Chapter 16

Dave headed toward the beach in Dover. After about twenty minutes along the coastline, we arrived in the middle of nowhere. It was fantastic to have the wind in my face, to feel free again.

The beach was mostly pebbles, not much sand at all. We hobbled our way over the loose stones towards the sea and sat ourselves on a mound of boulders. It wasn’t very comfortable or romantic really, but we sat for about 30 minutes and stared at the sea saying nothing. I studied the waves breaking on the rocks trying to make sense of what the heck occurred over the last couple of weeks. It all happened so fast, I couldn’t make sense of it. Dave had his arm around me and suddenly asked me why I had been so stupid? I didn’t know what to say. I just always seemed to have the self-destruct switch flipped to ON.

I felt safe and I knew I would be while Dave was around. He was so sensible. We lay back on uneven rocks and I rested my head on his chest. We thought up ways we could be together. Maggie and dad had told him they didn’t want him around me for a while. They felt I needed to sort myself out, and they didn’t want me back home until I had.

“Well that’s a never then,” I sighed. “I can’t be what they want me to be. I’m not what they want.” It was at that moment I realised and said to Dave, “I don’t think I will ever be going back home again.”

Time was ticking away. I knew I had to be back for curfew, and I didn’t want to spoil the first time in a while I had seen Dave. We arranged to meet the next day, exchanging contact phone numbers. I gave him the children’s home phone number, and he gave me his friend’s house phone number so we could stay in touch.

The next few days started feeling better. Dave was around a lot of the time, much to the annoyance of the home staff. They told me, “Dump him, he’s no good for you.” They thought he was putting pressure on me all the time. If anything, it was the other way round. I was getting pretty fed up. The staff had left me alone most of the time, but it soon changed when Dave came on the scene again. I told them I would think about it and to “just off my back while I decide what else I can do.”

Dave picked me up the next day. It was Saturday afternoon by the time we got away. We rode down the coast as usual, and although Dave was tired having been on guard duty all night, we decided to find somewhere quiet to be together. Sex was high on the agenda but we weren’t really that bothered where. We found a disused railway and followed it for a while. We came across an old bridge with a metal gate underneath. Dave looked around and found a metal pole and struggled but managed to wrench the gate apart with it. We seemed to have this uncanny knack of finding really glamorous places to spend time together. I was getting used to these up-market locations for sex. Why don’t we just do it in the dirt, I thought.

“We don’t have much time,” he said as he hurriedly took off his green parka and laid it on the ground for me to lie on.

“But, can’t we. . ?”

“You don’t want to get in trouble for being late,” he sounded concerned. I knew what was coming but was totally powerless to resist. I had smoked some happy backie and felt really cosy and relaxed.

When Dave rolled off of me and dozed off after his fierce five-minute shag, I lay there in a world of my own. I could feel the sticky mess oozing between my legs and wondered if he had any tissues. I was blissfully unaware that I was past my curfew. I dozed off too, and when I came to, it was pitch black. Dave was fast asleep and I could hear rustling nearby. It seemed far too loud for a fox or a badger. Had someone found us? Had they been watching us all along? Fear dug in between my ribs. It went silent again for a few minutes then the rustling and moving around got louder. I grabbed Dave shaking him attempting to wake him quietly.

“Sshhh,” I whispered into his ear, “there’s someone there.” My eyes were wide in fear and I was breathing heavy.

“Who’s there?” He called out into the trees. It fell silent again.

“It’s not fucking funny, now, come out,” I shouted into the dark.

Dave grabbed for the metal bar for and we warily tip-toed back to the gate. Scrunch-a-boom! A loud crashing noise exploded in front of us and large tree branches snapped. We both flew back from the gate scrambling and grabbing at each other in the black tunnel straining to see in the dark. Suddenly, a big, black and white cow came through the hedge and stared at us like, What the hell are you two doing here?

“Shit!” Dave said throwing the pole into the back of the tunnel in disgust. He muttered under his breath while I burst out laughing. The poor cow ran off into the black of night, charging through another hedgerow. I couldn’t stop giggling for ages. I honestly thought it was the boogieman and it was a milk cow.

“My hero,” I threw my arm around Dave imagining how he was protecting me.

“Aah shit!” he cursed looking at his watch. “Shit, shit, shit!” was all he could say. “Come on,” he said grabbing my arm, more or less dragging me back across the tracks, through the undergrowth to his scooter.

The house was dark, not a light on and not a sound. Dave had stopped his scooter around the corner so he wouldn’t draw attention to our arrival. As I sneaked up the metal stairs which led to my room, Dave took off. I hoped and prayed the window wasn’t locked, but no luck. Sealed! Alone and totally frustrated and annoyed, I hadn’t thought to unlock the window before I left, so I had no choice. I went back downstairs and sat on the door step. I couldn’t risk waking everyone so I sat on that cold, hard doorstep until the sun rose in the sky and staff turned up for work.

“Wakey wakey,” Jane appeared up the walk. “What happened to you last night? You had everyone worried. They reported you to the police as missing,” she said with her back to me, unlocking the front door and picking up the milk bottles. I must have slept through the milk delivery. She walked inside.

“Missing?” I repeated parrot fashion. I pulled myself up off of the doorstep and followed her in. I climbed the stairs to my room, feeling shattered and not caring less if I was in trouble. I didn’t want Dave to get in trouble, so I would keep him out of it whatever it took.

I lay on my bed trying to think up some amazing cock-and-bull story that might clear him, but I came up short. No one would believe me for a minute that we had fallen asleep in a tunnel or even that we fell asleep anywhere. No one on Earth was fool enough to believe the cow story. I thought, See, even when I tell the truth no one believes me so what’s the point? I could feel the anger rumbling inside me like a volcano. I felt cornered. Four members of staff were there telling me how I was grounded, and how I worried everyone sick. Obviously, Dave couldn’t be trusted so I was banned from seeing him ever again.

“Oh, you reckon do you?” I screamed. “Who the fuck do you think you are? You can’t tell me what to do! And don’t fucking look at me like that or I will wipe that look off your face!”

I was livid, blood boiling, adrenaline rushing through my body like a snort of cocaine. How will they stop me? They’ll have to lock me in my room! I marched out of the office. Phil followed me out into the hall and put his hand on my shoulder to stop me walking away. I just flipped. I don’t know what came over me. I started hitting him, kicking him, and punching for all I was worth. It was seconds, really, before other staff came to his support. Before I knew it I was on the floor being pinned down by four staff members. It took a while before I could feel anything, like the pain in my neck from being kneed to the ground. I guess they had no choice but to protect them and me from myself. Fingers dug into my arms to hold me down and the pain started to get more and more real. I couldn’t breathe and my heart was racing, full panic mode.

“Just calm down,” a male voice tried to reassure me.

“Get off me!” I screamed shifting to move the bodies. I finally got tired from the struggle and started to give in and calm down. Phil was talking to me softly, trying to calm me down and advising me or rather telling me how this sort of behaviour got me nowhere.

Oh yeah, I thought, like I had intended to flip out or something. I didn’t want to hurt anyone. It was just a switch that turned on in my head when I got scared. It was the time in my life when my thirst for fighting worsened. Anything was an excuse for a good fight. Kids at the home began to avoid me and I started to rebel even harder.

I would sneak out at night in order to meet Dave. We would find somewhere to go and be together, meeting up with friends in a café or just going for a ride on his scooter. I really didn’t care what we did. I was his as long as he got me away from that kid’s home.