Thirty

No, his arm goes in that bit,” Natalie said, as Jack attempted to get one of Freddie’s legs into an arm of the romper suit.

“But how do you know?” he said, furrowing his brow. “How can you tell arms apart from legs?”

“Do you mean on the romper suit,” Natalie asked him mischievously, “or the baby?”

Jack smiled sideways at her. “Ha, ha,” he said.

It had been a pleasant and surprisingly relaxing morning. First they had bathed Freddie. It had been almost unbearably touching to see Jack holding her little boy so tenderly in the tepid water, his hands actually trembling as he supported Freddie’s head and neck, clearly worried he might hurt him somehow. And it hadn’t helped that Freddie had yowled his head off throughout the whole experience, only calming down once he was out of the bath, dried, wrapped in a blanket, and drinking from his bottle.

Natalie had nearly embarrassed herself because she had automatically reached up the front of her top and unhooked her nursing bra, but then she remembered that Jack was watching her, and, hot with discomfort, she had hastily hooked herself back up and led him downstairs to the kitchen to show him how to warm a bottle of milk. She held Freddie for a few minutes until he had settled and then passed him, bottle and all, to Jack. The baby’s eyes half closed in pleasure and contentment, one creased hand grabbing onto his ear as he sucked.

“He likes milk, doesn’t he?” Jack whispered, smiling as he held his son. “Look at him, so happy. What’s that in there then?” He nodded at the bottle. “Is that cow’s milk or that formula stuff? Could I buy it from any shop?”

“Um,” Natalie grimaced, sorely tempted to lie. “It’s, um, you know, baby milk, it’s my milk from my…er, from me.”

“Really?” Jack exclaimed, looking at her breasts with naked curiosity. “How do you get it out of them and in the bottle, is it like milking a…” He stopped himself sometime after the nick of time had packed its bags and left town.

The pair of them looked at each other for a stunned moment.

“Forget I just asked you that,” Jack said. “I actually can’t believe I did. I wasn’t trying to be a senseless, tactless, juvenile…honestly I am just…well, interested and very stupid. Can you actually believe that you went to bed with me? If you’d had more than two or three conversations with me, it would never have happened!”

Natalie smiled, glad that he could acknowledge so easily what had taken place between them, but also reading it as a sign that he had moved on, if he was ready to joke about it. She was not ready—she was not nearly at the joking stage.

“I have a special pump,” she explained. “I use it when I know I’m going to miss a feed. When you have him I’ll put the bottles all ready in his bag, all you’ll have to do is warm them like I showed you.”

“Right,” Jack said and then, “Natalie?”

“Yes?” Natalie waited.

“This is brilliant being here with…”

It was then, no doubt utterly relaxed and at peace, that Freddie peed on Jack’s lap.

She had vigorously attempted to sponge Jack’s trousers herself while he held on to the baby, but backing away from her he offered to swap Freddie for the cloth, half turning from her as he cleaned up as best as he could.

“Sorry,” Natalie said, for the fourth or fifth time. “It’s my fault, I forgot the nappy after his bath.”

“It’s fine. I never thought I’d hear myself say these words, but I actually don’t mind that he peed on me.”

She had shown him how to change a nappy next, which he had mastered with an ease that made him puff out his chest with pride. It was the romper suit that had stumped him.

“The thing is,” Natalie said, chuckling because Freddie was, “he isn’t made of rubber, you can’t bend him in any direction you like, even if he does appear to enjoy it.”

Jack knelt back and looked down at the baby wriggling on the rug with one arm and one leg in the garment.

“Maybe he’s grown out of this one,” he said.

“Since yesterday?”

“It’s possible, I hear babies grow very fast,” Jack said, grinning at her.

She picked up Freddie and within a few seconds had him expertly buttoned into the red suit.

“He looks like a tomato. What do we do now?”

Natalie looked at the rug. She had shown him all the things she had planned. They had set a time for the visit to begin but not for when it should end. Still, if Jack wasn’t ready to go, that suited her, she liked having him with her, in fact she loved it. It made her foolish heart sing.

“We could take him to the park for a walk?” she offered.

His answering smile nearly knocked her off her feet.

“Espadrilles,” Natalie said out loud before she knew it.

“Pardon?” Jack looked perplexed.

“I just wondered if you’d ever thought about wearing espadrilles,” she said slowly.

“Can’t say I ever have,” Jack said, frowning and smiling all at once.

“Didn’t think so,” Natalie mumbled hopelessly as she followed him out of the front door.

The daffodils were out, their bright shining heads bobbing in the breeze as Jack pushed the buggy and Natalie walked at his side. To anyone else, she thought, they must look like a couple, proud of their firstborn. As they walked on in silence she found herself smiling at every passerby, a complicit smile that said, “Yes you’re right, we’re a happy family. A happy, loving family.”

It was a fantasy that was hard not to indulge in.

“So, have you got a boyfriend?” Jack asked her suddenly.

“Me, who, me?” Natalie panicked. She hadn’t expected him to ask her a question like that.

“I just wondered if you were seeing anyone,” Jack said. “I’m sorry, it’s none of my business.” But still he did not retract the question.

“I have no boyfriend,” Natalie said simply. “No time to, even if I wanted one.”

She worried that she had emphasized her single status a little too much—she didn’t want to sound desperate.

“Right,” Jack said, looking in the other direction so she could only see the back of his head. “Well, it’s none of my business.”

They had almost completed a circuit of the park when Jack suggested they find a café and have lunch. Of course they stopped at the very one where Natalie had told Meg and Jess all about her fake husband’s parenting skills, and she had imagined what it would have been like to have Jack at the birth. She never would have believed that only a few weeks later she’d be sitting with him in the same café. It was miraculous, really. She couldn’t hope for better than this, it would be greedy to wish for more. Still, she did.

Jack sat with Freddie on his lap, letting his coffee go cold safely on the other side of the table as he admired the son that he found so endlessly fascinating. It was warm inside and a faint waft of baby wee emanated from Jack’s trousers. He didn’t seem to mind it, though.

“So, what do you think?” he asked Natalie.

“What do I think about what?” she asked him in return.

“Do you think things will work out between us?” There was a second when Natalie’s heart almost stopped and her misunderstanding of the question must have showed in her expression because Jack added hastily, “Parenting Freddie, I mean.”

“Oh.” Natalie tried to hide how much of an idiot she felt. “Oh, well, yes, then. Yes, it’ll work out.” She made herself smile at him. “It will work out fine.”

“Good. Good. It would be good to see Freddie regularly. And you,” Jack said, mumbling almost into his scarf.

Sandy was sitting in the living room watching TV when the three of them got back from the park.

Natalie knew this was a moment that could not be avoided.

“Mom, this is Jack, Jack—Mom,” she said, as Jack appeared in the living room holding Freddie in his arms.

“Oh, right,” Jack said, his face blanching white. “Oh, um, hello there, Mrs…. Miss…Natalie’s mom.”

Sandy pursed her lips and folded her arms under her breasts, and for a second Natalie had the terrible feeling that her recently reformed mother was going to lecture Jack on the correct use of contraception.

Instead she said, “You look like you need a good feed. You should stay for my paella.”

“Um, thanks. But I…” He looked at Natalie. “Well, I could if you like?”

“Don’t mind,” Natalie said, all too aware that she sounded about fifteen.

“Well then, that’s settled,” Sandy said, standing up and rolling her eyes at Natalie. “I just need to pop out to get a few bits. Give you two a bit more time together…with Freddie.”

It was late when Jack finally left, almost midnight.

He had come upstairs with Natalie and rocked Freddie to sleep after his eleven o’clock feed.

“I like your mom,” he said quietly. “She’s really nice.”

“Yeah,” Natalie said, thinking how stunned she had been that the three of them had passed the evening together so pleasantly. Not so long ago it would have seemed like an impossibility. “She is nice, isn’t she?”

She sat on the bed in silence and watched in the half-light as Jack swayed back and forth on his long legs with Freddie in his arms, trying to lull him off to sleep. He was humming something under his breath and it took Natalie a while to work out that it was a low version of “Bohemian Rhapsody.”

“He’s asleep,” Jack said suddenly, standing completely still. “What do I do now?”

“Just lower him into his cot,” Natalie whispered. “Slowly and carefully, try to maintain body contact with him for as long as possible.”

Jack followed her instructions to the letter and laid Freddie down in his cot.

Instantly Freddie started crying.

“Don’t worry. It usually takes me four or five goes.”

It was actually the third attempt that was successful. Natalie held her breath as she and Jack stood side by side by the cot and watched Freddie sleep. She had known fewer moments in her life that had been so happy and so perfect and so excruciatingly painful all at once.

“I suppose,” Jack whispered slowly after some time, “I had better go now he’s asleep.”

He looked at Natalie in the half-light for a moment, as if he were waiting for her to say or do something. But she could not even dare to guess what he might be waiting for. So she waited, frozen to the spot, until he dropped his gaze and walked out of the bedroom.

At the front door Jack hesitated, looking up and down the road as if he wasn’t sure which way he should go.

“Thanks for today,” he said.

“Thank you,” Natalie said.

“Natalie, look, I”—Jack bit his lip and rocked on his heels—“you’ve made this really easy for me, you didn’t have to.”

“I know,” Natalie said. “But I wanted to, because you wanted to and because I think you’ll be a great daddy for Freddie.”

Jack nodded. “That means a lot,” he said.

“To me, too,” Natalie replied.

“I’d better go then,” Jack said. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against her cheek.

“Same time next week then?” he asked her.

“Same time next week,” Natalie said. And she watched him walk down the street toward the green until he disappeared into the night. The place where his lips had touched her skin vibrated with heat.