I dropped Dustin off at his father’s house. The plane would not be leaving until five o’clock. Toni had no idea that she was going. We had made previous plans to go to a psychic fair that next morning. I stuck to the agenda, wanting to make her last day at home a good one to remember. At the fair, I accompanied Toni into the make-shift tent while she had her psychic reading.

The reader studied each of the tarot cards as she slowly turned them over. She spent time with each one, going back to the first card each time. Finally, she raised her head and looked at Toni.

“Fire . . .” she said. “I see fire around you.”

After a silent, creepy evaluation of Toni, she continued. “It’s the kind of fire from an explosion—like a plane crashing or something. Are you planning a trip in the near future where you may be taking a plane?” the physic asked.

“No,” Toni answered, unaware that she would be on a plane in less than six hours.

We came home and I put our bags in the car without her noticing. As I was walking to the bedroom, I passed by the door that led to the backyard and saw a huge white owl perched on the pool ladder.

“Toni, look at this—quick!”

She ran from the living room and joined me at the window. “Wow, where did that come from, Mom? I thought owls only came out at night,” Toni said, not able to take her attention from the extraordinary sight.

“They do.”

“What’s it doing here?”

“Darned if I know.”

It was about two and a half feet tall and at least half of that wide. It was immense and completely white. I had never seen anything like it before.

“Mom, don’t owls mean someone’s going to die?”

“Well, that’s what they say, if you choose to believe it,” I answered, feeling uneasy. I wanted to shrug it off, but the reality was right in front of me. I couldn’t ignore it.

“What’s it doing out in the middle of the afternoon?”

“I don’t know, Toni.”

A fluttering in the pit of my stomach persisted. I didn’t like the idea of flying after what the psychic had said, and now this. This was too weird. But I wasn’t about to let superstitions run my life. We had to leave, and I wouldn’t allow myself to find irrational reasons to back out. The phone rang, and I left Toni at the window, watching the owl in awe.

“So what’s the deal?”

“I’m leaving for the airport in about an hour, Dennis,” I answered, trying to keep my voice to a whisper.

“Does she know yet?”

“No, I’ll tell her on the way.”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’ll get through it. I just hope she doesn’t try to run away when she realizes where she’s going.”

“Call if you need me,” he said. “I don’t have to leave for Florida until Wednesday. Will you be back before then?”

“I don’t know. I have no idea what it’s going to be like until I get there. I want to hang around and check it out for myself. I’m not sure how long it will take for me to feel comfortable with it.”

“Do you have a number?”

“No. From what I understand, they barely even have electricity. I’ll try to call in at least once a day for my messages. Just call my service if you need to get in touch with me. I can be beeped.”

“I think you’d better call me tonight, if you can. This place doesn’t seem too . . . I don’t know; it just sounds strange,” he said.

“I’ll try. Dennis, as soon as I get back I’ll have to sell some stock. I need $10,000 within two weeks.”

“Don’t sell the stock. I’ll lend you the money.”

“What if the stock takes a dive and I can’t pay you back? No, I’m selling the stock.”

“It’s not gonna take a dive. Will you stop worrying!”

“Dennis, I’m selling the stock,” I insisted.

“Let’s not talk about it now. We’ll talk about it when I get back from Florida.”

The plane landed in Spokane, Washington, where we proceeded to rent a car. The journey was far from over. We still had a three-hour drive ahead of us, not counting the time we spent getting lost. We drove through Idaho into Montana. It was not quite dark yet, and we enjoyed the beautiful landscape until night descended upon us. Misty clouds hung low over the expansive land. Lovely old farmhouses sprinkled the countryside. We hurried past, trying to make up for lost time.

The farther we traveled, the deeper into the backwoods we got. Soon, no more farmhouses were visible. Darkness fell, and miles now spanned between us and civilization.

“I don’t think you’re going to run away from here, do you, Toni?” I said as we drove through the heavily wooded terrain. “There’s nowhere to run for miles.”

“I don’t think so,” she answered, looking out the window into the endless black forest.

“Toni, you need to understand something. This is not a form of punishment. I’m trying to help you. You can’t seem to help yourself, or you don’t want to.”

“This isn’t going to help. You’re just wasting your money,” she said, still staring blankly out the window.

“I’ll take that chance,” I responded. “Don’t you want help with this problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” she answered. “I don’t know what you’re making such a big deal about.”

“You don’t think you have a problem? What do you call almost burning yourself to death?”

“I just took some downers so I could sleep, that’s all.”

“Toni, what are you running from that you find yourself unable to sleep? Something’s bothering you. Why can’t you tell me what it is?”

She looked as though she wanted to talk, but had second thoughts. She turned her face to the window and stared out into the dense forest. Toni had an old soul. She carried a heaviness in her heart, too heavy for such a young person. My heart was heavy too, wanting to reach out to her, but not knowing how.

A faint light glowed in the distance as we tentatively approached the trailer that served as the office. The trailer door swung open, revealing the silhouetted figure of a man. He held the door and stepped aside. He didn’t look at all like the mountain man I expected to see, but more like a college professor. Too thin for his height, he stood tall and straight, wearing horn-rimmed glasses and a stern demeanor. But a gentle glint in his eyes told me that a soft, caring side of the man existed.

“Hi, Toni, my name is Steve Cawdry. I’m the headmaster here. You’re safe,” he said as he hugged her. “Go into the bathroom and wash that makeup off your face,” he added firmly.

While Toni was in the bathroom, Steve introduced me to another man who appeared to be in his late twenties. After saying hello, he proceeded to go through Toni’s luggage. He pulled out a few articles and stuffed them into a duffel bag. When Toni returned, her already large eyes grew twice the size.

“Kiss your mom good-bye,” the headmaster instructed.

“Wait a minute. Can’t she stay the night and leave in the morning?” I asked, beginning to feel panicky.

“No, she must leave tonight,” Mr. Cawdry answered with authority.

Toni hugged me, fighting back tears, and followed the young man out the door. I watched as they disappeared into the blackness.

“I love you, Toni!” I shouted after her into the still night. Silence and the sound of crickets were the only replies.

I turned to Mr. Cawdry with uncertainty. Had I just led my young to the slaughter? He placed a gentle hand on my shoulder and asked me to sit down.

“What are your concerns, Miss Durante?” he asked softly.

“Did you see what my daughter looks like?”

“Yes, I saw a very mature-looking little girl.”

“That’s right, and she’s going out in the wilderness with that young man—alone!”

“Let me tell you something, Miss Durante. We have over three hundred applicants per year seeking this position. Do you know how many we hire? Two. We check them out back to their grandmother’s underwear. I can assure you your daughter is safe.”

“I’m sorry if I can’t share your confidence. I’m just not comfortable with this. Why couldn’t she leave in the morning?”

“We have our way of doing things here. That’s what makes our success rate so high. There will be many things that will concern you about the way we run this program, but it works. That’s what’s important. We must have full rein with our decisions. Toni needs to stay separated from the rest of the school until she comes back from her twenty-one days with her group, which will be forming eight days from now. What she is doing right now is what we call a solo.”

“What is the principle behind not giving them food for three weeks? Or, as I see it, in Toni’s case, four weeks?”

“That’s not altogether true. They have to learn to rely on themselves for survival. When they get hungry enough, they’ll find ways to eat. They can spear a fish or trap a rabbit. But they have nothing with them for preparing a meal—no matches to start a fire, that kind of thing.”

“How do they cook what they catch?”

“They have to use flint and rub two sticks together. If they aren’t lucky enough to catch an animal, they end up eating ants, or lizards, or whatever they can find. They have none of the comforts of home. They use leaves for toilet paper. We have them hike uphill ten miles a day. At the end of the day when they are tired and vulnerable, they sit around the campfire and the therapists start pushing their buttons. It’s amazing what they spill out after a grueling day in the woods. They have no sleeping bags, only a tarp to put on the ground.”

“What if it rains?”

“Then it rains on them.”

“What if they get sick, or break a leg?”

“The therapists are never out of radio contact. We have a rescue team in town with a helicopter for emergencies.”

“Have you ever needed it?”

“Yes, on occasion. We’ve had kids physically hurt themselves just to get out, but that’s rare. We’ve had a few cases of hypothermia. We watch very closely for that.”

With every word he spoke, my head spun faster. “I can see you don’t pull any punches.”

“No, we don’t. You will get a good taste of it the first time we ask you to return. You will experience what we call the ‘hot seat’ in a group session, and you won’t be treated with kid gloves—I can assure you of that,” he said with a slight smile. “Where are you staying?”

“I haven’t made any reservations.”

“There’s a nice little inn in town, about three miles down the road. I could call—”

“How would you feel about my staying in the dorm with the girls?”

“Well, it’s—”

“Mr. Cawdry, I’m really not so sure about all this. I’d like to get a better sense of this place. The only way I’m going to be reassured that I’m doing the right thing is by seeing and hearing from the kids who have already done their time out there in the wilderness.”

“Well, I don’t see a problem with that, but I can’t guarantee you a good night’s sleep. If you’re ready now, I’ll lead you up to the cabin. Oh, and please, call me Steve. We’re not that formal around here.”

I followed Steve up the hill to the cluster of cabins. The only light was from the swarm of stars in the endless sky. I couldn’t remember ever seeing such a luminous body of space.

Steve knocked on the door and three girls yelled out, “Come in.”

“Hello, girls. This is Georgia Durante. She and her daughter, Toni, arrived here tonight. Toni is out on a solo right now, and Georgia isn’t feeling very comfortable about it. She asked if she could stay here and talk to you all.”

“Cool,” said one of the girls from the far side of the room.

“Guess I’ll leave you to chat. Good night, ladies.”

I watched as Steve disappeared into the night and then I turned to the girls.

“So, what’s she in for?” asked a hard-looking young lady.

“What you’re all here for. Drugs,” I answered.

“Not me! My mom just hates me—can’t deal with me. That’s why I’m here,” one of the girls offered.

“Oh, Karen, cut the shit,” another girl said abruptly. “I thought you were over that my-mother-hates-me bullcrap. You’re one of the biggest druggies in here! Who you kidding?”

“This is no place for your daughter. If you really love her, you’ll get her out of here ASAP!” Karen squealed, ignoring her attacker.

“Come on, Karen, you’re gonna make this lady think this is some kind of a prison or something.”

“Well . . . isn’t it?”

“You know damn well this place is straightening up your act. You just admitted that in group yesterday, remember?”

“Well, it doesn’t do me any good to fight it, does it?” Karen retorted.

“Don’t mind her, Georgia,” the other girl said. “We’ve all been on her case today. Each of us has our chores to do, and this is Karen’s week to cook for the entire group. There’s thirty-eight of us altogether, counting the boys. She didn’t live up to her responsibility, so none of us ate.”

“I didn’t feel good,” Karen retaliated.

“That’s bullshit, Karen. It was my job to cut the wood today. What if I didn’t do it? You wouldn’t be lying around here when the nights get cold feeling nice and toasty, would you?”

“Yeah, Karen, we shouldn’t have to suffer because you’re so damn lazy!” another girl added. “You’re gonna have to pull your weight around here if you want to have any friends.”

I thought the girls would never tire of talking. I was exhausted. As I lay on the small, cramped cot, I couldn’t stop wondering if Toni was cold, or if she was frightened. Overwhelmed with it all, I had forgotten to call Dennis.

“What’s going on?” I mumbled, trying to focus.

“There’s a problem somewhere. We gotta have a group session and work through it,” someone answered flatly in the dark.

I glanced at my watch. “At four o’clock in the morning?”

“It doesn’t matter what time it is. We have to deal with it at the time that it happens, and no one gets to go back to sleep until the problem is settled.”

I quickly put on my jeans and followed the girls out to the main cabin. Everyone sat in a circle and waited to be told what the problem was. No one looked particularly excited about being there.

Finally a short, good-looking man with gentle eyes and a full beard appeared. He was exactly the kind of guy you would expect to find in the woods. In fact, he was the mountain man I had anticipated when I met Steve, the headmaster.

“Hi, I’m Little John. You must be Toni’s mother,” he stated pleasantly.

“Yes, I am. It’s nice to meet you,” I replied, shaking his hand. He introduced me to the boys and then proceeded.

“Well, let’s get this over with so we can all go back to sleep. Jeanie was caught sneaking into the boys’ dorm. This is the second time this month.” Little John peered over at the scrawny-looking girl defeatedly. “So what are we going to do about this problem, Jeanie?” he asked compassionately.

Jeanie just shrugged, looking totally bored.

Little John turned his focus to a tall, thin youth with surfer blond hair and deep blue eyes. “Robbie, what do you have to say?”

“Well, shit,” Robbie replied, “what would you do if you were sound asleep and a girl woke you up by stroking your dick? Wouldn’t you go for it?”

Jeanie’s eyes were wide with insult. “You knew I was coming over. Don’t try to act like Mr. Innocent!” she retorted.

“Jeanie,” Little John said, “why don’t we talk about this need you have for sex. Where do you think that comes from?”

“Don’t you have a need for sex, Little John?” she asked.

“Yes, I do, with someone I love. You don’t care who you’re with. You’re gonna go through the entire community before you leave here.”

“She already has,” responded another girl sourly.

I surmised from the girl’s tone that Jeanie had slept with a boy she was sweet on.

“Fuck you, Sandy!” Jeanie shouted.

“Jeanie, don’t you think Sandy has a good reason to be angry with you?” another girl inquired with a less accusing voice.

“Maybe . . .”

“Maybe shit, you little tramp!” Sandy yelled.

“Sandy, let’s try to help Jeanie with this problem,” Little John suggested with an even tone. “You all have your own shit to deal with. Let’s consider Jeanie’s problem right now and help her to see why she has the need to continue with this behavior.”

“Maybe she just likes it—did you ever think of that, Little John?” one of the boys asked innocently.

“Do you think that’s true, Jeanie? Is it just the sex you love?” Little John asked in a gentle voice.

“No,” she whispered, picking fuzz balls off her socks.

“Then what is it, Jeanie?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do,” he pressed.

“No, I don’t!”

“Come on, Jeanie, get it out, whatever the hell it is, so we can all go back to bed!” a boy in the group blurted out impatiently.

“Jeanie, how do you feel about your dad?” Little John asked, expertly knowing which buttons to push.

Jeanie looked at him with surprise. “What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean, Jean—”

“I know what he means,” interrupted the short, dark-haired girl. “Your father sexually abused you . . . didn’t he?”

“NO!”

“Who are you protecting? Just tell the truth, Jeanie. Get it out,” probed Little John.

“YES! YES! My father abused me!” she screamed, bursting into tears. “It wasn’t my fault!”

“We know it wasn’t your fault, Jeanie, but you’re blaming yourself every time you sneak into the boys’ dorm. You’re punishing yourself for something you had no control over. It’s the reason you take drugs too. We are all your friends here, Jean. You’re safe.”

Everyone got up and surrounded Jeanie, taking turns hugging her, even Sandy.

“Okay, kids, good work. We’ll continue this session tomorrow. Now go and get some sleep,” instructed Little John while holding back a yawn.

The group dispersed, anxious to get back to bed. I was too exhilarated to sleep. That was great! I was beginning to understand how it worked. After that night I was pretty comfortable with the program. I could have left feeling that everything was going to be all right, but I was fascinated with the whole process and elected to stay for another five days.

“When are you going to start dealing with your pain, Georgia?” Little John asked in group.

“What pain? I’m fine; I’m happy.”

They all burst into laughter, as though they knew something I didn’t. They did.

“What do you feel when you think about your three marriages?”

“Nothing.”

“That’s the point. You have never dealt with your own pain. How can you teach your daughter how to deal with it, when you don’t have a clue how to do it yourself? Don’t you want to let that little girl come out of the dark and let her have her cry? How long has it been since you cried?” Little John asked.

“I can’t remember.”

“Of course you can’t. You can’t remember a lot of things. Don’t you think it’s time?”

They all took their turns, poking at me until I finally did cry. Then, one by one, they took turns hugging me. I couldn’t believe how good crying felt. It was excellent practice for what was about to come.

The day before I left, I joined the kids on a trip to the lake. We loaded inner tubes into a beat-up old pickup truck and we all piled in. It reminded me of how I had grown up. My childhood had been filled with adventures like this—a simple life, a good life. I thought of Toni and wished she could be sharing this with me. By now I understood that wherever she was and whatever she was doing, the outcome could only be positive.

The kids all knew I made my living doing stunts and dared me to jump off a nearby bridge. I had never backed down from a dare when I was a kid, but I wasn’t a kid anymore. The setting took me back to another place in time, and the last thing I acted like was an adult. The child in me came out to play as I climbed the rocks up to the bridge.

Jesus, it hadn’t looked this high from down there.

From a height of some sixty feet, I was having second thoughts. Then I felt a faint rumble and soon I heard the train approaching. I looked down at the water, then back at the train. Closer. The train whistle blew. Gotta go. I jumped.

That day, I gained the respect and the confidence of all those troubled kids. Thank God for the train.

I answered my own question as soon as I picked up the phone to hustle up work so I could pay for the school. Being married to Richard had caused me to shun big money. It changed people somehow. But I had to have at least enough to buy us freedom.

Back to the grind.

“What’s the deal?” Dennis asked when I answered the phone.

“Dennis! I just got back.”

“Yes, I know; I’ve been calling every day. How did it go?”

“I’m sorry, phones just weren’t a commodity out in the woods.”

I told him everything that had happened. He sounded relieved. We both had been a little skeptical in the beginning.

“Well, my deal went great, too,” he said with excitement. “I’m going to celebrate tonight. Now I have something else to celebrate as well. It sounds like that place is it for Toni. I sure hope so.”

“When are you coming home, Dennis?”

“I’m leaving in the morning. Do we have a date tomorrow night?”

“We’d better have a date,” I answered.

“You pick the place. I’ll be at your house at seven. I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Dennis. See you tomorrow.”

It was a beautiful August day. Darlene and I sat around the pool sipping margaritas and soaking up sunshine. She was such a joy to have around—always there to lend an ear when I needed to vent. When the phone rang, neither of us wanted to move from the comfort of our lounge chairs to answer it, but curiosity got to Darlene. She forced herself up and sauntered over to the terrace. After talking a moment, she placed the receiver on the outside patio table and walked back toward the pool.

“It’s Darrien!” she whispered.

“Oh, Christ, she’s probably calling to complain about Dennis again. Frankly, I’m getting sick of this.” I marched over to the phone. “Hello, Darrien,” I said impatiently.

“Who was that who answered the phone?”

“That was Darlene, my ex-sister-in-law.”

“Is she still there?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Because I have something to tell you, and I don’t think you should be alone.” Remembering the last time someone had said that sent a chill through me.

“What’s wrong, Darrien?”

“Dennis . . . Dennis is . . . He’s dead, Georgia.”

“What are you talking about, Darrien? I just spoke to him. Why would you say something like that!”

“Georgia . . . his plane crashed. He’s dead!” she blurted, and burst out crying.

“NO! You’re lying to me! Darrien, say that’s not true! Please! Oh, my God . . . say it’s not true! Oh, no! No, no, no, no . . .”

“What’s the matter, Georgia?” Darlene kept asking as she paced in front of me.

I couldn’t say it; I just could not say the words: He’s dead. All I kept saying was, “NO!” Darlene picked up the receiver. Never having seen me in a state like that before, Dustin got scared and started to cry. After Dar heard the news she immediately called Richard and asked him to come over to pick Dustin up.

I turned on the television and we watched the horrifying image of the plane burning. Dead bodies were being pulled from the wreckage.

“Wait . . . someone’s alive . . . that man is alive! Maybe it’s Dennis, Dar.”

“Georgia, this is not live footage. Darrien said he was positively identified. She spoke to his brother.”

“Maybe they made a mistake!” I shouted, refusing to give up hope.

Darlene took me by the shoulders, forcing me look directly at her. “Georgia . . . Dennis is gone, honey.”

Stunned by the reality, I painfully turned back to the TV, trying to absorb the truth.

“Did you hear that, Darlene?”

“Hear what?”

“Dennis is dead.”

“Did they say his name?”

“No.”

“What did you hear?”

“The flight number.”

“What about it?”

“It was flight number one ninety-one.”

“So what does that mean?”

“It means . . . he’s dead.”

Eyeing me strangely, Dar poured me a very strong drink. Consumed with tremendous grief, I couldn’t pull my thoughts together to try to explain. Vivid pictures ran through my mind: the white owl, the psychic who saw the fire from a plane crash. It was all coming together now. We were both supposed to die on flight number 191. We had escaped that fate once, but it would be too much for Dennis to escape it twice. It was in the cards.

A phone call soon brought me back to reality.

“Hello, Georgia?”

“Yes?”

“This is Dr. Kendall. I just got a call from Spring Creek school. They said they have not yet received the $10,000. They were supposed to have received it last Monday.”

“Oh, Dr. Kendall, I’m sorry. I completely forgot about it. I’ve had a difficult week—I just wasn’t thinking. I’ll make arrangements to sell my stock today.”

I called my broker and found that the news of Dennis’s death had driven the stock down to a point where I could not sell it without taking a terrible loss. I hadn’t even thought of the effect his death would have on the stock. What was I going to do? I had to keep Toni in that place somehow. Selling my house was the last resort. I opened my jewelry box and began adding up the value. I must have had at least $50,000 in jewelry. If I could get ten for it, I’d be lucky, but ten was what I needed. I put some feelers out and prayed I’d get a buyer soon.

The next day I met with Dr. Kendall regarding To ni’s progress. I was gone for an hour. When I returned I found my house had been broken into. The carpet had just been vacuumed and fresh footprints led directly to the jewelry and back out the door. Nothing else had been taken. I had no rider on my insurance for the jewelry. I sat down at my kitchen table and put my head in my hands. What more could happen?

None of Toni’s friends knew where she had gone. It had all happened too fast. Then I got a call from Toni’s best friend, Angie.

“Hi, Georgia. This is Angie. I’ve been calling Toni all week on her line but she never answers. Is she home?”

“No, she’s in Montana, Angie.”

“Montana? What’s she doing there?”

I explained what had taken place and told her about the program at Spring Creek. She started to cry.

“Oh, Georgia, I’m so glad you got her to a place like that. I know you have no idea about this. Toni will probably never speak to me again for telling you, but you have to know. . . .”

“Know what?”

“I don’t know how to say this. . . .”

“Angie, just say it! What?”

“You know how she’s been going to Solana Beach on weekends sometimes?”

“Yes, go on.”

“Well, Joe . . . Joe’s been . . . he’s . . . he’s been molesting her.”

My heart stopped.

“I’m sorry, Georgia, but I had to tell you. Toni’s been getting worse and worse with the drugs. I was so afraid she was going to overdose. She’s trying desperately to put it out of her mind,” she sobbed.

My whole body began to shake. If he were there, I would have pulled the knife from my heart and stuck it into his.

“Angie, how long has this been going on?” I asked, trying to keep my voice from trembling.

“I guess about a year.”

“A year! Why didn’t she tell me?”

“She just confided in me a few months ago, and she tells me everything.”

“Thank you for having the courage to speak up. You did the right thing by telling me, and you’ve helped Toni more than you know. You’re a true friend, Angie. I’m going to call the school right away and let them know. This will save a lot of time trying to dig for the problem. Angie, I can’t talk anymore. I think I’m going to be sick.”

I hung up the phone and threw up. My head was spinning. I realized why she had never told me. He was using the same technique he had used with me: fear. That bastard! Of all the things Joe was, I never in my wildest dreams thought he’d step over this line. My daughter. That bastard!

In a white-hot rage, I picked up the phone and punched in his number.

“You son of a bitch!” I screamed at the top of my lungs.

“What are you taking about?”

“You know goddamn well what I’m talking about, you bastard! You weren’t satisfied just destroying me; you had to destroy my daughter too, you sick motherfucker. I can’t believe I felt sorry for you—and all the while you were molesting Toni. Joe . . . I’m going to kill you! You’d better look over your shoulder, because I’m not gonna rest until you’re dead. I’m gonna blow your fucking brains out. I should have done it years ago. I was afraid of you then, but now you’d better be afraid of me!”

He started to cry. “Georgia, don’t you see why? I know I must be sick, but I closed my eyes, and . . . she was you. She’s the closest thing to—”

“Don’t you dare try to use me for your excuse. Is your mind so twisted that you actually think that makes it all right? If you do, you’re sicker than I thought. Joe, you have finally destroyed the only two human beings on this earth who ever cared whether you lived or died. Now you have nothing. No one! Maybe I should save myself the jail time and just let you do it yourself—you will, you know. I predicted long ago that you would die a sad, lonely old man, by your own hand. When you finally have the guts to look at yourself and see how you’ve lived your life, and all the people you’ve hurt so cruelly, you’ll do it. Maybe that’s the best revenge after all. All I know is I hate you. Don’t you ever call this house—do you understand that? I don’t ever want to see your face or hear your voice again.”

“Georgia, please listen to me,” he pleaded.

“You’ve got nothing to say that I want to hear. Don’t call this house, Joe. If you do, I’ll have you arrested. In fact, I’ll have you arrested anyway. Where the hell is my head? You had me so brainwashed about calling the cops, the thought just occurred to me. You raped my daughter! I’m going to fucking have you arrested, you no-good bastard!”

“Please, Georgia, try to—”

“I’ll see you in court, Joe—if I don’t kill you first!” I screamed as I slammed down the phone.

I took a few minutes to stop shaking and pull myself together, and then I called the school and spoke to Steve, the headmaster.

“You have to get him here, Georgia. It’s extremely important that Toni confront him. If she cannot confront him face-to-face and tell him how she feels about what he did to her, she will always have a problem with men. It’s the only way she can truly get well. Can you get him to come?”

“I don’t know. He’s an extremely private person. He would never deal with the ‘hot seat’, I can tell you that right now. His pride will kill him someday. I just don’t think I’ll be able to make that happen.”

“It’s essential to Toni’s mental well-being. Tell him you won’t have him arrested if he comes; then have the jerk arrested anyway.”

“Okay, Steve. I’ll do my best, but I have to wait till tomorrow to call him again. I’m out of control right now.”

“I understand.”

“I’ll call you after I speak to him.”

“You try to get some rest; we’ll handle Toni. Georgia . . . maybe you should talk to Dr. Kendall. You’re under an unusual amount of stress. Frankly, I don’t know how you’re holding up under the circumstances.”

“I’m okay.”

“You’re not, really; you’re numb. Talk to Dr. Kendall. By the way, we still haven’t told Toni about Dennis. I know how you feel, but we think it’s better that we don’t for now.”

“I suppose you know what’s best.”

I lay in bed, my stomach churning. I tried not to think, but I couldn’t stop. The pictures were all too vivid in my imagination. I remembered the times the subject of child molesters had come up around Joe. He’d get so angry, he’d say they should hang them by their balls. I thought his beliefs were strongly against that kind of thing. But now I could clearly see how he had twisted my thoughts in an effort to cloak his deception. How could I have been so blind? I felt as if I were being separated from reality.

How sorry I’d felt for him after he lost his mother, after he’d lost me. His life had seemed so sad and empty then, and when he’d asked me to send Toni down to Solana Beach for visits, I thought it would help heal both of them. He had seemed so changed, so much gentler, and I wanted Toni to see a better side of him. He had wanted to make up to her for the trauma he’d caused in her childhood. And I thought seeing Toni would bring a little light into his life, too. What a fool I’d been. Again, my soft heart had been my downfall, and now it was Toni’s, too.

This betrayal was too much to cope with. I walked into my closet and took the gun down from its hiding place. I stared at it for a while and contemplated driving to Solana Beach and putting a bullet into Joe’s head.

I put the gun back, took two Valiums, and waited for sleep to take me away.

“Georgia, don’t hang up; please let me just—”

“Joe, I don’t want to hear your excuses. The only explaining you need to do is to the police.”

He started to cry again. “I know I’m sick; I need help. I guess I can’t blame you for never wanting to speak to me again. I’ve lost everything—you, Toni, my mother— everything. There’s nothing left for me if I can’t even hear your voice again, and it’s all my fault. I don’t want to live anymore. How could I have been so stupid? God, help me.”

“I don’t think God can help you, Joe, but before you kill yourself, you could help Toni. Don’t leave this earth without trying to mend what you’ve managed to destroy.”

“What do you mean?”

“Toni’s going to need extensive therapy because of what you’ve done to her. But it won’t work unless she can look you in the eye and confront you. She needs to tell you face-to-face how she feels about it.”

“I know how she feels; she doesn’t need to tell me.”

“You’re wrong; she does.”

“So what am I supposed to do?”

“Go to Montana. Face up to what you did.”

“What’s that going to do?”

“Keep you out of jail!”

“How do I know you won’t turn me in anyway?”

“You don’t. If you ever wanted to do anything positive in your life, Joe, it’s this. If you care about Toni’s mental health, you’ll do it. I see it as serving two purposes: It will help her, and it will keep you out of prison. The choice is yours.”

After a long silence, he finally agreed. “When do I leave?”

“In two weeks, when she gets back from her survival trip.”

“Georgia . . . I know it’ll be the last time I ever see the two of you again. That’s the punishment for my crime, but someday I hope you’ll understand that I’m sick. I don’t know why I’ve done the things I’ve done to you. I’ve banged my head against the wall many times, trying to understand. I’m so sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you over the years. I guess you’ll both be better off without me in your lives. I’ve been selfish, and—”

“Save it, Joe. There’s no more forgiveness in my heart for you.”

He burst into tears one more time. “I’m sorry. . . . I’m so sorry . . .” he proclaimed between sobs.

I placed the phone in its cradle and sat on the edge of my bed. What had happened in his childhood that made him who he was? When he’d been drinking, he had told me some disturbing stories. His father used to tie him up in the cold, dark cellar. He would beat Joe and keep him there for days. Joe described the fear he had lived with in vivid detail—when the rats had crawled near his feet, and how he screamed for his mother to rescue him. He told me how she would sneak him food and pray she wouldn’t get caught.

The little he had told me about his childhood had been distressing enough, but I knew even more anguish and suffering hid behind the anger and hatred with which he lashed out. Maybe because he had been helplessly controlled as a child, he felt the need to control and dominate. I don’t know. Until Joe had the courage to unlock the doors to that ugly past, no one would ever know what motivated his outbursts. But somehow, without ever knowing, I knew. I understood, without really understanding.

Georgia Black was with me on that sweltering Montana day. And she wasn’t hiding in the shadows. We sat in an open field and tore into the darker depths of Joe’s mind. Without Black, I couldn’t have handled the pain of all that came from that altercation.

By the afternoon’s end, distinguishing the tears from the sweat was impossible. I didn’t know it at the time, but Joe had warned Toni that if he were ever found out, he would kill himself. He had manipulated her adolescent mind with fear. I reflected on my own days of fear. Not until this moment did I understand how the game was played.

His pride was shattered. He would never recover from the embarrassment of that confrontation. He fled to Rochester shortly after returning from Montana, afraid of my wrath, leaving a life in California he had grown to love. No more tennis every day, no more beautiful sunsets to feast his eyes upon. No more Joe Lamendola. Funny, the years I ran in fear . . . now he was running from me.

At that point I was still moving Joe’s money. I had over $100,000 in my name. Fifteen thousand of it was rightfully mine, but I’d never entertained the thought of asking for it. I cashed out all the investments, deducted fifteen thousand, and sent him the balance, putting an end to any future contact. In retrospect, I probably should have taken it all and given it to Toni for the irreparable damage he had done to her mind.

Using my portion of the money, I was able to make the down payment for the school. What he had done to us both was the ultimate betrayal. I never uttered a single word to Joe again.

I came away from that experience at Spring Creek wondering how many more lessons I had in store before I could be granted peace. I continued putting one foot in front of the other, having no idea where I was going—except that it was forward.