she once more continued to read. But, alas! the story which
followed, of his designs on Miss Darcy, received some confirmation
from what had passed between Colonel Fitzwilliam and herself only
the morning before; and at last she was referred for the truth of
every particular to Colonel Fitzwilliam himself— from whom she had
previously received the information of his near concern in all his
cousin's affairs, and whose character she had no reason to
question. At one time she had almost resolved on applying to him,
but the idea was checked by the awkwardness of the application, and
at length wholly banished by the conviction that Mr. Darcy would
never have hazarded such a proposal, if he had not been well
assured of his cousin's corroboration.
She perfectly remembered everything
that had passed in conversation between Wickham and herself, in
their first evening at Mr. Phillips's. Many of his expressions were
still fresh in her memory. She was now
struck with the impropriety of such communications to a stranger,
and wondered it had es caped her before. She saw the indelicacy of
putting himself forward as he had done, and the inconsistency of
his professions with his conduct. She remembered that he had
boasted of having no fear of seeing Mr. Darcy— that Mr. Darcy might
leave the country, but that HE should stand his ground; yet he had
avoided the Netherfield ball the very next week. She remembered
also that, till the Netherfield family had quitted the country, he
had told his story to no one but herself; but that after their
removal it had been everywhere discussed; that he had then no
reserves, no scruples in sinking Mr. Darcy's character, though he
had assured her that respect for the father would always prevent
his exposing the son.
How differently did everything now appear in which he was
concerned! His attentions to Miss King were now the consequence of
views solely and hatefully mercenary; and the mediocrity of her
fortune proved no longer the moderation of his wishes, but his
eagerness to grasp at anything. His behaviour to herself could now
have had no tolerable motive; he had either been deceived with
regard to her fortune, or had been gratifying his vanity by
encouraging the preference which she believed she had most
incautiously shown. Every lingering struggle in his favour grew
fainter and fainter; and in farther justification of Mr. Darcy, she
could not but allow Mr. Bingley, when questioned by Jane, had long
ago asserted his blamelessness in the affair; that proud and
repulsive as were his manners, she had never, in the whole course
of their acquaintance— an acquaintance which had latterly brought
them much together, and given her a sort of intimacy with his ways—
seen anything that betrayed him to be unprincipled or
unjust—anything that spoke him of irreligious or immoral habits;
that among his own connections he was esteemed and valued— that
even Wickham had allowed him merit as a brother, and that she had
often heard him speak so affectionately of his sister as to prove
him capable of some amiable feeling; that had his actions been what
Mr. Wickham represented them, so gross a violation of everything
right could hardly have been concealed from the world; and that
friendship between a person capable of it, and such an amiable man
as Bingley, was incomprehensible. She grew absolutely ashamed of
herself. Of neither Darcy nor Wickham could she think without
feeling she had been blind, partial, prejudiced, absurd. "How
despicably I have acted!" she cried; "I, who have prided myself on
my discernment! I, who have valued myself on my abilities! who have
often disdained the generous candour of my sister, and gratified my
vanity in useless or blameable mistrust! How humiliating is this
discovery! yet, how just a humiliation! Had I been in love, I could
not have been more wretchedly blind! But vanity, not love, has been
my folly. Pleased with the preference of one, and offended by the
neglect of the other, on the very beginning of our acquaintance, I
have courted prepossession and ignorance, and driven reason away,
where either were concerned. Till this moment I never knew myself."
From herself to Jane— from Jane to
Bingley, her thoughts were in a line which soon brought to her
recollection that Mr. Darcy's explanation there had appeared very insufficient, and she read
it again. Widely different was the effect of a second perusal. How
could she deny that credit to his assertions in one instance, which
she had been obliged to give in the other? He declared himself to
be totally unsuspicious of her sister's attachment; and she could
not help remembering what Charlotte's opinion had always been.
Neither could she deny the justice of his description of Jane. She
felt that Jane's feelings, though fervent, were little displayed,
and that there was a constant complacency in her air and manner not
often united with great sensibility.
When she came to that part of the letter in which her family were
mentioned in terms of such mortifying, yet merited reproach, her
sense of shame was severe. The justice of the charge struck her too
forcibly for denial, and the circumstances to which he particularly
alluded as having passed at the Netherfield ball, and as confirming
all his first disapprobation, could not have made a stronger
impression on his mind than on hers. The compliment to herself and
her sister was not unfelt. It soothed, but it could not console her
for the contempt which had thus been self-attracted by the rest of
her family; and as she considered that Jane's disappointment had in
fact been the work of her nearest relations, and reflected how
materially the credit of both must be hurt by such impropriety of
conduct, she felt depressed beyond anything she had ever known
before. After wandering along the lane for two hours, giving way to
every variety of thought—re-considering events, determining
probabilities, and reconciling herself, as well as she could, to a
change so sudden and so important, fatigue, and a recollection of
her long absence, made her at length return home; and she entered
the house with the wish of appearing cheerful as usual, and the
resolution of repressing such reflections as must make her unfit
for conversation.
She was immediately told that the
two gentlemen from Rosings had each called during her absence; Mr.
Darcy, only for a few minutes, to take leave— but that Colonel
Fitzwilliam had been sitting with them at least an hour, hoping for
her return, and almost resolving to walk after her till she could
be found. Elizabeth could but just affect
concern in missing him; she really rejoiced at it. Colonel
Fitzwilliam was no longer an object; she could think only of her
letter.