Restaurant ’Tude—
BILIS IN POPINA

My name is Sir—I’ll be your customer tonight

Nomen mihi est Dominus—hodie vobiscum cenabo

My sign is, I sign the check

Natus sum signo signantis syngrapham

The only thing I wish to know about you is where the hell you are when I want something

De te scire volo solum ubi gentium sis cum alicuius indigeam

If those entrées are so special, why aren’t they on the menu?

Si quidem illa fercula tantum praestant, cur in epularum indice non sunt?

Exactly how fresh is that pepper?

Quam recenter lectum est hoc piper?

Why do you put it in a mill the size of a war-trumpet?

Quamobrem id ponis in molina tanta quanta tuba est?

This is indeed a very impressive wine list, if you’re in the mood for a bottle of grape-flavored rust remover that costs as much as a new sofa

Haec tabula vinorum grandia pollicetur cuicumque sit in animo bibere ex ampulla liquoris qui sapit uvas et solvit ferruginem et stat tanti quanti lectus novus

My compliments to the chef—the empire lost a truly inspired poisoner when he decided to go to cooking school

Summam coquo laudem tribuo—imperium venefico ingeniosissimo privatum est cum ille scholam coquinariam obire statuit

No dessert, thanks, unless it contains the antidote

Benigne, secundam mensam non requiro, nisi antidotum continet

I’d have written in a smaller tip but there is no Roman numeral for a nickel

In syngrapha munusculum minus inscripsissem, sed non est littera Romana quae Ioachimici vicesimam significat

I’ll be sure to recommend this place to my friends

Zago, zagas, zagat