Chapter 29

“No way, absolutely No Way!” I heard the voices outside. Alex had gone out to meet dad and Maggie at the car to warn them of my arrival. Alex made me promise not to tell them he had fetched me home. I can’t believe I’m covering for him again, so HE doesn’t get in trouble. What could I say though? He had just rescued me in my time of need, eh?

The voices faded as I sank into a whirlpool of self pity. I stood in my room and looked in the mirror as a dark veil fell over me. In the depths of depression, I started to cry. Tears of indignation poured down my face. I never cry! What’s the hell’s the matter with me? I don’t even know who I am! Who is that person with the shitty tears and dripping mascara? I stared into my own eyes and looked deeply into the reflection of my soul. It scared me. I look like a ghost! All the scars and imperfections from the life I had lived accented my mental scars and pulled me down hard. I look like a deadbeat drug addict, raked out of the gutter and hung out to dry.
What have I become? A nobody? I have nothing to prove I’m a somebody. No trophies, no ribbons, no awards, nothing really to make me proud. I got nothing but bad memories and a chequered past.

I tried to smile through the tears at that old, familiar feeling of trying to compete with Alex. He was always brighter than me at school, sly at home too. Let’s face it, he must be the clever one, to get me to take the blame for him all the time. I’ll never be a somebody like Alex. I’ll never be good enough. It seems I spent all my time and energy digging a hole for myself that, maybe, I should just climb into and go to sleep.
I started to sob as sour thoughts took over my being. Sometimes it feels as if I’m suffocating, slowly numbing to the pain. I can see the beauty in this life when others can’t. I mean I love everything to do with nature, but I end up destroying it. In the end it just makes me want to scream because I know, I know life will slip away. I can stand in the rain, feeling every single drop hitting my skin. I feel it, deep inside my heart, mourning every lost accomplishment, every failed goal and every withered friendship. I feel it and it’s coming again, raining on me like a cloudburst.
What have I become? What have I always been? Why does no one want me? Is there any way out? So many questions, but never any answers.
Everyone has slipped from my grasp, those who were once my friends, or perhaps never were. I should have never made a single friend, because every person I met eventually deserted me. They may have promised not to hurt me, but they always did and I hurt them back. Always!

I was staring at myself crying like a child. I hate me! I put on weight, my hair needs a cut and my skin looks like hell warmed over. I turned away from the mirror in disgust. I used to take so much pride in how I looked. I glanced in the mirror again. If I don’t like what I see, how can anyone else like me? But, is that truly me? That witch? I honestly don’t know.

I looked at my reflection again, wondering why everyone wanted to leave home when they got older. What’s the point of going off in the world anyway? What am I trying to achieve? Happiness? It doesn’t last, nothing does. I’ve proven that, not even love. Love never lasts. And all those friends you make along the way. They’ll eventually ignore you, and then they will just fade away, they always do. Most of the time you don’t even see it coming. But in the end you know. I learnt a major lesson or two a long time before I reached 16. Everyone goes away in the end!

And I know why? Out of all things, I finally understand. It’s because they can’t stand being around me. I don’t blame them. Why would they? Look at me! I don’t even feel alive. It has to be because of that, there is no other reason. I am disgusting.
I heaved in despair and wiped my eyes with the back of my hands. I started to gather my things. I don’t know where I will go. I don’t know where I will go. I don’t know where I will go, like a broken record. “Maggie please let me stay!” I pleaded with her in my head. I don’t dislike Maggie, although I know she dislikes me. What am I thinking? I don’t stand a chance. Why on earth did I think about coming back here anyway?

“Abbie, you’d better get yourself down here,” dad shouted up the stairs.

I had a rush of adrenaline, panic ran right through me. All the time I wasn’t called I could hide in my room. It still looked the same, the same cream wallpaper, my posters on the wall of The Jam and Paul Weller. My record collection was still on the side and my row of Enid Blyton books sat on the chest-of-drawers unopened since last year. It was the same carpet, pale green with cream swirls. It was my room and I didn’t want to leave it. This IS my home! I stood up and looked around my room and picked up my bag just as dad shouted at me again.

“I’m coming, be there in a tick,” I called down. I walked out of my room and made my way downstairs, adrenaline rushing through my body. I could feel my hands tremble. Alex looked at me and shrugged his shoulders before grabbing his keys and walking out the door. I walked through the living room and followed him.

“Where are you going?” Maggie said sarcastically.

“What’s the point?” I replied. “I didn’t come here to argue.”

“Why did you come here then?” dad chirped in.

“Because I have nowhere else to go. This is my family.” I looked them both in the eyes, and they looked at each other. I could feel my eyes burning but I wasn’t going to cry again. Either they wanted me there or they didn’t, there was no point crying about it.

“Come and sit down, let’s talk,” dad said.

“Oh! Congratulations on getting married. Did you have a nice dress Maggie?”

“Thank you, and yes I did. I wore a lovely suit, but there’s plenty of time for you to see the photos. Right, on to the RULES!”

“Rules?” I questioned, taking a deep breath, sighing out loud.

“If you’re staying there has to be rules. We don’t want none of the crap you used to give us young lady, no violence, no stealing and no running away,” dad said.

I couldn’t believe my ears. I could stay? I was over the moon. I would have agreed to anything. I didn’t for the life of me think it would be that easy to move back home. I would have done it months ago had I known. It was weird though. I couldn’t figure why Maggie agreed to have me back. I could still feel the tension when I was around her. I think she hated me ever since I was 11. Our relationship was tenuous, but I was home. I’m home, I’m home, I’m home!

* * *

The days went quickly. Maggie notified the school that I would be back to sit my exams. She thought that if I took them, an F grade would be better than a U, so I went along. I was never comfortable though. I felt like she was always waiting for me to trip up. I walked on eggshells. I felt she wanted me to make a mistake so she could throw me out. I had been to the precipice and looked over the edge. I didn’t want to go there again, so I swore I would follow the straight and narrow.

I arrived at school according to the time table for exams. A lot of kids gave me funny looks like I had no right to be there. They had to be at school day in and day out to be able to take exams, and I had taken the year off, out raising hell.

The school hall was set up in rows of seats, a large clock on the wall in front ticked away the 45 minutes allowed for the paper. I did my best but science was never really my strong point.

I attended every exam. Maggie personally drove me to school to make sure I did. Some of the time I just sat and gazed out of the window, not thinking about anything really, just drifting off to some place foreign. I would wonder about Molly and the others and what they were up to. I hadn’t seen them in such a long time. I bet I could walk past them in the street and not recognise Daniel or Debbie. I hadn’t seen them for nearly six years. Molly had said they didn’t want to see us because they were jealous of our lives. Jealous? Huh! If only they knew. I didn’t think they would want my life for a second. One day I will see them again and tell them, but for now I have to sort myself out. I was going to do my best to turn things around.

I still struggled with drink and drugs even though they had no idea. I thought Maggie had guessed one day when I had taken a pill and drifted off while in the bath with the bath water running hot. I severely burnt my leg. I had to have melamine dressings changed for weeks after that but I still didn’t get found out. That is until Maggie came home from work to find me paralytic on the couch. I think she thought I had a bad stomach bug at first until she smelt my breath. It was a close call, but Maggie let it go. I think she was more amused at how ill I had made myself and figured that I had taught myself a lesson. I had, if I wanted any chance of a family I had to stop.

I didn’t drink again.