Chapter 9

When Joshua awoke at seven-thirty, Rachel had already left for work. He found a note on the nightstand, written in her elegant script: Hey, sleepyhead. Will call with time for OB-GYN appt. Love, Rachel.

At the mention of the doctor, giddiness bubbled through Joshua all over again. I’m going to be a father. I can’t believe it.

 But the memory of how Rachel had lied about her internet research put a damper on his excitement—and opened a Pandora’s Box of questions, too.

Why was she researching penitentiaries? Did it have anything to do with her nightmare? Why had she lied about it? What was she hiding from him?

On his way downstairs to brew coffee, Joshua paused at the threshold of Rachel’s study. He pushed open the door. Looked at the laptop.

The answers to his questions might reside on her computer. All he had to do was switch it on and take a look. Rachel would never know.

But he hesitated. He wasn’t one of those rude individuals who took malicious pleasure in digging through another’s belongings. His mother was nosy like that; he harbored bad memories of her rooting through his dresser drawers and closets, looking for anything she could use to make his life miserable. Once, when he was twenty-three years old and living at home after graduating from college, she discovered a pack of condoms during one of her search-and-seizure missions—and had thrown such a self-righteous fit that Joshua and his father had worried that they would need to admit her to the hospital for sedation.

Although Joshua would be looking through Rachel’s computer not with ill intent, but with a sincere desire to learn why she was deceiving him, he felt uneasy with the idea.

He turned away from the study and went downstairs. He brewed a pot of coffee. In his office, he tried to work on some initial ideas for the restaurant’s corporate identity package, but he was unable to concentrate.

He looked at the ceiling. His office was located directly beneath Rachel’s study. Although it was surely his artist’s imagination at work, he thought he could sense her computer up there, tempting him to uncover its secrets.

Finally, he pushed out of the chair and strode upstairs, walking so fast that Coco, sleeping on the sofa in the family room, awoke and chased after him, curious about his urgent mission.

Before he lost his nerve, he rushed into Rachel’s study and punched the laptop’s power button.

The machine whirred, proceeding through the boot-up cycle. He sat in the desk chair, started to adjust the height to accommodate his long legs, and stopped himself. If he neglected to re-adjust the chair, Rachel would know that he’d been in there.

Sweat coated his forehead. Snooping was a breach of confidence. By doing this, he was crossing a line in their marriage, admitting to himself that he no longer trusted her, was suspicious of her motives, and there would be consequences to pay for his actions, if not to Rachel, then to his own conscience.

Coco had not entered the room. The little dog sat on her haunches on the threshold, and he swore that her bubble-eyed gaze was accusatory.

“I don’t have any choice,” he said to the dog, as if the animal would tattle on him to Rachel. “I have to know what’s going on.”

The computer reached the Welcome screen. In a log-on box, the username field was populated by his wife’s first name, but the cursor blinked in the password field—which was empty.

He clicked the OK button, hoping that the system would grant him access without a password.

Please enter a password.

“Shit,” he said.

He drummed a tattoo on the desk. He had no idea what her password might be.

He glanced at Coco, typed the dog’s name, and hit Enter.

Incorrect password.

He typed his own name.

Incorrect password.

Rachel’s salon.

Incorrect password.

“Dammit, what is it then?”

He leaned backward, his weight making the chair springs squeak. He looked around the study. Gazed at her collection of dog figurines sitting on a shelf, the novels and business texts that packed the bookcase, the photograph of a sun-splashed beach standing on the corner of the desk.

Hunched forward, he began to type in anything that came to mind, combinations of numbers and letters, her birth date, their anniversary, his own birth date, the name of her favorite restaurant . . .

None of them worked.

Sighing, he spun away from the computer. His knee bumped against the desk and set a ballpoint pen rolling across the desktop. It dropped into a small trashcan.

He reached inside the can to retrieve the pen. His fingers brushed across a crumpled piece of paper.

He pulled out the pen, and the paper. He unfurled the paper on his lap.

It appeared to be a print-out of a web page. Unfortunately, the ink cartridge had run dry while printing the document; the text was so faint it was virtually unreadable.

Joshua raised the page to the overhead light, squinted.

He could make out four words: Illinois Department of Corrections.

There was other text, but it was too pale for him to decipher.

He checked the trashcan again. It contained only a discarded wrapper from a black ink cartridge. Nothing else.

Apparently, Rachel had printed this document, seen the low-quality of the text, and had then replaced the cartridge. After which, she presumably reprinted the page.

There was a two-drawer filing cabinet on the other side of the room. He opened the drawers, found the expected files: documents for their home, insurance, tax returns, marriage certificate, financial investments. Nothing suspicious.

He examined the page again. He’d at least learned why he’d glimpsed the word “penitentiary” on her laptop last night—she was researching the Illinois prison system.

But why?

He needed more information, and he could get it only from her computer.

On the screen, the pulsing cursor mocked him.

A painful idea occurred to him: if he knew his wife better, he would know her password. If they were truly soul mates, as he believed, he would understand how her mind worked, would be able to figure out the secret pass code she would create.

And the realization brought a more painful truth: if their marriage was stronger, she wouldn’t be hiding anything like this from him in the first place.

The phone on the desk rang. According to Caller ID, the call was coming from Rachel’s salon.

Shame burned his face. He grabbed the phone off her desk, and left her study for the hallway.

“Hey, love,” she said. “Whatca up to?”

“Just working.”

“You okay? You sound kinda weird.”

“I’m fine. Just been busy this morning.”

“I won’t keep you then. I wanted to let you know that my appointment with the OB-GYN is for two o’clock. You wanted to meet me there, right?”

“Definitely. Where’s the doctor’s office?”

She gave him the address, and told him to call her if he didn’t think he’d be able to make it. He assured her that he would be there. They talked a couple more minutes about inconsequential things, and then hung up.

He returned to her study and replaced the phone on the cradle. He’d left the piece of scrap paper on her desk. He balled it up again, and tossed it in the trash. Then he turned off the laptop, too.

At the doorway, he gave the room a once-over, to make sure he’d left nothing out of place. The study looked exactly as it had before he’d entered.

Too bad that he didn’t feel like he had before he’d stepped inside. He had hoped to find answers that would put his mind at ease. But with no clear answers, he felt worse than ever about his wife’s deception. Like a man sinking in quicksand.