Twenty-six

Meg woke at just after seven that evening. She knew that her body needed hours and hours more sleep, but as soon as she opened her eyes her mind began to go over and over everything that had happened to her in the last few days, trying and largely failing to find a solution to it all. She remembered that she had asked Frances to tell Robert to bring the children back after tea, and a wave of anticipation and dread ran through her almost simultaneously.

Well, she still had some time to get herself together before he came, Meg thought. She didn’t want him to see what a mess she was. She could have a shower and get changed, at least.

As she dried herself, Meg looked around her bedroom. Her and Robert’s bedroom. Nothing had really changed in here and yet everything had. There was still his jacket on the back of the chair. His forgotten watch, his last birthday present from her, was still on the dressing table. And there was still the impression left by his head in the pillow on his side of the bed that had remained unmade for several days now.

Meg wound her bath towel around her and picking up the pillow shook the lingering memory of Robert’s shape out of it entirely, before replacing it. She sat down at the dressing table and began to brush the tangles out of her hair. It was still mainly auburn, but with a sprinkling of gray that was gradually becoming more and more dominant. Robert was always on her to have it tinted, but she liked the silver interspersed among the red curls, and she felt that like the fine lines around her eyes they were part of the story of her life, a story that had always been happy until now. Perhaps it was because she didn’t dye her hair that Robert had looked elsewhere.

Suddenly there was a movement behind her, and clutching her hand to her chest Meg whirled round.

Robert was standing in the doorway. He looked at her in her towel and then looked away again, as if he couldn’t bear the sight of her. Meg forced herself to sit up straight.

“I’m sorry,” Robert said. “Frances said that she’d bring the kids in an hour, that as they were all settled I should come and see you alone. She said we needed to talk and I thought she was right.”

Meg hugged her arms tightly around her.

“You’re early,” she said, at a loss, confused by the feeling that her own husband in their bedroom of eight years seemed like an interloper. “Can you wait downstairs, please?”

To be so cool and so disconnected from Robert was the most difficult thing that Meg had ever had to do. As much as she hated him for what he had done to their family, as much as she loathed him, he was still the one she most wanted to see. He was the one she instinctively wanted to run to and fling her arms around and ask for comfort. When she saw him, all she wanted to do was to climb into bed with him, curl up in his arms, and go to sleep.

Robert hesitated by the door.

“Megan,” he said plaintively, taking a step or two forward. “You look beautiful.”

“Robert, please,” Meg said, every nerve in her body fraught with conflict.

“But I just want to try…” And before she knew it he was in the room kneeling in front of her, his hands on her bare shoulders, his lips on her neck.

“No!” she cried, snatching herself away from him. She stood and took a couple of steps back toward the window. “You just can’t,” she said, unable to articulate exactly what she wanted to say. “It’s just not that easy, Robert.

“Go downstairs,” she pleaded when he didn’t move. “Please, Robert.”

Robert stood up, at a loss, unable to fathom what had happened. He looked awful, unshaven, with dark puffy eyes like he hadn’t slept properly for days, and had perhaps even been crying. She was horrified to discover that the thought of him lying awake at night weeping pleased her.

“Look, just go downstairs and wait for me there,” she commanded.

He left the bedroom and hurried down the stairs, and Meg braced herself to hear the front door slam shut, certain he would walk out on this humiliating situation. But it remained silent.

When she came down, she found Robert sitting in his chair in the living room with the TV on and Gripper sitting at his side gazing up at him, as he stroked her, with the kind of unquestioning adulation that Meg imagined he craved, especially now.

As soon as she appeared, Robert switched the TV off and stood up.

“I’m sorry,” he said, nodding at the set.

“Why? It’s your house,” Meg said. “It’s your TV. You pay for it.”

“No.” Robert looked abashed. “I mean, I’m sorry about before, upstairs. About trying to…I just want things to get back to normal between us, Megan. To be how they were before all this happened.”

Meg nipped at her lip. “Before you had an affair for several months with another woman you claim not to care for, you mean?” she asked him archly.

“I thought we were going to talk, not throw accusations,” Robert countered defensively. “Frances said you weren’t dead set on ending the marriage. She said there was hope.”

Meg shrugged. “I want there to be hope, Robert,” she said, her voice calm and clear. “But then I remember that when you were unhappy with me, instead of coming to talk to me about it, instead of trying to work on our problems and make everything right, you thought that having sex with some tart would solve everything. And when I remember that I feel a lot less like giving our marriage another chance.”

Meg looked at him standing there in a crumpled shirt and a pair of Craig’s trousers that were too short for him, and turning on her heel she walked smartly into the kitchen, Gripper close at her heels. She didn’t know how long it would last, this controlled feeling of calm and composure that was keeping her steady, but she knew she had to use it while it was there, before she crumbled again.

Robert followed her into the kitchen.

“I was confused, Megan,” he said, hovering by the sink as Meg took a wineglass out of the dishwasher. “That thing with Lynne…I didn’t mean it to happen. We had this drink after work one night and I knew she fancied me.” He shook his head and shrugged. “And…it felt good to feel that way. To feel wanted. You hadn’t shown an interest in me like that for months…”

“What, since you got me pregnant with Iris, you mean?” Meg asked him sharply.

He paused, moistening his drying lips and taking a breath.

“Even then it wasn’t exciting between us—you know it wasn’t. It was just…routine. You were always so tired all the time with the kids…”

“Please don’t tell me you had an affair because I was too tired to have kinky sex,” Meg warned him. “And I didn’t think it was routine. I thought it was caring, gentle, loving. I didn’t realize I was so dull.”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” Robert said, with some frustration. “It’s much more complicated than that.” But he seemed unable to explain what the complications were just then.

“It was only meant to be a one time thing with Lynne,” he said instead. “But she was so into me. I liked it. I liked the way she made me feel. It was hard to give it up. I didn’t want to.”

Meg took an opened bottle of wine out of the fridge and poured herself a glass. She did not offer Robert one as she sat at the kitchen table. She had to remain cool, she told herself. She had to keep detached.

If she could listen to everything he was saying as if it wasn’t about her, her husband, and her marriage, then she would be all right, she could keep control. And she had to keep control, because if she fell to pieces here, she knew that Robert would step in to put her back together, and she knew that she would gladly let him do it. And then he would have everything he wanted without having to fight for it. Meg knew if she didn’t make him fight for his marriage and his family, if she didn’t make him see just how much he really wanted those things, then he might give them away again all too easily.

“Did you think about what you were risking giving up by being with…her?” Meg asked him stiffly. “Or didn’t you care? Did you just want an excuse to give us up?”

Robert sat down heavily at the other end of the table and patted his thigh, a gesture that would normally bring Gripper straight to his side. But although she shifted on her bottom, she did not leave her place beside Meg. Meg took an odd sort of strength from Gripper’s behavior. Even Robert’s adoring dog was on her side.

“I didn’t think,” Robert said, letting his hand fall against his leg. “It seemed that our lives were so separate. I honestly didn’t think you’d find out. And I always meant to end it, Megan. I never meant to leave you and the children.” He frowned and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I thought she knew that but…she thought differently.” He leaned back in the chair, his shoulders slumping like a man utterly defeated.

“That night, when I came home and I saw you sleeping on the bed—you looked so amazing, Megan. God, I wanted you so much and it was incredible, don’t you think?” Meg made her face remain impassive, even though her body remembered all too well. “It was just like it used to be,” Robert continued. “No, better than it ever was. And it wasn’t just the way you looked—it was you. It was being with you, close and intimate again, that made it so amazing.”

Meg shook her head. He was saying everything that he must know she wanted to hear, but she knew that Robert was good at that. He could make any individual feel special and important, that was his talent.

“Look.” Robert watched her intently. “I don’t know what happened or why it happened, but everything suddenly clicked back into place, and I’d decided that night that it was over between me and Lynne. I swear to you.”

Meg made herself remember the text she had read on his phone.

“You’d just come from seeing her, hadn’t you?” she asked, to remind them both of why they were sitting there.

Robert nodded. “Yes,” he admitted.

“You came from her bed to mine,” Meg stated sharply.

“No”—Robert hesitated, clearly weighing up the risks of what he was about to tell her next—“I didn’t sleep with her that day. She invited me over to her place for lunch. She made a big fuss when I said I didn’t think I’d be able to make it. I was weak, I didn’t want her to make any trouble either at home or at work—so I went. When I got there, she told me she had booked tickets for the five o’clock showing at the cinema. I could have left, if I’d tried harder I could have left and been on time for you. I knew you were waiting for me, I knew you would have cooked and dressed up. But I found excuses not to leave Lynne even after the film had ended. She thought it was because I wanted to be with her, but it wasn’t. It was because I couldn’t bear to come home to you and look you in the eye and lie.”

“Until you knew I’d be asleep,” Meg confirmed, wondering what inner unknown part of her was keeping her sitting in her chair erect and in control.

“Yes,” Robert admitted. “But then I came in and you looked”—he half smiled—“very sexy in all that getup, but more than that, you looked so vulnerable and beautiful. I looked at you lying on the bed and I knew I didn’t want to leave you. I knew I wanted to be with you more than ever. I made my mind up right then, before I woke you, to end it with her.”

“So if you were so sure it was over between you, then why were you with her the next day, kissing her in front of everyone?” Meg asked him bitterly, as a spark of anger flared within her. “You know, it wasn’t until later that I realized probably the whole of your office knew what was going on. I went in there with two of your children and they were all either laughing at me or worse, pitying me. Can you imagine how humiliating that feels? To be chatting to your receptionist while you were carrying on with her in the lobby. A very unusual way to end an affair.”

“Lynne made it difficult,” Robert said, unable to meet her eye. “When I said I thought it was time to call it a day, she got all hysterical. She threatened to come round here and confront you. I didn’t want that. I was trying to preserve our marriage, not destroy it! I was trying to let her down gently so that she wouldn’t rock the boat.”

“You’re a coward,” Meg said quietly.

“Pardon?” Robert, genuinely surprised by what he thought he’d heard.

“If what you said is true, then you are a coward, Robert. You would have carried on sleeping with her even though you say you love me so much, just because you were scared of getting caught out. Gutless.”

Meg had never spoken to Robert that way in all of the years they had been together, and he stared at her as if he was looking at a woman he no longer knew. Maybe he was, Meg thought; she felt like she barely knew herself anymore.

“I am truly sorry for what I’ve done to you, Megan,” he said. “But please ask yourself, is it worth throwing away everything we have because of it?”

“Have you asked yourself that question?” Meg said.

Slowly Robert shook his head.

“Well, I have,” she told him. “I’ve asked it about a million times since all this happened and the answer is—I don’t know yet, Robert.”

She took a large gulp of wine and Gripper pushed her cold muzzle under her hand in a gesture of what Meg thought of as solidarity.

“For us to continue to be married, I’ll have to forgive you. Completely forgive you—and I don’t know if I can do that,” Meg said dully.

Robert nodded. “I understand,” he said. “But I swear I’ll never let you down again—I love you, Megan.”

“You’d have to prove that to me,” Meg said. “You’d have to never get bored or fed up about proving it to me every day, until one day I feel I might be able to trust you again.”

“I won’t,” Robert assured her. “Not if you give us another chance.”

“You’d have to leave your job,” Meg went on. “In fact, you’d have to never go back to it.”

This time Robert hesitated.

“Okay,” he said. “But to leave so suddenly won’t look good. It might be difficult to get another job. It might mean less money.”

“Then we’ll sell this house,” Meg said. “We’ll get a smaller place, take the kids out of their schools. They can go to the local primary, I hear it’s very good.”

“If you’re sure,” Robert said. “Then we’ll do it.”

“It’s the only way this is going to happen,” Meg told him. “If it happens.”

Robert got up and walked around the table. Once again he knelt at Meg’s feet, but this time he simply picked up one of her hands. She forced herself to be unresponsive.

“I’ll do anything, Megan,” he said. “I’ll do anything to make things right between us, I promise. I don’t want to lose you, or my children…I love you all so much, Megan, I really do.” And Meg watched as he bent his head and wept.

It surprised her that she didn’t just fling her arms around him and reassure him then and there that everything would be all right, and she knew he would be stunned, too. It seemed that she was stronger than she thought.

“I have to think about it more,” she said.

Robert looked up at her, clearly disbelieving that Meg wasn’t as moved as he was.

“Really?”

Meg nodded. “How many months was it you were seeing her?” She asked him. “Six at least, wasn’t it?” Robert nodded regretfully. “Well, then, I think I deserve at least as long, if I want it, to decide what happens next.”

She turned her head away from him. “You can go now, Robert,” she said.

And it wasn’t until she heard him pull the front door shut behind him that she sank onto the floor and buried her face in Gripper’s fur and wept.