Chapter 28

I wasn’t going to keep my job for much longer. The head girl said, “You’re unreliable and can’t be trusted. The horses can’t look after themselves.”

She was very sarcastic every time she spoke to me. I wasn’t about to say, Sorry I’m late. I got totally stoned last night and wow, am I ever feeling it today! So I just told her, “Get stuffed! You’re picking on the wrong person.”

All hell broke loose! I don’t know what came over me. It was like my blood boiled over and I was no longer in control. I saw red!

“You’re just a dirty slag,” she said.

That was it. I am told that I flew at her punching and kicking. I grabbed her hair pulling her head down so her face kissed my knee. Blood went everywhere as her nose exploded. I really didn’t know what I was doing, but by the time I did, it was far too late. The damage was done. I had been blinded by my temper and scared too. What if no one had been there to stop me? I could have killed that gobby bitch!

Instead the owner screamed at me, “Get out of my yard! Get out I said!” as she pointed at the gate.

“What about my stuff?” I asked. “I’ll go when I’ve got my stuff.”

“Get out right now or I will call the police!”

A crowd of stable staff started to form along with people having their riding lessons. All stopped to see what was going on. I walked out to the gate and waited. I didn’t know what else to do or where to go. A few minutes later the owner marched over with a black bin bag in her hand.

“There’s your stuff. Now get out before I really do get the police involved.” She threw the bag at my feet, turned and walked away.

As I walked along the road I didn’t have a clue. Where am I going to go? Everyone I know has someone. Every child and every person needs someone, I thought, just one person to believe in. I don't even have that. Sure, I had plenty of people who used me for my popularity, for sex or for money, but I didn’t have any real friends.

I just walked and walked. I struggled with the heavy, black bag so I found a hedge and took some of my gear out and stashed it in the bushes. It was hidden well enough for me to come back for it at a later date.

I was racking my brains where to go? All I could think of was Lilly’s house, but I hadn’t seen her for ages. I thought we were growing apart. She lived a bit of a journey away and could never come out when I was free. As I had got busier with the horses and going out every weekend, she spent more time at home. Her parents kept her pretty close at hand during the exam period. I wandered around Canterbury for most of the evening before bumping into some people I knew.

I was easily persuaded to go back with them for a few drinks and a party. When I got there though, I found my way to the bathroom and sat on the floor with my back on the door. What the hell am I going to do now? I had nothing and no-one. I thought about everyone that I could possibly use to help get me out of this situation. I even thought about going back to London. I loved the hustle and bustle there, the way that everyone just blended in. I didn’t stand out there. I never had much money. I spent it almost as quick as it was given to me. I hadn’t been on a good wage with it being a training position, so I had nothing saved. I didn’t want to shag my way round London for money. I decided to take a chance and go home and see if dad and Maggie would have me back, so I rang Alex.

“Hi Alex, can you come and pick me up? I need a ride bro.”

“Where to sis?”

“I want to come home.”

“Home?” his voice all of a sudden went to a higher note.

“Yes Alex, Duh! Home!”

“Well, I don’t know if dad will have that. They aren’t here right now. Away until Thursday. Why don’t you find a mate to crash down with till they get back?”

“Why don’t you stop prattling around? I don’t have much time. Please Alex, come and pick me up.” The phone went silent for what seemed like ages. The silence killed me. Did he hang up?

“Uhhh. . .”

“Alex? Alex! Are you there?”

No reply.

“Alex! Will you answer me, please?”

“Okay, okay where are you then?” he mumbled.

I could tell he wasn’t overly impressed with the idea, but thankfully he gave in. He owed me big time. He’s coming to get me, I thought. I can relax, a little bit anyway. It took him just under an hour to show. I thought he would never arrive.

“You look in a right state,” was how I was greeted.

“Yeah, well you’re no oil painting yourself, Alex.”

“Long time no see Sis. Hop on.”

Swinging my leg over his scooter, I felt totally at ease. The icy wind bit my face as we sped along the dual carriageway to home. I was glad Maggie and dad weren’t going to be there. I wouldn’t want them to see me like this, a musty stable-hand out of work and down on my luck.

The sound of the scooter could quite easily have sent me to sleep. It purred just like a room full of hair dryers, as scooters always did. I daren’t tell Alex though. I think he might have deposited me by the side of the road if I had called his beloved scooter a hair dryer.

I clung on to the scooter with one hand and held onto the remains of my black bag with the other, propping it between my stomach and Alex’s back. I looked at the bag and asked myself, Is that all I’m worth? A few dresses, shoes and handbags? Is that all there is? I had stuffed a couple of dresses and jackets in the bushes, but the more I thought about it, the less likely I was of ever seeing them again. I had my makeup bag and a few toiletries and that was my total net worth.

I thought, I’m a total failure! I had caused everyone so much trouble and there was not much I wouldn’t have and hadn’t already done to get by. I wanted my own life and Albert got it for me. I had my own place and I blew that too. I had my dream job and I wasted that. I just hoped Maggie and dad might take me back or that would be it for me.

Suicidal? Understatement! I had no other choice. I had thought long and hard about ways to end my life before, and I had decided to go off a cliff. Yeah, that would be dramatic, like in the film Quadrophenia. I could relate to that movie. It all had gone wrong in my life too. I knew I wasn’t to blame for all of it, but most of my trouble was that I didn’t know when to shut up and walk away. The truth was, mostly, I didn’t know when to ask for help.

We pulled up outside dad’s council house. I couldn’t call it home anymore and it didn’t feel like my home. I hadn’t lived there in over a year. I looked up at my bedroom window and smiled while I remembered climbing out of it to go out with my mates. Although I was a cow, I had to admit, I had guts, or was it stupidity? Or maybe in hind-sight, it was self-destruction.

In a way they didn’t feel like my family anymore. Alex seemed a stranger to me now. Once upon a time we were so close. Maybe we were close when he needed me, but as soon as he didn’t and wasn’t getting beat up anymore, I was redundant. He might not have needed me now, but I needed him, and I despised him deep down for abandoning me. Wow, dad had married Maggie. Where do I fit into this family? Will I ever fit?