not a lie, just a clarification.
And this is the joke.
There are three men on a train. One of them is an economist and one of them is a logician and one of them is a mathematician. And they have just crossed the border into Scotland (I don’t know why they are going to Scotland) and they see a brown cow standing in a field from the window of the train (and the cow is standing parallel to the train).
And the economist says, “Look, the cows in Scotland are brown.”
And the logician says, “No. There are cows in Scotland of which one at least is brown.”
And the mathematician says, “No. There is at least one cow in Scotland, of which one side appears to be brown.”
And it is funny because economists are not real scientists, and because logicians think more clearly, but mathematicians are best.
And when I am in a new place, because I see everything, it is like when a computer is doing too many things at the same time and the central processor unit is blocked up and there isn’t any space left to think about other things. And when I am in a new place and there are lots of people there it is even harder because people are not like cows and flowers and grass and they can talk to you and do things that you don’t expect, so you have to notice everything that is in the place, and also you have to notice things that might happen as well. And sometimes when I am in a new place and there are lots of people there it is like a computer crashing and I have to close my eyes and put my hands over my ears and groan, which is like pressing CTRL + ALT + DEL and shutting down programs and turning the computer off and rebooting so that I can remember what I am doing and where I am meant to be going.
And that is why I am good at chess and maths and logic, because most people are almost blind and they don’t see most things and there is lots of spare capacity in their heads and it is filled with things which aren’t connected and are silly, like, “I’m worried that I might have left the gas cooker on.”
191. My train set had a little building that was two rooms with a corridor between them, and one was the ticket office where you bought the tickets, and one was a waiting room where you waited for the train. But the train station in Swindon wasn’t like that. It was a tunnel and some stairs, and a shop and café and a waiting room like this:
But this is not a very accurate map of the station because I was scared so I was not noticing things very well, and this is just what I remember so it is an approximation. And it was like standing on a cliff in a really strong wind because it made me feel giddy and sick because there were lots of people walking into and out of the tunnel and it was really echoey and there was only one way to go and that was down the tunnel, and it smelled of toilets and cigarettes. So I stood against the wall and held on to the edge of a sign that said Customers seeking access to car park please use assistance phone opposite, right of the ticket office to make sure that I didn’t fall over and go into a crouch on the ground. And I wanted to go home but I was frightened of going home and I tried to make a plan of what I should do in my head but there were too many things to look at and too many things to hear.
So I put my hands over my ears to block out the noise and think. And I thought that I had to stay in the station to get on a train and I had to sit down somewhere and there was nowhere to sit down near the door of the station so I had to walk down the tunnel. So I said to myself, in my head, not out loud, “I will walk down the tunnel and there might be somewhere I can sit down and then I can shut my eyes and I can think,” and I walk down the tunnel trying to concentrate on the sign at the end of the tunnel that said WARNING CCTV in operation. And it was like stepping off the cliff on a tightrope.
And eventually I got to the end of the tunnel and there were some stairs and I went up the stairs and there were still lots of people and I groaned and there was a shop at the top of the stairs and a room with chairs in it but there were too many people in the room with chairs in it, so I walked past it. And there were signs saying Great Western and cold beers and lagers and CAUTION WET FLOOR and Your 50p will keep a premature baby alive for 1.8 seconds and transforming travel and Refreshingly Different and IT’S DELICIOUS IT’S CREAMY AND IT’S ONLY £1.30 HOT CHOC DELUXE and 0870 777 7676 and The Lemon Tree and No Smoking and FINE TEAS and there were some little tables with chairs next to them and no one was sitting at one of the tables and it was in a corner and I sat down on one of the chairs next to it and I closed my eyes. And I put my hands in my pockets and Toby climbed into my hand and I gave him two pellets of rat food from my bag and I gripped the Swiss Army knife in the other hand, and I groaned to cover up the noise because I had taken my hands off my ears, but not so loud that other
people would hear me groaning and come and talk to me.
And then I tried to think about what I had to do, but I couldn’t think because there were too many other things in my head, so I did a maths problem to make my head clearer. And the maths problem that I did was called Conway’s Soldiers. And in Conway’s Soldiers you have a chessboard that continues infinitely in all directions and every square below a horizontal line has a colored tile on it like this:
And you can move a colored tile only if it can jump over a colored tile horizontally or vertically (but not diagonally) into an empty square 2 squares away. And when you move a colored tile in this way you have to remove the colored tile that it jumped over, like this:
And you have to see how far you get the colored tiles above the starting horizontal line, and you start by doing something like this:
And then you do something like this:
And I know what the answer is because however you move the colored tiles you will never get a colored tile more than 4 squares above the starting horizontal line, but it is a good maths problem to do in your head when you don’t want to think about something else because you can make it as complicated as you need to fill your brain by making the board as big as you want and the moves as complicated as you want. And I had got to
and then I looked up and saw that there was a policeman standing in front of me and he was saying, “Anyone at home?” but I didn’t know what that meant.
And then he said, “Are you all right, young man?”
I looked at him and I thought for a bit so that I would answer the question correctly and I said,
“No.”
And he said, “You’re looking a bit worse for wear.”
He had a gold ring on one of his fingers and it had curly letters on it but I couldn’t see what the letters were.
Then he said, “The lady at the café says you’ve been here for 2½ hours, and when she tried talking to you, you were in a complete trance.”
Then he said, “What’s your name?”
And I said, “Christopher Boone.”
And he said, “Where do you live?”
And I said, “36 Randolph Street,” and I started feeling better because I like policemen and it was an easy question, and I wondered whether I should tell him that Father killed Wellington and whether he would arrest Father.
And he said, “What are you doing here?”
And I said, “I needed to sit down and be quiet and think.”
And he said, “OK, let’s keep it simple. What are you doing at the railway station?”
And I said, “I’m going to see Mother.”
And he said, “Mother?”
And I said, “Yes, Mother.”
And he said, “When’s your train?”
And I said, “I don’t know. She lives in London. I don’t know when there’s a train to London.”
And he said, “So, you don’t live with your mother?”
And I said, “No. But I’m going to.”
And then he sat down next to me and said, “So, where does your mother live?”
And I said, “In London.”
And he said, “Yes, but where in London?”
And I said, “451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG.”
And he said, “Jesus. What is that?”
And I looked down and I said, “That’s my pet rat, Toby,” because he was looking out of my pocket at the policeman.
And the policeman said, “A pet rat?”
And I said, “Yes, a pet rat. He’s very clean and he hasn’t got bubonic plague.”
And the policeman said, “Well that’s reassuring.”
And I said, “Yes.”
And he said, “Have you got a ticket?”
And I said, “No.”
And he said, “Have you got any money to get a ticket?”
And I said, “No.”
And he said, “So, how precisely were you going to get to London, then?”
And then I didn’t know what to say because I had Father’s cashpoint card in my pocket and it was illegal to steal things, but he was a policeman so I had to tell the truth, so I said, “I have a cashpoint card,” and I took it out of my pocket and I showed it to him. And this was a white lie. But the policeman said, “Is this your card?”
And then I thought he might arrest me, and I said, “No, it’s Father’s.”
And he said, “Father’s?”
And I said, “Yes, Father’s.”
And he said, “OK,” but he said it really slowly and he squeezed his nose between his thumb and his forefinger.
And I said, “He told me the number,” which was another white lie.
And he said, “Why don’t you and I take a stroll to the cashpoint machine, eh?”
And I said, “You mustn’t touch me.”
And he said, “Why would I want to touch you?”
And I said, “I don’t know.”
And he said, “Well neither do I.”
And I said, “Because I got a caution for hitting a policeman, but I didn’t mean to hurt him and if I do it again I’ll get into even bigger trouble.”
Then he looked at me and he said, “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
And I said, “Yes.”
And he said, “You lead the way.”
And I said, “Where?”
And he said, “Back by the ticket office,”and he pointed with his thumb. And then we walked back through the tunnel, but it wasn’t so frightening this time because there was a policeman with me.
And I put the cashpoint card into the machine like Father had let me do sometimes when we were shopping together and it said ENTER YOUR PERSONAL NUMBER and I typed in 3558 and pressed the ENTER button and the machine said PLEASE ENTER AMOUNT and there was a choice:
And I asked the policeman, “How much does it cost to get a ticket for a train to London?”
And he said, “About 30 quid.”
And I said, “Is that pounds?”
And he said, “Christ alive,” and he laughed. But I didn’t laugh because I don’t like people laughing at me, even if they are policemen. And he stopped laughing, and he said, “Yep. It’s 30 pounds.”
So I pressed £50 and five £10 notes came out of the machine, and a receipt, and I put the notes and the receipt and the card into my pocket.
And the policeman said, “Well, I guess I shouldn’t keep you chatting any longer.”
And I said, “Where do I get a ticket for the train from?” because if you are lost and you need directions you can ask a policeman.
And he said, “You are a prize specimen, aren’t you?”
And I said, “Where do I get a ticket for the train from?” because he hadn’t answered my question.
And he said, “In there,” and he pointed and there was a big room with a glass window on the other side of the train station door, and then he said, “Now, are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
And I said, “Yes. I’m going to London to live with my mother.”
And he said, “Has your mother got a telephone number?”
And I said, “Yes.”
And he said, “And can you tell me what it is?”
And I said, “Yes. It’s 0208 887 8907.”
And he said, “And you’ll ring her if you get into any trouble, OK?”
And I said, “Yes,” because I knew you could ring people from phone boxes if you had money, and I had money now.
And he said, “Good.”
And I walked into the ticket office and I turned round and I could see that the policeman was still watching me so I felt safe. And there was a long desk at the other side of the big room and a window on the desk and there was a man standing in front of the window and there was a man behind the window, and I said to the man behind the window, “I want to go to London.”
And the man in front of the window said, “If you don’t mind,” and he turned round so that his back was toward me and the man behind the window gave him a little bit of paper to sign and he signed it and pushed it back under the window and the man behind the window gave him a ticket. And then the man in front of the window looked at me and he said, “What the fuck are you looking at?” and then he walked away.
And he had dreadlocks, which is what some black people have, but he was white, and dreadlocks is when you never wash your hair and it looks like old rope. And he had red trousers with stars on them. And I kept my hand on my Swiss Army knife in case he touched me. And then there was no one else in front of the window and I said to the man behind the window, “I want to go to London,” and I hadn’t been frightened when I was with the policeman but I turned round and I saw that he had gone now and I was scared again, so I tried to pretend I was playing a game on my computer and it was called Train to London and it was like Myst or The 11th Hour , and you had to solve lots of different problems to get to the next level, and I could turn it off at any time.
And the man said, “Single or return?”
And I said, “What does single or return mean?”
And he said, “Do you want to go one way, or do you want to go and come back?”
And I said, “I want to stay there when I get there.”
And he said, “For how long?”
And I said, “Until I go to university.”
And he said, “Single, then,” and then he said, “That’ll be £32.”
And I gave him the fifty pounds and he gave me £10 back and he said, “Don’t you go throwing it away.”
And then he gave me a little yellow and orange ticket and £8 in coins and I put it all in my pocket with my knife. And I didn’t like the ticket being half yellow but I had to keep it because it was my train ticket.
And then he said, “If you could move away from the counter.”
And I said, “When is the train to London?”
And he looked at his watch and said, “Platform 1, five minutes.”
And I said, “Where is Platform 1?”
And he pointed and said, “Through the underpass and up the stairs. You’ll see the signs.”
And underpass meant tunnel because I could see where he was pointing, so I went out of the ticket office, but it wasn’t like a computer game at all because I was in the middle of it and it was like all the signs were shouting in my head and someone bumped into me as they walked past and I made a noise like a dog barking to scare them off.
And I pictured in my head a big red line across the floor which started at my feet and went through the tunnel and I started walking along the red line, saying, “Left, right, left, right, left, right,” because sometimes when I am frightened or angry it helps if I do something that has a rhythm to it, like music or drumming, which is something Siobhan taught me to do. And I went up the stairs and I saw a sign saying Platform 1 and there was pointing at a glass door so I went through it, and someone bumped into me again with a suitcase and I made another noise like a dog barking, and they said, “Watch where the hell you’re going,” but I pretended that they were just one of the Guarding Demons in Train to London and there was a train. And I saw a man with a newspaper and a bag of golf clubs go up to one of the doors of the train and press a big button next to it and the doors were electronic and they slid open and I liked that. And then the doors closed behind him.
And then I looked at my watch and 5 minutes had gone past since I was at the ticket office, which meant that the train would be going in 2 minutes.
And then I went up to the door and I pressed the big button and the doors slid open and I stepped through the doors.
And I was on the train to London.
193. When I used to play with my train set I made a train timetable because I liked timetables. And I like timetables because I like to know when everything is going to happen. And this was my timetable when I lived at home with Father and I thought that Mother was dead from a heart attack (this was the timetable for a Monday and also it is an approximation)
7:20 a.m. Wake up
7:25 a.m. Clean teeth and wash face
7:30 a.m. Give Toby food and water
7:40 a.m. Have breakfast
8:00 a.m. Put school clothes on
8:05 a.m. Pack schoolbag
8:10 a.m. Read book or watch video
8:32 a.m. Catch bus to school
8:43 a.m. Go past tropical fish shop
8:51 a.m. Arrive at school
9:00 a.m. School assembly
9:15 a.m. First morning class
10:30 a.m. Break
10:50 a.m. Art class with Mrs. Peters [12]
12:30 p.m. Lunch
1:00 p.m. First afternoon class
2:15 p.m . Second afternoon class
3:30 p.m. Catch school bus home
3:49 p.m. Get off school bus at home
3:50 p.m. Have juice and snack
3:55 p.m. Give Toby food and water
4:00 p.m. Take Toby out of his cage
4:18 p.m. Put Toby into his cage
4:20 p.m. Watch television or video
5:00 p.m. Read a book
6:00 p.m. Have tea
6:30 p.m. Watch television or a video
7:00 p.m. Do maths practice
8:00 p.m. Have a bath
8:15 p.m. Get changed into pajamas
8:20 p.m. Play computer games
9:00 p.m. Watch television or a video
9:20 p.m. Have juice and a snack
9:30 p.m. Go to bed
And at the weekend I make up my own timetable and I write it down on a piece of cardboard and I put it up on the wall. And it says things like Feed Toby or Do maths or Go to the shop to buy sweets. And that is one of the other reasons why I don’t like France, because when people are on holiday they don’t have a timetable and I had to get Mother and Father to tell me every morning exactly what we were going to do that day to make me feel better.
Because time is not like space. And when you put something down somewhere, like a protractor or a biscuit, you can have a map in your head to tell you where you have left it, but even if you don’t have a map it will still be there because a map is a representation of things that actually exist so you can find the protractor or the biscuit again. And a timetable is a map of time, except that if you don’t have a timetable time is not there like the landing and the garden and the route to school. Because time is only the relationship between the way different things change, like the earth going round the sun and atoms vibrating and clocks ticking and day and night and waking up and going to sleep, and it is like west or nor-nor-east, which won’t exist when the earth stops existing and falls into the sun because it is only a relationship between the North Pole and the South Pole and everywhere else, like Mogadishu and Sunderland and Canberra.
And it isn’t a fixed relationship like the relationship between our house and Mrs. Shears’s house, or like the relationship between 7 and 865, but it depends on how fast you are going relative to a specific point. And if you go off in a spaceship and you travel near the speed of light, you may come back and find that all your family is dead and you are still young and it will be the future but your clock will say that you have only been away for a few days or months. And because nothing can travel faster than the speed of light, this means that we can only know about a fraction of the things that go on in the universe, like this:
12 In the art class we do art, but in the first morning class and the first afternoon class and the second afternoon class we do lots of different things like Reading and Tests and Social Skills and Looking after Animals and What We Did at the Weekend and Writing and Maths and Stranger Danger and Money and Personal Hygiene.
And this is a map of everything and everywhere, and the future is on the right and the past is on the left and the gradient of the line c is the speed of light, but we can’t know about the things which happen in the shaded areas even though some of them have already happened, but when we get to f it will be possible to find out about things which happen in the lighter areas p and q . And this means that time is a mystery, and not even a thing, and no one has ever solved the puzzle of what time is, exactly. And so, if you get lost in time it is like being lost in a desert, except that you can’t see the desert because it is not a thing.
And this is why I like timetables, because they make sure you don’t get lost in time.
197. There were lots of people on the train, and I didn’t like that, because I don’t like lots of people I don’t know and I hate it even more if I am stuck in a room with lots of people I don’t know, and a train is like a room and you can’t get out of it when it’s moving. And it made me think of when I had to come home in the car from school one day because the bus had broken down and Mother came and picked me up and Mrs. Peters asked Mother if she could take Jack and Polly home because their mothers couldn’t come and pick them up, and Mother said yes. But I started screaming in the car because there were too many people in it and Jack and Polly weren’t in my class and Jack bangs his head on things and makes a noise like an animal, and I tried to get out of the car, but it was still going along and I fell out onto the road and I had to have stitches in my head and they had to shave the hair off and it took 5 months for it to grow back to the way it was before. So I stood very still in the train carriage and didn’t move. And then I heard someone say
“Christopher.” And I thought it would be someone I knew, like a teacher from school or one of the people who live in our street, but it wasn’t. It was the policeman again. And he said, “Caught you just in time,” and he was breathing really loud and holding his knees.
And I didn’t say anything.
And he said, “We’ve got your father at the police station.”
And I thought he was going to say that they had arrested Father for killing Wellington, but he didn’t. He said, “He’s looking for you.”
And I said, “I know.”
And he said, “So, why are you going to London?”
And I said, “Because I’m going to live with Mother.”
And he said, “Well, I think your father might have something to say about that.”
And then I thought that he was going to take me back to Father and that was frightening because he was a policeman and policemen are meant to be good, so I started to run away, but he grabbed me and I screamed. And then he let go.
And he said, “OK, let’s not get overexcited here.” And then he said, “I’m going to take you back to the police station and you and me and your dad can sit down and have a little chat about who’s going where.”
And I said, “I’m going to live with Mother, in London.”
And he said, “Not just yet you’re not.”
And I said, “Have you arrested Father?”
And he said, “Arrested him? What for?”
And I said, “He killed a dog. With a garden fork. The dog was called Wellington.”
And the policeman said, “Did he now?”
And I said, “Yes, he did.”
And he said, “Well, we can talk about that as well.” And then he said, “Right, young man, I think you’ve done enough adventuring for one day.”
And then he reached out to touch me again and I started to scream again, and he said, “Now listen, you little monkey. You can either do what I say or I am going to have to make–”
And then the train jiggled and it began to move.
And then the policeman said, “Shitting fuck.”
And then he looked at the ceiling of the train and he put his hands together in front of his mouth like people do when they are praying to God in heaven and he breathed really loudly into his hands and made a whistling noise, and then he stopped because the train jiggled again and he had to grab hold of one of the straps which were hanging from the ceiling.
And then he said, “Don’t move.”
And then he took out his walkie-talkie and pressed a button and said, “Rob…? Yeah, it’s Nigel. I’m stuck on the bloody train. Yeah. Don’t even… Look. It stops at Didcot Parkway. So, if you can get someone to meet me with a car… Cheers. Tell his old man we’ve got him but it’s going to take a while, OK? Great.”
And then he clicked his walkie-talkie off and he said, “Let’s get ourselves a seat,” and he pointed to two long seats nearby which faced each other, and he said, “Park yourself. And no monkey business.”
And the people who were sitting on the seats got up and walked away because he was a policeman and we sat down facing one another.
And he said, “You are a bloody handful, aren’t you? Jeez.”
And I wondered whether the policeman would help me find 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG.
And I looked out of the window and we were going past factories and scrap yards full of old cars and there were 4 caravans in a muddy field with 2 dogs and some clothes hanging up to dry. And outside the window was like a map, except that it was in 3 dimensions and it was life-size because it was the thing it was a map of. And there were so many things it made my head hurt, so I closed my eyes, but then I opened them again because it was like flying, but nearer to the ground, and I think flying is good. And then the countryside started and there were fields and cows and horses and a bridge and a farm and more houses and lots of little roads with cars on them. And that made me think that there must be millions of miles of train track in the world and they all go past houses and roads and rivers and fields, and that made me think how many people must be in the world and they all have houses and roads to travel on and cars and pets and clothes and they all eat lunch and go to bed and have names and this made my head hurt, too, so I closed my eyes again and did counting and groaning.
And when I opened my eyes the policeman was reading a newspaper called The Sun , and on the front of the paper it said £3m Anderson’s Call Girl Shame and it had a picture of a man and a picture of a lady in a bra underneath.
And then I did some maths practice in my head, solving quadratic equations using the formula:
And then I wanted to go for a wee, but I was on a train. And I didn’t know how long it would take us to get to London and I felt a panic starting, and I started to tap a rhythm on the glass with my knuckles to help me wait and not think about wanting to go for a wee, and I looked at my watch and I waited for 17 minutes, but when I want to go for a wee I have to go really quickly, which is why I like to be at home or at school and I always go for a wee before I get on the bus, which is why I leaked a bit and wet my trousers.
And then the policeman looked across at me and said, “Oh Christ, you’ve…” And then he put his newspaper down and said, “For God’s sake go to the bloody toilet, will you.”
And I said, “But I’m on a train.”
And he said, “They do have toilets on trains, you know.”
And I said, “Where is the toilet on the train?”
And he pointed and said, “Through those doors there. But I’ll be keeping an eye on you, understand?”
And I said, “No,” because I knew what keeping an eye on someone meant but he couldn’t look at me when I was in the toilet.
And he said, “Just go to the bloody toilet.”
So I got up out of my seat and I closed my eyes so that my eyelids were just little slits so I couldn’t see the other people on the train and I walked to the door, and when I got through the door there was another door on the right and it was half open and it said TOILET on it, so I went inside. And it was horrible inside because there was poo on the seat of the toilet and it smelled of poo, like the toilet at school when Joseph has been for a poo on his own, because he plays with it. And I didn’t want to use the toilet because of the poo, which was the poo of people I didn’t know and brown, but I had to because I really wanted to wee. So I closed my eyes and went for a wee and the train wobbled and lots went on the seat and on the floor, but I wiped my penis with toilet paper and flushed the toilet and then I tried to use the sink but the tap didn’t work, so I put spit on my hands and wiped them with a paper tissue and put it into the toilet. Then I went out of the toilet and I saw that opposite the toilet there were two shelves with cases and a rucksack on them and it made me think of the airing cupboard at home and how I climb in there sometimes and it makes me feel safe. So I climbed onto the middle shelf and I pulled one of the cases across like a door so that I was shut in, and it was dark and there was no one in there with me and I couldn’t hear people talking so I felt much calmer and it was nice. And I did some more quadratic equations like
0 = 437x^2 + 103x + 11
and
0 = 79x^2 + 43x + 2089
and I made some of the coefficients large so that they were hard to solve. And then the train started to slow down and someone came and stood near the shelf and knocked on the door of the toilet, and it was the policeman and he said, “Christopher…? Christopher…?” and then he opened the door of the toilet and said, “Bloody hell,” and he was really close so that I could see his walkie-talkie and his truncheon on his belt and I could smell his aftershave, but he didn’t see me and I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want him to take me to Father.
And then he went away again, running.
And then the train stopped and I wondered if it was London, but I didn’t move because I didn’t want the policeman to find me.
And then a lady with a jumper that had bees and flowers made of wool on it came and took the rucksack off the shelf over my head and she said, “You scared the living daylights out of me.”
But I didn’t say anything.
And then she said, “I think someone’s out there on the platform looking for you.”
But I carried on not saying anything.
And she said, “Well, it’s your lookout,” and she went away.
And then 3 other people walked past and one of them was a black man in a long white dress and he put a big parcel on the shelf above my head but he didn’t see me. And then the train started going again.
199. People believe in God because the world is very complicated and they think it is very unlikely that anything as complicated as a flying squirrel or the human eye or a brain could happen by chance. But they should think logically and if they thought logically they would see that they can only ask this question because it has already happened and they exist. And there are billions of planets where there is no life, but there is no one on those planets with brains to notice. And it is like if everyone in the world was tossing coins eventually someone would get 5,698 heads in a row and they would think they were very special. But they wouldn’t be because there would be millions of people who didn’t get 5,698 heads.
And there is life on earth because of an accident. But it is a very special kind of accident. And for this accident to happen in this special way, there have to be 3 conditions. And these are:
Things have to make copies of themselves (this is called Replication)
They have to make small mistakes when they do this (this is called Mutation) These mistakes have to be the same in their copies (this is called Heritability)
And these conditions are very rare, but they are possible, and they cause life. And it just happens. But it doesn’t have to end up with rhinoceroses and human beings and whales. It could end up with anything.
And, for example, some people say how can an eye happen by accident? Because an eye has to evolve from something else very like an eye and it doesn’t just happen because of a genetic mistake, and what is the use of half an eye? But half an eye is very useful because half an eye means that an animal can see half of an animal that wants to eat it and get out of the way, and it will eat the animal that only has a third of an eye or 49% of an eye instead because it hasn’t got out of the way quick enough, and the animal that is eaten won’t have babies because it is dead. And 1% of an eye is better than no eye.
And people who believe in God think God has put human beings on the earth because they think human beings are the best animal, but human beings are just an animal and they will evolve into another animal, and that animal will be cleverer and it will put human beings into a zoo, like we put chimpanzees and gorillas into a zoo. Or human beings will all catch a disease and die out or they will make too much pollution and kill themselves, and then there will only be insects in the world and they will be the best animal.
211. Then I wondered whether I should have got off the train because it had just stopped at London, and I was scared because if the train went anywhere else it would be somewhere where I didn’t know anybody.
And then somebody went to the toilet and then they came out again, but they didn’t see me. And I could smell their poo, and it was different from the smell of the poo that I smelled in the toilet when I went in there.
And then I closed my eyes and did some more maths puzzles so I didn’t think about where I was going.
And then the train stopped again, and I thought about getting off the shelf and going to get my bag and get off the train. But I didn’t want to be found by the policeman and be taken to Father, so I
stayed on the shelf and didn’t move, and no one saw me this time.
And then I remembered that there was a map on the wall of one of the classrooms at school, and it was a map of England and Scotland and Wales and it showed you where all the towns were and I pictured it in my head with Swindon and London on it, and it was like this in my head:
And I had been looking at my watch since the train had started at 12:59 p.m. And the first stop had been at 1:16 p.m., which was 17 minutes later. And it was now 1:39 p.m., which was 23 minutes after the stop, which meant that we would be at the sea if the train didn’t go in a big curve. But I didn’t know if it went in a big curve.
And then there were another 4 stops and 4 people came and took bags away from the shelves and 2 people put bags on the shelves, but no one moved the big suitcase that was in front of me and only one person saw me and they said, “You are fucking weird, mate,” and that was a man in a suit. And 6 people went to the toilet but they didn’t do poos that I could smell, which was good. And then the train stopped and a lady with a yellow waterproof coat came and took the big suitcase away and she said, “Have you touched this?”
And I said, “Yes.”
And then she went away.
And then a man stood next to the shelf and said, “Come and look at this, Barry. They’ve got, like, a train elf.”
And another man came and stood next to him and said, “Well, we have both been drinking.”
And the first man said, “Perhaps we should feed him some nuts.”
And the second man said, “You’re the one who’s bloody nuts.”
And the first one said, “Come on, shift it, you daft cunt. I need more beers before I sober up.”
And then they went away.
And then the train was really quiet and it didn’t move again and I couldn’t hear anyone. So I decided to get off the shelf and go and get my bag and see if the policeman was still sitting in his seat.
So I got off the shelf and I looked through the door, but the policeman wasn’t there. And my bag had gone as well, which had Toby’s food in it and my maths books and my clean pants and vest and shirt and the orange juice and the milk and the custard creams and the baked beans. And then I heard the sound of feet and I turned round and it was another policeman, not the one who was on the train before, and I could see him through the door, in the next carriage, and he was looking under the seats. And I decided that I didn’t like policemen so much anymore, so I got off the train.
And when I saw how big the room was that the train was in and I heard how noisy and echoey it was, I had to kneel down on the ground for a bit because I thought I was going to fall over. And when I was kneeling on the ground I worked out which way to walk, and I decided to walk in the direction the train was going when it came into the station because if this was the last stop, that was the direction London was in.
So I stood up and I imagined that there was a big red line on the ground which ran parallel to the train to the gate at the far end and I walked along it and I said, “Left, right, left, right…” again, like before.
And when I got to the gate a man said to me, “I think someone’s looking for you, sonny.”
And I said, “Who’s looking for me?” because I thought it might be Mother and the policeman in Swindon had phoned her up with the phone number I told him.
But he said, “A policeman.”
And I said, “I know.”
And he said, “Oh. Right.” And then he said, “You wait here, then, and I’ll go and tell them,”
and he walked back down the side of the train.
So I carried on walking. And I could still feel the feeling like a balloon inside my chest and it hurt and I covered my ears with my hands and I went and stood against the wall of a little shop which said Hotel and Theatre Reservations Tel: 0207 402 5164 in the middle of the big room and then I took my hands away from my ears and I groaned to block out the noise and I looked round the big room at all the signs to see if this was London. And the signs said:
But after a few seconds they looked like this:
because there were too many and my brain wasn’t working properly and this frightened me so I closed my eyes again and I counted slowly to 50 but without doing the cubes. And I stood there and I opened my Swiss Army knife in my pocket to make me feel safe and I held on to it tight. And then I made my hand into a little tube with my fingers and I opened my eyes and I looked through the tube so that I was only looking at one sign at a time and after a long time I saw a sign that said Information and it was above a window on a little shop. And a man came up to me and he was wearing a blue jacket and blue trousers and he had brown shoes and he was carrying a book in his hand and he said, “You look lost.”
So I took out my Swiss Army knife.
And he said, “Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa,” and held up both his hands with his fingers stretched out in a fan, like he wanted me to stretch my fingers out in a fan and touch his fingers because he wanted to say he loved me, but he did it with both hands, not one like Father and Mother, and I didn’t know who he was.
And then he walked away backward.
So I went to the shop that said Information and I could feel my heart beating very hard and I could hear a noise like the sea in my ears. And when I got to the window I said, “Is this London?”
but there was no one behind the window.
And then someone sat behind the window and she was a lady and she was black and she had
long fingernails which were painted pink and I said, “Is this London?”
And she said, “Sure is, honey.”
And I said, “Is this London?”
And she said, “Indeed it is.”
And I said, “How do I get to 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG?”
And she said, “Where is that?”
And I said, “It’s 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG. And sometimes you can write it 451c Chapter Road, Willesden, London NW2 5NG.”
And the lady said to me, “Take the tube to Willesden Junction, honey. Or Willesden Green. Got to be near there somewhere.”
And I said, “What sort of tube?”
And she said, “Are you for real?”
And I didn’t say anything.
And she said, “Over there. See that big staircase with the escalators? See the sign? Says Underground. Take the Bakerloo Line to Willesden Junction or the Jubilee to Willesden Green. You OK, honey?”
And I looked where she was pointing and there was a big staircase going down into the ground and there was a big sign over the top of it like this:
And I thought, “I can do this,” because I was doing really well and I was in London and I would find my mother. And I had to think to myself, “The people are like cows in a field,” and I just had to look in front of me all the time and make a red line along the floor in the picture of the big room in my head and follow it.
And I walked across the big room to the escalators. And I kept hold of my Swiss Army knife in my pocket and I held on to Toby in my other pocket to make sure he didn’t escape. And the escalators was a staircase but it was moving and people stepped onto it and it carried them down and up and it made me laugh because I hadn’t been on one before and it was like something in a science fiction film about the future. But I didn’t want to use it so I went down the stairs instead.
And then I was in a smaller room underground and there were lots of people and there were pillars which had blue lights in the ground around the bottom of them and I liked these but I didn’t like the people, so I saw a photo booth like one I went into on 25 March 1994 to have my passport photo done, and I went into the photo booth because it was like a cupboard and it felt safer and I could look out through the curtain.
And I did detecting by watching and I saw that people were putting tickets into gray gates and walking through. And some of them were buying tickets at big black machines on the wall. And I watched 47 people do this and I memorized what to do. Then I imagined a red line on the floor and I walked over to the wall where there was a poster which was a list of places to go and it was alphabetical and I saw Willesden Green and it said £2:20 and then I went to one of the machines and there was a little screen which said PRESS TICKET TYPE and I pressed the button that most people had pressed, which was ADULT SINGLE and £2:20, and the screen said INSERT £2:20 and I put three £1 coins into the slot and there was a clinking noise and the screen said TAKE TICKET AND CHANGE and there was a ticket in a little hole at the bottom of the machine and a 50p coin and a 20p coin and a 10p coin and I put the coins in my pocket and I went up to one of the gray gates and I put my ticket into the slot and it sucked it in and it came out on the other side of the gate. And someone said, “Get a move on,” and I made the noise like a dog barking
and I walked forward and the gate opened this time and I took my ticket like other people did and I liked the gray gate because that was like something in a science fiction film about the future, too. And then I had to work out which way to go, so I stood against a wall so people didn’t touch me, and there was a sign for Bakerloo Line and District and Circle Line but not one for Jubilee Line like the lady had said, so I made a plan and it was to go to Willesden Junction on the Bakerloo Line.
And there was another sign for Bakerloo Line and it was like this:
And I read all the words and I found Willesden Junction , so I followed the arrow that said <– and I went through the left-hand tunnel and there was a fence down the middle of the tunnel and the people were walking straight ahead on the left and coming the other way on the right like on a road, so I walked along the left and the tunnel curved left and then there were more gates and a sign said Bakerloo Line and it pointed down an escalator, so I had to go down the escalators and I had to hold on to the rubber rail but that moved too so I didn’t fall over and people were, standing close to me and I wanted to hit them to make them go away but I didn’t hit them because of the caution.
And then I was at the bottom of the escalators and I had to jump off and I tripped and bumped into someone and they said, “Easy,” and there were two ways to go and one said Northbound and I went that way because Willesden was on the top half of the map and the top is always north on maps.
And then I was in another train station but it was tiny and it was in a tunnel and there was only one track and the walls were curved and they were covered in big adverts and they said WAY OUT and London’s Transport Museum and Take time out to regret your career choice and JAMAICA and British Rail and No Smoking and Be Moved and Be Moved and Be Moved and For Stations beyond Queen’s Park take the first train and change at Queen’s Park if necessary and Hammersmith and City Line and You’re closer than my family ever gets. And there were lots of people standing in the little station and it was underground so there weren’t any windows and I didn’t like that, so I found a seat which was a bench and I sat at the end of the bench.
And then lots of people started coming into the little station. And someone sat down on the other end of the bench and it was a lady who had a black briefcase and purple shoes and a brooch shaped like a parrot. And the people kept coming into the little station so that it was even more crowded than the big station. And then I couldn’t see the walls anymore and the back of someone’s jacket touched my knee and I felt sick and I started groaning really loudly and the lady on the bench stood up and no one else sat down. And I felt like I felt like when I had flu and I had to stay in bed all day and all of me hurt and I couldn’t walk or eat or go to sleep or do maths. And then there was a sound like people fighting with swords and I could feel a strong wind and a roaring started and I closed my eyes and the roaring got louder and I groaned really loudly but I couldn’t block it out of my ears and I thought the little station was going to collapse or there was a big fire somewhere and I was going to die. And then the roaring turned into a clattering and a squealing and it got slowly quieter and then it stopped and I kept my eyes closed because I felt safer not seeing what was happening. And then I could hear people moving again because it was quieter. And I opened my eyes but I couldn’t see anything at first because there were too many people. And then I saw that they were getting onto a train that wasn’t there before and it was the train which was the roaring. And there was sweat running down my face from under my hair and I was moaning, not groaning, but different, like a dog when it has hurt its paw, and I heard the sound but I didn’t realize it was me at first.
And then the train doors closed and the train started moving and it roared again but not as loud this time and 5 carriages went past and it went into the tunnel at the end of the little station and it was quiet again and the people were all walking into the tunnels that went out of the little station. And I was shaking and I wanted to be back at home, and then I realized I couldn’t be at home because Father was there and he told a lie and he killed Wellington, which meant that it wasn’t my home anymore, my home was 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, and it scared me, having a wrong thought like, “I wish I was back at home again,” because it meant my mind wasn’t working properly.
And then more people came into the little station and it became fuller and then the roaring began again and I closed my eyes and I sweated and felt sick and I felt the feeling like a balloon inside my chest and it was so big I found it hard to breathe. And then the people went away on the train and the little station was empty again. And then it filled up with people and another train came with the same roaring. And it was exactly like having flu that time because I wanted it to stop, like you can just pull the plug of a computer out of the wall if it crashes, because I wanted to go to sleep so that I wouldn’t have to think because the only thing I could think was how much it hurt because there was no room for anything else in my head, but I couldn’t go to sleep and I just had to sit there and there was nothing to do except to wait and to hurt.
223. And this is another description because Siobhan said I should do descriptions and it is a description of the advert that was on the wall of the little train station opposite me, but I can’t remember all of it because I thought I was going to die. And the advert said
DREAM HOLIDAY,
THINK KUONI
IN MALAYSIA
and behind the writing there was a big photograph of 2 orangutans and they were swinging on branches and there were trees behind them but the leaves were blurred because the camera was focusing on the orangutans and not the leaves and the orangutans were moving. And orangutan comes from the Malaysian word oranghutan , which means man of the woods, but oranghutan isn’t Malaysian for orangutan . And adverts are pictures or television programs to make you buy things like cars or Snickers or use an Internet Service Provider. But this was an advert to make you go to Malaysia on a holiday. And Malaysia is in Southeast Asia and it is made up of peninsular Malaysia and Sabah and Sarawak and Labuan and the capital is Kuala Lumpur and the highest mountain is Mount Kinabalu, which is 4,101 meters high, but that wasn’t on the advert.
And Siobhan says people go on holidays to see new things and relax, but it wouldn’t make me relaxed and you can see new things by looking at earth under a microscope or drawing the shape of the solid made when 3 circular rods of equal thickness intersect at right angles. And I think that there are so many things just in one house that it would take years to think about all of them properly. And also, a thing is interesting because of thinking about it and not because of being new. For example, Siobhan showed me that you can wet your finger and rub the edge of a thin glass and make a singing noise. And you can put different amounts of water in different glasses and they make different notes because they have what are called different resonant frequencies, and you can play a tune like Three Blind Mice. And lots of people have thin glasses in their houses and they don’t know you can do this.
And the advert said
Malaysia, truly Asia.
Stimulated by the sights and smells, you realise that you have arrived in a land of contrasts. You seek out the traditional, the natural and the cosmopolitan. Your memories stretch from city days to nature reserves to lazy hours on the beach. Prices from £575 per person.
Call us on 01306 747000, see your travel agent or visit the world at www.kuoni.co.uk.
A world of difference.
And there were three other pictures, and they were very small, and they were a palace and a beach and a palace. And this is what the orangutans looked like:
227. And I kept my eyes closed and I didn’t look at my watch at all. And the trains coming in and out of the station were in a rhythm, like music or drumming. And it was like counting and saying, “Left, right, left, right, left, right…” which Siobhan taught me to do to make myself calm. And I was saying in my head, “Train coming. Train stopped. Train going. Silence. Train coming. Train stopped. Train going…” as if the trains were only in my mind. And normally I don’t imagine things that aren’t happening because it is a lie and it makes me feel scared, but it was better than watching the trains coming in and out of the station because that made me feel even more scared.
And I didn’t open my eyes and I didn’t look at my watch. And it was like being in a dark room with the curtains closed so I couldn’t see anything, like when you wake up at night and the only sounds you hear are the sounds inside your head. And that made it better because it was like the little station wasn’t there, outside my head, but I was in bed and I was safe. And then the silences between the trains coming and going got longer and longer. And I could hear that there were fewer people in the little station when the train wasn’t there, so I opened my eyes and I looked at my watch and it said 8:07 p.m. and I had been sitting on the bench for approximately 5 hours but it hadn’t seemed like approximately 5 hours, except that my bottom hurt and I was hungry and thirsty.
And then I realized that Toby was missing because he was not in my pocket, and I didn’t want him to be missing because we weren’t in Father’s house or Mother’s house and there wasn’t anyone to feed him in the little station and he would die and he might get run over by a train. And then I looked up at the ceiling and I saw that there was a long black box which was a sign and it said:
And then the bottom line scrolled up and disappeared and a different line scrolled up into its place and the sign said:
And then it changed again and it said:
And then I heard the sound like sword fighting and the roaring of a train coming into the station and I worked out that there was a big computer somewhere and it knew where all the trains were and it sent messages to the black boxes in the little stations to say when the trains were coming, and that made me feel better because everything had an order and a plan. And the train came into the little station and it stopped and 5 people got onto the train and another person ran into the little station and got on, and 7 people got off the train and then the doors closed automatically and the train went away. And when the next train came I wasn’t so scared anymore because the sign said
so I knew it was going to happen.
And then I decided that I would look for Toby because there were only 3 people in the little station. So I stood up and I looked up and down the little station and in the doorways that went into tunnels but I couldn’t see him anywhere. And then I looked down into the black lower-down bit where the rails were.
And then I saw two mice and they were black because they were covered in dirt. And I liked that because I like mice and rats. But they weren’t Toby, so I carried on looking. And then I saw Toby, and he was also in the lower-down bit where the rails were, and I knew he was Toby because he was white and he had a brown egg shape on his back. So I climbed down off the concrete. And he was eating a bit of rubbish that was an old sweet paper. And someone shouted, “Jesus. What are you doing?”
And I bent down to catch Toby but he ran off. And I walked after him and I bent down again and I said, “Toby… Toby… Toby,” and I held out my hand so that he could smell my hand and smell that it was me.
And someone said, “Get out of there, for fuck’s sake,” and I looked up and it was a man who was wearing a green raincoat and he had black shoes and his socks were showing and they were gray with little diamond patterns on them.
And I said, “Toby… Toby…” but he ran off again.
And the man with the diamond patterns on his socks tried to grab my shoulder, so I screamed. And then I heard the sound like sword fighting and Toby started running again, but this time he ran the other way, which was past my feet, and I grabbed at him and I caught him by the tail. And the man with the diamond patterns on his socks said, “Oh Christ. Oh Christ.”
And then I heard the roaring and I lifted Toby up and grabbed him with both hands and he bit me on my thumb and there was blood coming out and I shouted and Toby tried to jump out of my hands.
And then the roaring got louder and I turned round and I saw the train coming out of the tunnel and I was going to be run over and killed so I tried to climb up onto the concrete but it was high and I was holding Toby in both my hands.
And then the man with the diamond patterns on his socks grabbed hold of me and pulled me and I screamed, but he kept pulling me and he pulled me up onto the concrete and we fell over and I carried on screaming because he had hurt my shoulder. And then the train came into the station and I stood up and I ran to the bench again and I put Toby into the pocket inside my jacket and he went very quiet and he didn’t move.
And the man with the diamond patterns on his socks was standing next to me and he said,
“What the fuck do you think you were playing at?”
But I didn’t say anything.
And he said, “What were you doing?”
And the doors of the train opened and people got off and there was a lady standing behind the man with the diamond patterns on his socks and she was carrying a guitar case like Siobhan has. And I said, “I was finding Toby. He’s my pet rat.”
And the man with the diamond patterns on his socks said, “Fucking Nora.”
And the lady with the guitar case said, “Is he OK?”
And the man with the diamond patterns on his socks said, “Him? Thanks a fucking bundle. Jesus Christ. A pet rat. Oh shit. My train.” And then he ran to the train and he banged on the door, which was closed, and the train started to go away and he said, “Fuck.”
And the lady said, “Are you OK?” and she touched my arm so I screamed again. And she said, “OK. OK. OK.”
And there was a sticker on her guitar case and it said:
And I was sitting on the ground and the woman knelt down on one knee and she said, “Is there anything I can do to help you?”
And if she was a teacher at school I could have said, “Where is 451c Chapter Road, Willesden, London NW2 5NG?” but she was a stranger, so I said, “Stand further away,” because I didn’t like her being so close. And I said, “I’ve got a Swiss Army knife and it has a saw blade and it could cut someone’s fingers off.”
And she said, “OK, buddy. I’m going to take that as a no,” and she stood up and walked away.
And the man with the diamond patterns on his socks said, “Mad as a fucking hatter. Jesus,”
and he was pressing a handkerchief against his face and there was blood on the handkerchief. And then another train came and the man with the diamond patterns on his socks and the lady with the guitar case got on and it went away again.
And then 8 more trains came and I decided that I would get onto a train and then I would work out what to do.
So I got on the next train.
And Toby tried to get out of my pocket so I took hold of him and I put him in my outside pocket and I held him with my hand.
And there were 11 people in the carriage and I didn’t like being in a room with 11 people in a tunnel, so I concentrated on things in the carriage. And there were signs saying There are 53,963 holiday cottages in Scandinavia and Germany and VITABIOTICS and 3435 and Penalty
£10 if you fail to show a valid ticket for your entire journey and Discover Gold, Then Bronze and TVIC and EPBIC and suck my cock and Ostructing the doors can be dangerous and BRV and Con. IC and TALK TO THE WORLD.
And there was a pattern on the walls which was like this:
And there was a pattern on the seats like this:
Then the train wobbled a lot and I had to hang on to a rail and we went into a tunnel and it was noisy and I closed my eyes and I could feel the blood pumping in the sides of my neck. And then we came out of the tunnel and went into another little station and it was called Warwick Avenue and it said it in big letters on the wall and I liked that because you knew where you were.
And I timed the distance between stations all the way to Willesden Junction and all the times between stations were multiples of 15 seconds like this:
0:00 Paddington
1:30 Warwick Avenue
3:15 Maida Vale
5:00 Kilburn Park
7:00 Queen’s Park
10:30 Kensal Green
11:45 Willesden Junction
And when the train stopped at Willesden Junction and the doors opened automatically I walked out of the train. And then the doors closed and the train went away. And everyone who got off the train walked up a staircase and over a bridge except me, and then there were only 2 people that I could see and one was a man and he was drunk and he had brown stains on his coat and his shoes were not a pair and he was singing but I couldn’t hear what he was singing, and the other was an Indian man in a shop which was a little window in a wall.
And I didn’t want to talk to either of them because I was tired and hungry and I had already talked to lots of strangers, which is dangerous, and the more you do something dangerous the more likely it is that something bad happens. But I didn’t know how to get to 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, so I had to ask somebody.
So I went up to the man in the little shop and I said, “Where is 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG?”
And he picked up a little book and handed it to me and said, “Two ninety-five.”
And the book was called LONDON AZ Street Atlas and Index, Geographers’ A-Z Map Company, and I opened it up and it was lots of maps.
And the man in the little shop said, “Are you going to buy it or not?”
And I said, “I don’t know.”
And he said, “Well, you can get your dirty fingers off it if you don’t mind,” and he took it back from me.
And I said, “Where is 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG?”
And he said, “You can either buy the A-to-Z or you can hop it. I’m not a walking encyclopedia.”
And I said, “Is that the A-to-Z?” and I pointed at the book.
And he said, “No, it’s a sodding crocodile.”
And I said, “Is that the A-to-Z?” because it wasn’t a crocodile and I thought I had heard wrong because of his accent.
And he said, “Yes, it’s the A-to-Z.”
And I said, “Can I buy it?”
And he didn’t say anything.
And I said, “Can I buy it?”
And he said, “Two pounds ninety-five, but you’re giving me the money first. I’m not having you scarpering,” and then I realized that he meant £2.95 when he said Two ninety-five. And I paid him with my money and he gave me change just like in the shop at home and I went and sat down on the floor against the wall like the man with the dirty clothes but a long way away from him and I opened up the book.
And inside the front cover there was a big map of London with places on it like Abbey Wood and Poplar and Acton and Stanmore. And it said KEY TO MAP PAGES . And the map was covered with a grid and each square of the grid had two numbers on it. And Willesden was in the square which said 42 and 43 . And I worked out that the numbers were the numbers of the pages where you could see a bigger-scale map of that square of London. And the whole book was a big map of London, but it had been chopped up so it could be made into a book, and I liked that. But Willesden Junction wasn’t on pages 42 and 43. And I found it on page 58, which was directly under page 42 on the KEY TO MAP PAGES and which joined up with page 42. And I looked round Willesden Junction in a spiral, like when I was looking for the train station in Swindon, but on the map with my finger.
And the man who had shoes that did not match stood in front of me and said, “Big cheese. Oh yes. The nurses. Never. Bloody liar. Total bloody liar.”
Then he went away.
And it took me a long time to find Chapter Road because it wasn’t on page 58. It was back on page 42, and it was in square 5C.
And this was the shape of the roads between Willesden Junction and Chapter Road.
And this was my route:
So I went up the staircase and over the bridge and I put my ticket in the little gray gate and went into the street and there was a bus and a big machine with a sign on it which said English Welsh and Scottish Railways, but it was yellow, and I looked around and it was dark and there were lots of bright lights and I hadn’t been outside for a long time and it made me feel sick. And I kept my eyelids very close together and I just looked at the shape of the roads and then I knew which roads were Station Approach and Oak Lane, which were the roads I had to go along. So I started walking, but Siobhan said I didn’t have to describe everything that happens, I just have to describe the things that were interesting.
So I got to 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, and it took me 27 minutes and there was no one in when I pressed the button that said Flat C and the only interesting thing that happened on the way was 8 men dressed up in Viking costumes with helmets with horns on and they were shouting, but they weren’t real Vikings because the Vikings lived nearly 2,000 years ago, and also I had to go for another wee and I went in the alleyway down the side of a garage called Burdett Motors, which was closed, and I didn’t like doing that but I didn’t want to wet myself again, and there was nothing else interesting.
So I decided to wait and I hoped that Mother was not on holiday because that would mean she could be away for more than a whole week, but I tried not to think about this because I couldn’t go back to Swindon.
So I sat down on the ground behind the dustbins in the little garden that was in front of 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, and it was under a big bush. And a lady came into the garden and she was carrying a little box with a metal grille on one end and a handle on the top like you use to take a cat to the vet, but I couldn’t see if there was a cat in it, and she had shoes with high heels and she didn’t see me.
And then it started to rain and I got wet and I started shivering because I was cold. And then it was 11:32 p.m. and I heard voices of people walking along the street. And a voice said, “I don’t care whether you thought it was funny or not,” and it was a lady’s voice.
And another voice said, “Judy, look. I’m sorry, OK,” and it was a man’s voice. And the other voice, which was the lady’s voice, said, “Well, perhaps you should have thought about that before you made me look like a complete idiot.”
And the lady’s voice was Mother’s voice.
And Mother came into the garden and Mr. Shears was with her, and the other voice was his. So I stood up and I said, “You weren’t in, so I waited for you.”
And Mother said, “Christopher.”
And Mr. Shears said, “What?”
And Mother put her arms around me and said, “Christopher, Christopher, Christopher.”
And I pushed her away because she was grabbing me and I didn’t like it, and I pushed really
hard and I fell over.
And Mr. Shears said, “What the hell is going on?”
And Mother said, “I’m so sorry, Christopher. I forgot.”
And I was lying on the ground and Mother held up her right hand and spread her fingers out in a fan so that I could touch her fingers, but then I saw that Toby had escaped out of my pockets so I had to catch him.
And Mr. Shears said, “I suppose this means Ed’s here.” And there was a wall around the garden so Toby couldn’t get out because he was stuck in the corner and he couldn’t climb up the walls fast enough and I grabbed him and put him back in my pocket and I said, “He’s hungry. Have you got any food I can give him, and some water?”
And Mother said, “Where’s your father, Christopher?”
And I said, “I think he’s in Swindon.”
And Mr. Shears said, “Thank God for that.”
And Mother said, “But how did you get here?”
And my teeth were clicking against each other because of the cold and I couldn’t stop them, and I said, “I came on the train. And it was really frightening. And I took Father’s cashpoint card so I could get money out and a policeman helped me. But then he wanted to take me back to Father. And he was on the train with me. But then he wasn’t.”
And Mother said, “Christopher, you’re soaking. Roger, don’t just stand there.”
And then she said, “Oh my God. Christopher. I didn’t… I didn’t think I’d ever… Why are you here on your own?”
And Mr. Shears said, “Are you going to come in or are you going to stay out here all night?”
And I said, “I’m going to live with you because Father killed Wellington with a garden fork and I’m frightened of him.”
And Mr. Shears said, “Jumping Jack Christ.”
And Mother said, “Roger, please. Come on, Christopher, let’s go inside and get you dried off.”
So I stood up and I went inside the house and Mother said, “You follow Roger,” and I followed Mr. Shears up the stairs and there was a landing and a door which said Flat C and I was scared of going inside because I didn’t know what was inside.
And Mother said, “Go on or you’ll catch your death,” but I didn’t know what you’ll catch your death meant, and I went inside.
And then she said, “I’ll run you a bath,” and I walked round the flat to make a map of it in my head so I felt safer, and the flat was like this:
And then Mother made me take my clothes off and get into the bath and she said I could use her towel, which was purple with green flowers on the end. And she gave Toby a saucer of water and some bran flakes and I let him run around the bathroom. And he did three little poos under the sink and I picked them up and flushed them down the toilet and then I got back into the bath again because it was warm and nice.
Then Mother came into the bathroom and she sat on the toilet and she said, “Are you OK, Christopher?”
And I said, “I’m very tired.”
And she said, “I know, love.” And then she said, “You’re very brave.”
And I said, “Yes.”
And she said, “You never wrote to me.”
And I said, “I know.”
And she said, “Why didn’t you write to me, Christopher? I wrote you all those letters. I kept thinking something dreadful had happened, or you’d moved away and I’d never find out where you were.”
And I said, “Father said you were dead.”
And she said, “What?”
And I said, “He said you went into hospital because you had something wrong with your heart. And then you had a heart attack and died and he kept all the letters in a shirt box in the cupboard in his bedroom and I found them because I was looking for a book I was writing about Wellington being killed and he’d taken it away from me and hidden it in the shirt box.”
And then Mother said, “Oh my God.”
And then she didn’t say anything for a long while. And then she made a loud wailing noise like an animal on a nature program on television.
And I didn’t like her doing this because it was a loud noise, and I said, “Why are you doing that?”
And she didn’t say anything for while, and then she said, “Oh, Christopher, I’m so sorry.”
And I said, “It’s not your fault.”
And then she said, “Bastard. The bastard.”
And then, after a while, she said, “Christopher, let me hold your hand. Just for once. Just for me. Will you? I won’t hold it hard,” and she held out her hand.
And I said, “I don’t like people holding my hand.”
And she took her hand back and she said, “No. OK. That’s OK.”
And then she said, “Let’s get you out of the bath and dried off, OK?”
And I got out of the bath and dried myself with the purple towel. But I didn’t have any pajamas so I put on a white T-shirt and a pair of yellow shorts which were Mother’s, but I didn’t mind because I was so tired. And while I was doing this Mother went into the kitchen and heated up some tomato soup because it was red.
And then I heard someone opening the door of the flat and there was a strange man’s voice outside, so I locked the bathroom door. And there was an argument outside and a man said, “I need to speak to him,” and Mother said, “He’s been through enough today already,” and the man said, “I know. But I still need to speak to him.”
And Mother knocked on the door and said a policeman wanted to talk to me and I had to open the door. And she said she wouldn’t let him take me away and she promised. So I picked Toby up and opened the door.
And there was a policeman outside the door and he said, “Are you Christopher Boone?”
And I said I was.
And he said, “Your father says you’ve run away. Is that right?”
And I said, “Yes.”
And he said, “Is this your mother?” and he pointed at Mother.
And I said, “Yes.”
And he said, “Why did you run away?”
And I said, “Because Father killed Wellington, who is a dog, and I was frightened of him.”
And he said, “So I’ve been told.” And then he said, “Do you want to go back to Swindon to your father or do you want to stay here?”
And I said, “I want to stay here.”
And he said, “And how do you feel about that?”
And I said, “I want to stay here.”
And the policeman said, “Hang on. I’m asking your mother.”
And Mother said, “He told Christopher I was dead.”
And the policeman said, “OK, let’s… let’s not get into an argument about who said what here. I just want to know whether–”
And Mother said, “Of course he can stay.”
And then the policeman said, “Well, I think that probably settles it as far as I’m concerned.”
And I said, “Are you going to take me back to Swindon?”
And he said, “No.”
And then I was happy because I could live with Mother.
And the policeman said, “If your husband turns up and causes any trouble, just give us a ring. Otherwise, you’re going to have to sort this out between yourselves.”
And then the policeman went away and I had my tomato soup and Mr. Shears stacked up some boxes in the spare room so he could put a blowup mattress on the floor for me to sleep on, and I went to sleep.
And then I woke up because there were people shouting in the flat and it was 2:31 a.m. And one of the people was Father and I was frightened. But there wasn’t a lock on the door of the spare room.
And Father shouted, “I’m talking to her whether you like it or not. And I am not going to be told what to do by you of all people.”
And Mother shouted, “Roger. Don’t. Just–”
And Mr. Shears shouted, “I’m not being spoken to like that in my own home.”
And Father shouted, “I’ll talk to you how I damn well like.”
And Mother shouted, “You have no right to be here.”
And Father shouted, “No right? No right? He’s my fucking son, in case you’ve forgotten.”
And Mother shouted, “What in God’s name did you think you were playing at, saying those things to him?”
And Father shouted, “What was I playing at? You were the one that bloody left.”
And Mother shouted, “So you decided to just wipe me out of his life altogether?”
And Mr. Shears shouted, “Now let’s us all just calm down here, shall we?”
And Father shouted, “Well, isn’t that what you wanted?”
And Mother shouted, “I wrote to him every week. Every week.”
And Father shouted, “Wrote to him? What the fuck use is writing to him?”
And Mr. Shears shouted, “Whoa, whoa, whoa.”
And Father shouted, “I cooked his meals. I cleaned his clothes. I looked after him every weekend. I looked after him when he was ill. I took him to the doctor. I worried myself sick every time he wandered off somewhere at night. I went to school every time he got into a fight. And you? What? You wrote him some fucking letters.”
And Mother shouted, “So you thought it was OK to tell him his mother was dead?”
And Mr. Shears shouted, “Now is not the time.”
And Father shouted, “You, butt out or I’ll–”
And Mother shouted, “Ed, for God’s sake–”
And Father said, “I’m going to see him. And if you try to stop me–”
And then Father came into my room. But I was holding my Swiss Army knife with the saw blade out in case he grabbed me. And Mother came into the room as well, and she said, “It’s OK, Christopher. I won’t let him do anything. You’re all right.”
And Father bent down on his knees near the bed and he said, “Christopher?”
But I didn’t say anything.
And he said, “Christopher, I’m really, really sorry. About everything. About Wellington. About the letters. About making you run away. I never meant… I promise I will never do anything like that again. Hey. Come on, kiddo.”
And then he held up his right hand and spread his fingers out in a fan so that I could touch his fingers, but I didn’t because I was frightened.
And Father said, “Shit. Christopher, please.”
And there were tears dripping off his face.
And no one said anything for a while.
And then Mother said, “I think you should go now,” but she was talking to Father, not me. And then the policeman came back because Mr. Shears had rung the police station and he told Father to calm down and he took him out of the flat.
And Mother said, “You go back to sleep now. Everything is going to be all right. I promise.”
And then I went back to sleep.
229. And when I was asleep I had one of my favorite dreams. Sometimes I have it during the day, but then it’s a daydream. But I often have it at night as well.
And in the dream nearly everyone on the earth is dead, because they have caught a virus. But it’s not like a normal virus. It’s like a computer virus. And people catch it because of the meaning of something an infected person says and the meaning of what they do with their faces when they say it, which means that people can also get it from watching an infected person on television, which means that it spreads around the world really quickly.
And when people get the virus they just sit on the sofa and do nothing and they don’t eat or drink and so they die. But sometimes I have different versions of the dream, like when you can see two versions of a film, the ordinary one and the director’s cut, like Blade Runner. And in some versions of the dream the virus makes them crash their cars or walk into the sea and drown, or jump into rivers, and I think that this version is better because then there aren’t bodies of dead people everywhere.
And eventually there is no one left in the world except people who don’t look at other people’s faces and who don’t know what these pictures mean
and these people are all special people like me. And they like being on their own and I hardly ever see them because they are like okapi in the jungle in the Congo, which are a kind of antelope and very shy and rare.
And I can go anywhere in the world and I know that no one is going to talk to me or touch me or ask me a question. But if I don’t want to go anywhere I don’t have to, and I can stay at home and eat broccoli and oranges and licorice laces all the time, or I can play computer games for a whole week, or I can just sit in the corner of the room and rub a £1 coin back and forward over the ripple shapes on the surface of the radiator. And I wouldn’t have to go to France. And I go out of Father’s house and I walk down the street, and it is very quiet even though it is the middle of the day and I can’t hear any noise except birds singing and wind and sometimes buildings falling down in the distance, and if I stand very close to traffic lights I can hear a little click as the colors change.
And I go into other people’s houses and play at being a detective and I can break the windows to get in because the people are dead and it doesn’t matter. And I go into shops and take things I want, like pink biscuits or PJ’s Raspberry and Mango Smoothie or computer games or books or videos.
And I take a ladder from Father’s van and I climb up onto the roof, and when I get to the edge of the roof I put the ladder across the gap and I climb to the next roof, because in a dream you are allowed to do anything.
And then I find someone’s car keys and I get into their car and I drive, and it doesn’t matter if I bump into things and I drive to the sea, and I park the car and I get out and there is rain pouring
down. And I take an ice cream from a shop and eat it. And then I walk down to the beach. And the beach is covered in sand and big rocks and there is a lighthouse on a point but the light is not on because the lighthouse keeper is dead.
And I stand in the surf and it comes up and over my shoes. And I don’t go swimming in case there are sharks. And I stand and look at the horizon and I take out my long metal ruler and I hold it up against the line between the sea and the sky and I demonstrate that the line is a curve and the earth is round. And the way the surf comes up and over my shoes and then goes down again is in a rhythm, like music or drumming.
And then I get some dry clothes from the house of a family who are dead. And I go home to Father’s house, except it’s not Father’s house anymore, it’s mine. And I make myself some Gobi Aloo Sag with red food coloring in it and some strawberry milk shake for a drink, and then I watch a video about the solar system and I play some computer games and I go to bed. And then the dream is finished and I am happy.
233. The next morning I had fried tomatoes for breakfast and a tin of green beans which Mother heated up in a saucepan.
In the middle of breakfast, Mr. Shears said, “OK. He can stay for a few days.”
And Mother said, “He can stay as long as he needs to stay.”
And Mr. Shears said, “This flat is hardly big enough for two people, let alone three.”
And Mother said, “He can understand what you’re saying, you know.”
And Mr. Shears said, “What’s he going to do? There’s no school for him to go to. We’ve both got jobs. It’s bloody ridiculous.”
And Mother said, “Roger. That’s enough.”
Then she made me some Red Zinger herbal tea with sugar in it but I didn’t like it, and she said, “You can stay for as long as you want to stay.”
And after Mr. Shears had gone to work she made a telephone call to the office and took what is called Compassionate Leave, which is when someone in your family dies or is ill. Then she said we had to go and buy some clothes for me to wear and some pajamas and a toothbrush and a flannel. So we went out of the flat and we walked to the main road, which was Hill Lane, which was the A4088, and it was really crowded and we caught a number 266 bus to Brent Cross Shopping Centre. Except there were too many people in John Lewis and I was frightened and I lay down on the floor next to the wristwatches and I screamed and Mother had to take me home in a taxi.
Then she had to go back to the shopping center to buy me some clothes and some pajamas and a toothbrush and a flannel, so I stayed in the spare room while she was gone because I didn’t want to be in the same room as Mr. Shears because I was frightened of him. And when Mother got home she brought me a glass of strawberry milk shake and showed me my new pajamas, and the pattern on them was 5-pointed blue stars on a purple background like this:
And I said, “I have to go back to Swindon.”
And Mother said, “Christopher, you’ve only just got here.”
And I said, “I have to go back because I have to sit my maths A level.”
And Mother said, “You’re doing maths A level?”
And I said, “Yes. I’m taking it on Wednesday and Thursday and Friday next week.”
And Mother said, “God.”
And I said, “The Reverend Peters is going to be the invigilator.”
And Mother said, “I mean, that’s really good.”
And I said, “I’m going to get an A grade. And that’s why I have to go back to Swindon. Except I don’t want to see Father. So I have to go to Swindon with you.”
Then Mother put her hands over her face and breathed out hard, and she said, “I don’t know whether that’s going to be possible.”
And I said, “But I have to go.”
And Mother said, “Let’s talk about this some other time, OK?”
And I said, “OK. But I have to go to Swindon.”
And she said, “Christopher, please.”
And I drank some of my milk shake.
And later on, at 10:51 p.m. I went out onto the balcony to find out whether I could see any stars, but there weren’t any because of all the clouds and what is called light pollution, which is light from streetlights and car headlights and floodlights and lights in buildings reflecting off tiny particles in the atmosphere and getting in the way of light from the stars. So I went back inside. But I couldn’t sleep. And I got out of bed at 2:07 a.m. and I felt scared of Mr. Shears so I went downstairs and out of the front door into Chapter Road. And there was no one in the street and it was quieter than it was during the day, even though you could hear traffic in the distance and sirens, so it made me feel calmer. And I walked down Chapter Road and looked at all the cars and the patterns the phone wires made against the orange clouds and the things that people had in their front gardens, like a gnome and a cooker and a tiny pond and a teddy bear. Then I heard two people coming along the road, so I crouched down between the end of a skip and a Ford Transit van, and they were talking in a language that wasn’t English, but they didn’t see me. And there were two tiny brass cogs in the dirty water in the gutter by my feet, like cogs from a windup watch.
And I liked it between the skip and the Ford Transit van so I stayed there for a long time. And I looked out at the street. And the only colors you could see were orange and black and mixtures of orange and black. And you couldn’t tell what colors the cars would be during the day. And I wondered whether you could tessellate crosses, and I worked out that you could by imagining this picture in my head:
And then I heard Mother’s voice and she was shouting, “Christopher…? Christopher…?” and she was running down the road, so I came out from between the skip and the Ford Transit van and she ran up to me and said, “Jesus Christ,” and she stood in front of me and pointed her finger at my face and said, “If you ever do that again, I swear to God, Christopher, I love you, but… I don’t know what I’ll do.”
So she made me promise never to leave the flat on my own because it was dangerous and because you couldn’t trust people in London because they were strangers. And the next day she had to go to the shops again and she made me promise not to answer the door if anyone rang the bell. And when she came back she brought some food pellets for Toby and three Star Trek videos and I watched them in the living room until Mr. Shears came home and then I went into the spare room again. And I wished that 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, had a garden but it didn’t. And the day after that the office where Mother worked rang and told her she couldn’t come back to work because they had got someone else to do her job for her, and she was really angry and she said that it was illegal and she was going to complain, but Mr. Shears said, “Don’t be a bloody fool. It was a temporary job, for Christ’s sake.”
And when Mother came into the spare room before I went to sleep I said, “I have to go to Swindon to take my A level.”
And she said, “Christopher, not now. I’m getting phone calls from your father threatening to take me to court. I’m getting it in the neck from Roger. It’s not a good time.”
And I said, “But I have to go because it’s been arranged and the Reverend Peters is going to invigilate.”
And she said, “Look. It’s only an exam. I can ring the school. We can get it postponed. You can take it some other time.”
And I said, “I can’t take it another time. It’s been arranged. And I’ve done lots of revision. And Mrs. Gascoyne said we could use a room at school.”
And Mother said, “Christopher, I am just about holding this together. But I am this close to losing it, all right? So just give me some–”
Then she stopped talking and she put her hand over her mouth and she stood up and went out of the room. And I started feeling a pain in my chest like I did on the underground because I thought I wasn’t going to be able to go back to Swindon and take my A level. And the next morning I looked out of the window in the dining room to count the cars in the street to see whether it was going to be a Quite Good Day or a Good Day or a Super Good Day or a Black Day, but it wasn’t like being on the bus to school because you could look out of the window for as long as you wanted and see as many cars as you wanted, and I looked out of the window for three hours and I saw 5 red cars in a row and 4 yellow cars in a row, which meant it was both a Good Day and a Black Day , so the system didn’t work anymore. But if I concentrated on counting the cars it stopped me from thinking about my A level and the pain in my chest. And in the afternoon Mother took me to Hampstead Heath in a taxi and we sat on the top of a hill and looked at the planes coming into Heathrow Airport in the distance. And I had a red ice lolly from an ice cream van. And Mother said she had rung Mrs. Gascoyne and told her that I was going to take my maths A level next year, so I threw my red ice lolly away and I screamed for a long time and the pain in my chest hurt so much that it was hard to breathe and a man came up and asked if I was OK and Mother said, “Well, what does it look like to you?” and he went away. And then I was tired from screaming and Mother took me back to the flat in another taxi and the next morning was Saturday and she told Mr. Shears to go out and get me some books about science and maths from the library, and they were called 100 Number Puzzles and The Origins of the Universe and Nuclear Power , but they were for children and they were not very good so I didn’t read them, and Mr. Shears said, “Well, it’s nice to know my contribution is appreciated.”
And I hadn’t eaten anything since I threw away the red ice lolly on Hampstead Heath, so Mother made me a chart with stars on it like when I was very small and she filled a measuring jug with Complan and strawberry flavoring and I got a bronze star for drinking 200 ml and a silver star for drinking 400 ml and a gold star for drinking 600 ml.
And when Mother and Mr. Shears argued I took the little radio from the kitchen and I went and sat in the spare room and I tuned it halfway between two stations so that all I could hear was white noise and I turned the volume up really loud and I held it against my ear and the sound filled my head and it hurt so that I couldn’t feel any other sort of hurt, like the hurt in my chest, and I couldn’t hear Mother and Mr. Shears arguing and I couldn’t think about not doing my A level or the fact that there wasn’t a garden at 451c Chapter Road, London NW2 5NG, or the fact that I couldn’t see the stars.
And then it was Monday. And it was very late at night and Mr. Shears came into my room and woke me up and he had been drinking beer because he smelled like Father did when he had been drinking beer with Rhodri. And he said, “You think you’re so fucking clever, don’t you? Don’t you ever, ever think about other people for one second, eh? Well, I bet you’re really pleased with yourself now, aren’t you?”
And then Mother came in and pulled him out of the room and said, “Christopher, I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”
The next morning, after Mr. Shears had gone to work, Mother packed lots of her clothes into two suitcases and told me to come downstairs and bring Toby and get into the car. And she put the suitcases into the boot and we drove off. But it was Mr. Shears’s car and I said, “Are you stealing the car?”
And she said, “I’m just borrowing it.”
And I said, “Where are we going?”
And she said, “We’re going home.”
And I said, “Do you mean home in Swindon?”
And she said, “Yes.”
And I said, “Is Father going to be there?”
And she said, “Please, Christopher. Don’t give me any hassle right now, OK?”
And I said, “I don’t want to be with Father.”
And she said, “Just… Just… It’s going to be all right, Christopher, OK? It’s going to be all right.”
And I said, “Are we going back to Swindon so I can do my maths A level?”
And Mother said, “What?”
And I said, “I’m meant to be doing my maths A level tomorrow.”
And Mother spoke very slowly and she said, “We are going back to Swindon because if we stay in London any longer… someone was going to get hurt. And I don’t necessarily mean you.”
And I said, “What do you mean?”
And she said, “Now I need you to be quiet for a while.”
And I said, “How long do you want me to be quiet for?”
And she said, “Jesus.” And then she said, “Half an hour, Christopher. I need you to be quiet for half an hour.”
And we drove all the way to Swindon and it took 3 hours 12 minutes and we had to stop for petrol and Mother bought me a Milkybar but I didn’t eat it. And we got caught in a long traffic jam which was caused by people slowing down to look at an accident on the other carriageway. And I tried to work out a formula to determine whether a traffic jam would be caused just by people slowing down and how this was influenced by (a) the density of traffic, and (b) the speed of the traffic, and (c) how quickly drivers braked when they saw the brake of the lights of the car in front coming on. But I was too tired because I hadn’t slept the night before because I was thinking about not being able to do my maths A level. So I fell asleep.
And when we got to Swindon Mother had keys to the house and we went in and she said,
“Hello?” but there was no one there because it was 1:23 p.m. And I was frightened but Mother said I would be safe, so I went up to my room and closed the door. I took Toby out of my pocket and I let him run around and I played Minesweeper and I did the Expert Version in 174 seconds, which was 75 seconds longer than my best time.
And then it was 6:35 p.m. and I heard Father come home in his van and I moved the bed up against the door so he couldn’t get in and he came into the house and he and Mother shouted at each other.
And Father shouted, “How the fuck did you get in here?” And Mother shouted, “This is my house, too, in case you’ve forgotten.”
And Father shouted, “Is your fucking fancy man here as well?”
And then I picked up the bongo drums that Uncle Terry had bought me and I knelt down in
the corner of the room and I pressed my head into the join between the two walls and I banged the drums and I groaned and I carried on doing this for an hour and then Mother came into the room and said Father had gone. And she said Father had gone to stay with Rhodri for a while and we would get a place to live of our own in the next few weeks.
Then I went into the garden and I found Toby’s cage behind the shed and I brought it inside and I cleaned it and put Toby back in it.
And I asked Mother if I could do my maths A level the next day.
And she said, “I’m sorry, Christopher.”
And I said, “Can I do my maths A level?”
And she said, “You’re not listening to me, are you, Christopher?”
And I said, “I’m listening to you.”
And Mother said, “I told you. I rang your headmistress. I told her you were in London. I told her you’d do it next year.”
And I said, “But I’m here now and I can take it.”
And Mother said, “I’m sorry, Christopher. I was trying to do things properly. I was trying not to mess things up.”
And my chest began hurting again and I folded my arms and I rocked backward and forward and groaned.
And Mother said, “I didn’t know we’d be coming back.”
But I carried on groaning and rocking backward and forward.
And Mother said, “Come on. This isn’t going to solve anything.”
Then she asked if I wanted to watch one of my Blue Planet videos, about life under the Arctic ice or the migration of humpback whales, but I didn’t say anything because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to do my maths A level and it was like pressing your thumbnail against a radiator when it’s really hot and the pain starts and it makes you want to cry and the pain keeps hurting even when you take your thumb away from the radiator.
Then Mother made me some carrots and broccoli and ketchup, but I didn’t eat them. And I didn’t sleep that night either.
The next day Mother drove me to school in Mr. Shears’s car because we missed the bus. And when we were getting into the car, Mrs. Shears came across the road and said to Mother, “You’ve got a fucking nerve.”
And Mother said, “Get into the car, Christopher.”
But I couldn’t get into the car because the door was locked.
And Mrs. Shears said, “So, has he finally dumped you, too?”
Then Mother opened her door and got into the car and unlocked my door and I got in and we drove away.
And when we got to school Siobhan said, “So you’re Christopher’s mother.” And Siobhan said that she was glad to see me again and she asked if I was OK and I said I was tired. And Mother explained that I was upset because I couldn’t do my maths A level so I hadn’t been eating properly or sleeping properly.
And then, Mother went away and I drew a picture of a bus using perspective so that I didn’t think about the pain in my chest and it looked like this:
And after lunch Siobhan said that she had spoken to Mrs. Gascoyne and she still had my A-level papers in 3 sealed envelopes in her desk.
So I asked if I could still do my A level. And Siobhan said, “I think so. We’re going to ring the Reverend Peters this afternoon to make sure he can still come in and be your invigilator. And Mrs. Gascoyne is going to write a letter to the examination board to say that you’re going to take the exam after all. And hopefully they’ll say that that’s OK. But we can’t know that for sure.” Then she stopped talking for a few seconds. “I thought I should tell you now. So you could think about it.”
And I said, “So I could think about what?”
And she said, “Is this what you want to do, Christopher?”
And I thought about the question and I wasn’t sure what the answer was because I wanted to do my maths A level but I was very tired and when I tried to think about maths my brain didn’t work properly and when I tried to remember certain facts, like the logarithmic formula for the approximate number of prime numbers not greater than x , I couldn’t remember them and this made me frightened.
And Siobhan said, “You don’t have to do it, Christopher. If you say you don’t want to do it no one is going to be angry with you. And it won’t be wrong or illegal or stupid. It will just be what you want and that will be fine.”
And I said, “I want to do it,” because I don’t like it when I put things in my timetable and I have to take them out again, because when I do that it makes me feel sick. And Siobhan said, “OK.”
And she rang the Reverend Peters and he came into school at 3:27 p.m. and he said, “So, young man, are we ready to roll?”
And I did Paper 1 of my maths A level sitting in the Art Room. And the Reverend Peters was the invigilator and he sat at a desk while I did the exam and he read a book called The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer and ate a sandwich. And in the middle of the exam he went and smoked a cigarette outside the window, but he watched me through the window in case I cheated.
And when I opened the paper and read through it I couldn’t think how to answer any of the questions and also I couldn’t breathe properly. And I wanted to hit somebody or stab them with my Swiss Army knife, but there wasn’t anyone to hit or stab with my Swiss Army knife except the Reverend Peters and he was very tall and if I hit him or stabbed him with my Swiss Army knife he wouldn’t be my invigilator for the rest of the exam. So I took deep breaths like Siobhan said I should do when I want to hit someone in school and I counted 50 breaths and did cubes of the cardinal numbers as I counted, like this:
1, 8, 27, 64, 125, 216, 343, 512, 729, 1000, 1331, 1728, 2197, 2744, 3375, 4096, 4913… etc.
And that made me feel a little calmer. But the exam was 2 hours long and 20 minutes had already gone so I had to work really fast and I didn’t have time to check my answers properly. And that night, just after I got home, Father came back to the house and I screamed but Mother said she wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me and I went into the garden and lay down and looked at the stars in the sky and made myself negligible. And when Father came out of the house he looked at me for a long time and then he punched the fence and made a hole in it and went away.
And I slept a little bit that night because I was doing my maths A level. And I had some spinach soup for supper.
And the next day I did Paper 2 and the Reverend Peters read The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, but this time he didn’t smoke a cigarette and Siobhan made me go into the toilets before the exam and sit on my own and do breathing and counting. And I was playing The 11th Hour on my computer that evening when a taxi stopped outside the house. Mr. Shears was in the taxi and he got out of the taxi and threw a big cardboard box of things belonging to Mother onto the lawn. And they were a hair dryer and some knickers and some L’Oréal shampoo and a box of muesli and two books, DIANA: Her True Story by Andrew Morton and Rivals by Jilly Cooper, and a photograph of me in a silver frame. And the glass in the photograph frame broke when it fell onto the grass.
Then he got some keys out of his pocket and got into his car and drove away and Mother ran out of the house and she ran into the street and shouted, “Don’t fucking bother coming back, either!” And she threw the box of muesli and it hit the boot of his car as he drove away and Mrs. Shears was looking out of her window when Mother did this.
The next day I did Paper 3 and the Reverend Peters read the Daily Mail and smoked three cigarettes.
And this was my favorite question:
Prove the following result:
A triangle with sides that can be written in the form n^2 + 1, n^2 – 1 and 2n (where n > 1) is right-angled.
Show, by means of a counterexample, that the converse is false.
And I was going to write out how I answered the question except Siobhan said it wasn’t very interesting, but I said it was. And she said people wouldn’t want to read the answers to a maths question in a book, and she said I could put the answer in an Appendix, which is an extra chapter at the end of a book which people can read if they want to. And that is what I have done. And then my chest didn’t hurt so much and it was easier to breathe. But I still felt sick because I didn’t know if I’d done well in the exam and because I didn’t know if the examination board would allow my exam paper to be considered after Mrs. Gascoyne had told them I wasn’t going to take it.
And it’s best if you know a good thing is going to happen, like an eclipse or getting a microscope for Christmas. And it’s bad if you know a bad thing is going to happen, like having a filling or going to France. But I think it is worst if you don’t know whether it is a good thing or a bad thing which is going to happen.
And Father came round to the house that night and I was sitting on the sofa watching University Challenge and just answering the science questions. And he stood in the doorway of the living room and he said, “Don’t scream, OK, Christopher? I’m not going to hurt you.”
And Mother was standing behind him so I didn’t scream.
Then he came a bit closer to me and he crouched down like you do with dogs to show that you are not an Aggressor and he said, “I wanted to ask you how the exam went.”
But I didn’t say anything.
And Mother said, “Tell him, Christopher.”
But I still didn’t say anything.
And Mother said, “Please, Christopher.”
So I said, “I don’t know if I got all the questions right because I was really tired and I hadn’t eaten any food so I couldn’t think properly.”
And then Father nodded and he didn’t say anything for a short while. Then he said “Thank you.”
And I said, “What for?”
And he said, “Just… thank you.” Then he said, “I’m very proud of you, Christopher. Very proud. I’m sure you did really well.”
And then he went away and I watched the rest of University Challenge. And the next week Father told Mother she had to move out of the house, but she couldn’t because she didn’t have any money to pay rent for a flat. And I asked if Father would be arrested and go to prison for killing Wellington because we could live in the house if he was in prison. But Mother said the police would only arrest Father if Mrs. Shears did what is called pressing charges,
which is telling the police you want them to arrest someone for a crime, because the police don’t arrest people for little crimes unless you ask them and Mother said that killing a dog was only a little crime.
But then everything was OK because Mother got a job on the till in a garden center and the doctor gave her pills to take every morning to stop her from feeling sad, except that sometimes they made her dizzy and she fell over if she stood up too fast. So we moved into a room in a big house that was made of red bricks. And the bed was in the same room as the kitchen and I didn’t like it because it was small and the corridor was painted brown and there was a toilet and a bathroom that other people used and Mother had to clean it before I used it or I wouldn’t use it and sometimes I wet myself because other people were in the bathroom. And the corridor outside the room smelled like gravy and the bleach they use to clean the toilets at school. And inside the room it smelled like socks and pine air freshener.
And I didn’t like waiting to find out about my maths A level. And whenever I thought about the future I couldn’t see anything clearly in my head and that made a panic start. So Siobhan said I shouldn’t think about the future. She said, “Just think about today. Think about things that have happened. Especially about good things that have happened.”
And one of the good things was that Mother bought me a wooden puzzle which looked like this:
And you had to detach the top part of the puzzle from the bottom part, and it was really difficult.
And another good thing was that I helped Mother paint her room White with a Hint of Wheat, except I got paint in my hair and she wanted to wash it out by rubbing shampoo on my head when I was in the bath, but I wouldn’t let her, so there was paint in my hair for 5 days and then I cut it out with a pair of scissors.
But there were more bad things than good things.
And one of them was that Mother didn’t get back from work till 5:30 p.m. so I had to go to Father’s house between 3:49 p.m. and 5:30 p.m., because I wasn’t allowed to be on my own and Mother said I didn’t have a choice, so I pushed the bed against the door in case Father tried to come in. And sometimes he tried to talk to me through the door, but I didn’t answer him. And sometimes I heard him sitting on the floor outside the door quietly for a long time. And another bad thing was that Toby died because he was 2 years and 7 months old, which is very old for a rat, and I said I wanted to bury him, but Mother didn’t have a garden, so I buried him in a big plastic pot of earth like a pot you put a plant in. And I said I wanted another rat but Mother said I couldn’t have one because the room was too small.
And I solved the puzzle because I worked out that there were two bolts inside the puzzle and they were tunnels with metal rods in them like this:
And you had to hold the puzzle so that both rods slid to the end of their tunnels and they weren’t crossing the intersection between the two pieces of the puzzle and then you could pull them apart.
And Mother picked me up from Father’s house one day after she had finished work and Father said, “Christopher, can I have a talk with you?”
And I said, “No.”
And Mother said, “It’s OK. I’ll be here.”
And I said, “I don’t want to talk to Father.”
And Father said, “I’ll do you a deal.” And he was holding the kitchen timer, which is a big plastic tomato sliced through the middle, and he twisted it and it started ticking. And he said, “Five minutes, OK? That’s all. Then you can go.”
So I sat on the sofa and he sat on the armchair and Mother was in the hallway and Father said,
“Christopher, look… Things can’t go on like this. I don’t know about you, but this… this just hurts too much. You being in the house but refusing to talk to me… You have to learn to trust me… And I don’t care how long it takes… If it’s a minute one day and two minutes the next and three minutes the next and it takes years I don’t care. Because this is important. This is more important than anything else.”
And then he tore a little strip of skin away from the side of the thumbnail on his left hand. And then he said, “Let’s call it… let’s call it a project. A project we have to do together. You have to spend more time with me. And I… I have to show you that you can trust me. And it will be difficult at first because… because it’s a difficult project. But it will get better. I promise.”
Then he rubbed the sides of his forehead with his fingertips, and he said, “You don’t have to say anything, not right now. You just have to think about it. And, um… I’ve got you a present. To show you that I really mean what I say. And to say sorry. And because… well, you’ll see what I mean.”
Then he got out of the armchair and he walked over to the kitchen door and opened it and there was a big cardboard box on the floor and there was a blanket in it and he bent down and put his hands inside the box and he took a little sandy-colored dog out.
Then he came back through and gave me the dog. And he said, “He’s two months old. And he’s a golden retriever.”
And the dog sat in my lap and I stroked it.
And no one said anything for a while.
Then Father said, “Christopher, I would never, ever do anything to hurt you.”
Then no one said anything.
Then Mother came into the room and said, “You won’t be able to take him away with you, I’m afraid. The bed-sit’s too small. But your father’s going to look after him here. And you can come and take him out for walks whenever you want.”
And I said, “Does he have a name?”
And Father said, “No. You can decide what to call him.”
And the dog chewed my finger.
And then it was 5 minutes and the tomato alarm went. So Mother and I drove back to her room.
And the next week there was a lightning storm and the lightning hit a big tree in the park near
Father’s house and knocked it down and men came and cut the branches up with chain saws and carried the logs away on a lorry, and all that was left was a big black pointed stump made of carbonized wood.
And I got the results of my maths A level and I got an A grade, which is the best result, and it made me feel like this:
And I called the dog Sandy. And Father bought him a collar and a lead and I was allowed to take him for walks to the shop and back. And I played with him with a rubber bone. And Mother got flu and I had to spend three days with Father and stay in his house. But it was OK because Sandy slept on my bed so he would bark if anyone came into the room during the night. And Father made a vegetable patch in the garden and I helped him. And we planted carrots and peas and spinach and I’m going to pick them and eat them when they’re ready. And I went to a bookshop with Mother and I bought a book called Further Maths for A Level and Father told Mrs. Gascoyne that I was going to take A-level further maths next year and she said
“OK.”
And I am going to pass it and get an A grade. And in two years’ time I am going to take A-level physics and get an A grade.
And then, when I’ve done that, I am going to go to university in another town. And it doesn’t have to be in London because I don’t like London and there are universities in lots of places and not all of them are in big cities. And I can live in a flat with a garden and a proper toilet. And I can take Sandy and my books and my computer.
And then I will get a First Class Honors degree and I will become a scientist. And I know I can do this because I went to London on my own, and because I solved the mystery of Who Killed Wellington? and I found my mother and I was brave and I wrote a book and that means I can do anything.
Appendix
Question
Prove the following result:
A triangle with sides that can be written in the form n^2 + 1, n^2 – 1 and 2n (where n > 1) is right-angled.
Show, by means of a counterexample, that the converse is false.
Answer
First we must determine which is the longest side of a triangle with sides that can be written in the form n^2 + 1, n^2 – 1 and 2n (where n > 1)
n^2 + 1 – 2n = (n – 1)^2
and if n > 1 then (n – 1)^2 > 0
therefore n^2 + 1 – 2n > 0
therefore n^2 + 1 > 2n
Similarly (n^2 + 1) – (n^2 – 1) = 2
therefore n^2 + 1 > n^2 – 1
This means that n^2 + 1 is the longest side of a triangle with sides that can be written in the form n^2 + 1, n^2 – 1 and 2n (where n > 1).
This can also be shown by means of the following graph (but this doesn’t prove anything):
According to Pythagoras’s theorem, if the sum of the squares of the two shorter sides equals the square of the hypotenuse, then the triangle is right-angled. Therefore to prove that the triangle is right-angled we need to show that this is the case.
The sum of the squares of the shorter two sides is (n^2 – 1)^2 + (2n)^2
(n^2 – 1)^2 + (2n)^2 = n^4 – 2n^2 + 1 + 4n^2 = n^4 + 2n^2 + 1
The square of the hypotenuse is (n^2 + 1)^2
(n^2 + 1)^2 = n^4 + 2n^2 + 1
Therefore the sum of the squares of the shorter two sides is equal to the square of the hypotenuse and the triangle is right-angled.
And the converse of “A triangle with sides that can be written in the form n^2 + 1, n^2 – 1 and 2n (where n > 1) is right-angled” is “A triangle that is right-angled has sides whose lengths can be written in the form n^2 + 1, n^2 – 1 and 2n (where n > 1).”
And a counterexample means finding a triangle which is right-angled but whose sides cannot be written in the form n^2 + 1, n^2 – 1 and 2n (where n > 1).
So let the hypotenuse of the right-angled triangle ABC be AB . and let AB = 65
and let BC = 60
Then CA = √ (AB2 – BC2 ) = √ (652 – 602) = √ (4225 – 3600) = √ 625 = 25 Let AB = n^2 + 1 = 65
then n = √ (65 – 1) = √ 64 = 8
therefore (n^2 – 1) = 64 – 1 = 63 ≠ BC = 60 ≠ CA = 25 and 2n = 16 ≠ BC = 60 ≠ CA = 25
Therefore the triangle ABC is right-angled but it does not have sides which can be written in the form n^2 + 1, n^2 – 1 and 2n (where n > 1 ).
QED