Chapter 27

The wounds were healing nicely on my legs and only left a small battle scar. I found out the accident was caused by an American Diplomat driving on the wrong side of the road. Apparently he sent a message to the hospital with flowers saying how sorry he was. I didn’t really remember it though, the pain killers were pretty strong.

I spent a lot of time in my room on my own whilst I got better. My knee was a bit stiff and the scabs began falling off my arms, but I wasn’t happy in my own company. I hated being alone. It gave me far too much time to think. Although I hated being told what to do, I’d rather that than being alone. I couldn’t win really, I hated it either way. I would seek out company. Sometimes I could remember what I had done and other times I couldn’t.

That was how I met Adam. He was hanging around with some friends and asked if I wanted to go out for a drink? Before I knew it we were seeing each other and planning to move in together, even though he really was not my type and it had only been a few weeks. After a chat with Evie, I decided that I wanted a career with horses so I sought out an equestrian centre near Adam’s place.

It was a big yard with lots of horses, a jumping yard but a riding school too, so lots of variety. They watched me ride two different horses, then said, “Okay, the job is yours.” They said that I was bit rusty and needed fine tuning, but my “natural talent” was good and could be developed.

I ran to Adam hugging him. I was so pleased with myself and couldn’t wait to tell someone.

“With some work I can get qualified to teach,” I squealed excited. I was chuffed to bits.

“Not bad,” Adam said with a nod of approval.

I moved in above the stables after a few days. It was freezing cold and smelt of horses but it was home to me, and I loved it. We had to be up at 6:00 am every day to see to the horses. We would put them out and feed them, then at 7:30 we got called into the house for breakfast, porridge or bacon sandwiches. The days were long and hard work, but I loved every single minute. Working with horses seemed to be the only way I could lose myself and the only place where I didn’t seem to hurt inside.

I was so busy I didn’t think about my past very often. I had started to forget a lot of things; other things were confusing to me if and when I gave them any thought. I would sometimes think about Molly and baby Kassie or the others, but for the most part I didn’t allow myself to think about the bad stuff. It got hidden away somewhere in my head. No one knew, only me, and who would believe me if I told them anyway? Best left where it is. For a long time I blamed myself for the stuff I remembered. I must’ve deserved it, I must have been a really bad kid.

Horses blocked most of it out, but still I would do things and say things and not really know why? I was such a nasty bitch at times. Why?

I threw myself into my job and worked really hard with the horses. There were never any complaints about me. I could climb on any horse and I was becoming a good teacher. I started seeing more and more of Adam. In fact I stayed at his place more often than not. He was becoming more and more possessive, even overbearing, and it became harder to say no to him, so in the end I would just give in. He wanted me to stay at his place and he would take me to work and pick me up.

I rang Alex one day. I wanted to tell them all how well I was doing, I wanted them to be proud of me. Neither dad nor Maggie were at home.

“They’re on their honeymoon,” Alex said. The words rang in my ears like I had just been belted around the head again. Honeymoon? Married?.... Married? I couldn’t believe it.

“How come? Why wasn’t I told?” I whined at Alex. “Why wasn’t I invited?”

“You were.”

“When?”

“They wrote to you and gave the letter to Albert.”

“Where’s the letter then? It hasn’t arrived!”

Then it clicked. Maybe they wanted to invite me, but I hadn’t told them where I was. I hadn’t spoken to them for months, but then, “It works two ways!” I shouted at Alex. I finally blew my stack and told him off, “Not one of you are bothered with me. I covered for you for years. I took beatings for you and you can’t even be arsed to find out if I am alive! Thanks a fuckin’ lot Alex, I love you too!” I slammed the phone down.

There were no tears, only anger. I felt left out as usual, but then why should they want me there? I was the black sheep, the one they handed away like a sack of rubbish. I didn’t know where to turn in order to ease the pain. Adam tried to talk to me and all I wanted to do was scream at someone and tell them I was really a nice person. I wanted to tell someone I have to protect myself because no one else will. But if I told them that, I would have to tell them all the truth and then it would come out. I swore to Molly I would never tell. Now I wished I hadn’t made that promise. But then she was still having to deal with mum, and I wasn’t. I had escaped the torture chamber and she hadn’t. I couldn’t risk making it worse for her.

I lay in my room that night listening to the horses munch on hay in the stables below. I didn’t want to see Adam tonight. I knew he would just try and make me feel better. He would think I would want a cuddle or, even worse, he might think sex would cheer me up. I couldn’t risk it so I told him I had an early start and wouldn’t be staying overnight. He got pretty angry. He hated me saying “No” to him, he was so possessive.

As I lay there, I wondered why it hurt me so, the fact dad had gotten re-married. I mean, I hadn’t seen them for a year and before that, when I did see them, all I did was cause trouble. I could feel myself sinking into that familiar place of feeling sorry for myself, so I snapped out of it. I wasn’t going to be the one to lie there and whimper any longer. I wasn’t going to allow myself to become angry either. Anger was my way of dealing with most things, but, of course, I had little or no control when I got angry. It meant someone else usually got hurt, normally the person closest to me and on this occasion, it was Adam.

“I don’t want to see you anymore,” I said.

“What do mean? What are you talking about?” Adam couldn’t speak quickly enough.

“Don’t push it Adam, I really can’t be doing heavy relationships right now.”

“Heavy?” he shouted. “For fuck sake Abbie I haven’t seen you in days!”

“Yes and you keep pestering me. I told you I just want to be left alone.”

Part of me felt sorry for Adam, but he wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t know exactly what I wanted, but I knew it wasn’t him. So as much as it hurt him, I had to be cruel and tell him to get stuffed and leave me alone. The funny thing is, I didn’t feel sad, I felt instant relief. It was like I didn’t realise how much I had been controlled until I wasn’t with him. A heavy burden fell off my shoulders.

It was difficult for awhile. I couldn’t see the usual crowd because Adam would be there hoping I would show. So at weekends I would go to London on the train and see who I could meet. I would get stoned or pilled up and then go home on Sunday. Home was the stables. I was on my own, although skating on thin ice as I was forever getting back late or feeling ill after a bender. Adam was no longer there to keep me on the straight and narrow.

It was all I could do to stay away from Adam. Everywhere I went he turned up. I felt like he was seriously stalking me, but of course, he always showed genuine surprise to cover up. At times he actually got scary. He would think of an excuse to see to me and then ask me to have him back, telling me how he would change, constantly begging. He would plead with me saying how he would be anything I wanted. He would change just for me.

What doesn’t he understand about the word, No? He could never be what I wanted. How could he, when I didn’t even know what I wanted? The last and final straw was when I got back to the stables on a Sunday night. Looking out of the window as I closed the curtains, there he was hiding near the tractor. He would have had to climb the gates and snuck around to get there without the dogs hearing him. I ran to the next room and woke one of the stable lads in a panic. He ran outside bearing a pitch fork and chased Adam off. I hoped it would be the last I saw of him.

Good fuckin riddance too, Weirdo!