CHAPTER 7

ESTHER DIDN’T HEAR a word that the Sunday school teacher said. She used to love answering Mrs. Nevin’s questions and would be the first person with her hand in the air, but none of it seemed important anymore. Who cared what a bunch of people who lived a long time ago in a faraway land did and said? The stories had nothing to do with Esther. They couldn’t explain why everything in her life was swerving out of control like the car that had killed her mother. And as far as Esther could see, nothing in the Bible could tell her how to get her old life back again.

One week had passed since Daddy went away. It seemed like a year. They had skipped church last Sunday because it was the day after he’d left. During the week, Esther and Peter had stayed in their room every evening after school, avoiding Penny Goodrich. Esther hadn’t wanted to get dressed and come to church this week, either, but Penny had insisted.

“I promised your daddy that I would take you to church . . . and I know you don’t want to disappoint your daddy, do you? And besides, your grandma is expecting you for Sunday dinner afterward.”

So here they sat in Sunday school. Esther glanced at Peter and saw him staring vacantly into space, showing no more interest in the lesson than she did. He was supposed to be in a class with kids his own age, but ever since he had been old enough to attend Sunday school he had insisted on staying with Esther, refusing to leave her side. “Either he stays with me or we both go home,” she had told the superintendent that first day. Peter had been in her classes ever since.

“Well, our time is nearly up,” Mrs. Nevin was saying. “Does anyone have a question? Something to share?”

Esther raised her hand for the first time. “Our father went away to fight in the war last week.”

“My dad is fighting, too,” someone said.

“Yeah, so is mine.”

Esther raised her hand again. “Why do there have to be wars?”

The teacher removed her eyeglasses and cleaned them on a corner of her sweater. The tiny, prim woman had tightly curled hair that was so gray it looked blue. “Well, I’m sorry to say, Esther, that it’s because there are evil people in the world, and they have to be stopped.”

“Why doesn’t God just kill all the evil people himself? Why do our fathers have to do it?”

Mrs. Nevin’s pleasant smile faded. She wiped her glasses so vigorously, Esther thought the lens might pop out. “We don’t really have time today to – ”

A year’s worth of unanswered questions suddenly spilled over like boiling soup. Esther was sick and tired of holding them all inside and no longer cared what Mrs. Nevin or anyone else thought of her. “I want to know why people who never did anything wrong have to die, and meanwhile the bad people get to keep on living?”

The room went very still. Even the rowdy boys who usually whispered and snickered throughout the lesson sat as still as mannequins. “I’m not really sure,” Mrs. Nevin finally said, “but I think we should take a moment to pray for our loved ones who are off fighting.”

“Why?” Esther asked. “What good will prayers do? Everyone prayed that my mother would live after the car accident, but she died in the hospital.” Mrs. Nevin didn’t seem able to reply. “Even if we pray and pray,” Esther continued, “God doesn’t stop people from dying, so what good does it do?”

“Everyone dies, Esther. But God promised that those of us who know Him will go to heaven to live with Him after we die.”

“Why does He need more people up in heaven? Didn’t you tell us that God owns the whole universe and all the stars and planets and things? Aren’t there already a bunch of angels up in heaven with Him?”

Mrs. Nevin walked over to Esther’s side and laid her hand on her shoulder. “I can’t answer your questions, dear. I’m so sorry – ”

“Well, who can?”

“Would you like me to ask Reverend McClure to visit you at home?”

Esther’s anger fizzled into the familiar darkness once again like the last dying burst of fireworks. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does, dear. I’ll speak with the pastor right after the worship service, okay?”

“Don’t bother.”

Penny Goodrich was waiting for Esther and Peter in the church lobby, smiling and talking with everyone in her mile-a-minute way as if she had attended Esther’s church all her life. She hadn’t. Penny had never set foot in this church before. She didn’t belong here. “Why can’t you go to your own church?” Esther had asked her this morning as they boarded the bus.

Penny’s smile had wavered like a birthday candle in the wind. “Well . . . because your father wants you to keep going to your regular church. And I’m taking care of you now.”

The sight of Penny making herself at home here in church the same way she had made herself at home in the apartment made Esther furious. She hurried ahead into the sanctuary and plopped down in the pew so that Peter would have to sit in the middle beside Penny. Esther lowered her chin and stared at her shoes. The familiar sanctuary seemed like a different place for some reason.

She tried to remember what it had been like when she and Peter and Mama and Daddy used to come to church together. On the Sundays when it was Mama’s turn to play the piano they would sit up front in the very first pew, right behind Mama. Esther loved to watch her mother’s strong fingers dance across the keyboard. Mama had begun to teach Esther how to play, but now all the music had faded into silence.

The service lasted forever. Afterward, they walked over to Grandma Shaffer’s house for Sunday dinner. Penny said good-bye and went next door to eat dinner with her own parents. Grandma greeted Esther and Peter in her housecoat and slippers.

“There was no sense in fixing a big meal now that your father isn’t here to eat it,” she said. “I made beans and franks. You like that, don’t you?”

Esther shrugged. “I guess so.” She didn’t feel hungry.

It seemed very quiet without Penny’s endless, cheerful chatter. Grandma put the pot of food on the table and sat down with Esther and Peter, but she didn’t eat anything. She didn’t even have a plate or silverware in front of her. She seemed very sad. “What’s wrong?” Esther asked her.

“What do you think is wrong? All three of my boys are fighting in this terrible war, and I don’t know what in the world I’ll do if anything happens to them.”

Esther didn’t know what to say. She poked holes in her hot dog with her fork as Grandma’s parakeet chirped noisily in the background. “We got a letter from Daddy this week,” she finally said. “He told us that he has to sleep in a big room with lots of other men.”

“Yeah, he sent me a letter, too. It’s here somewhere, if you want to read it.” Grandma braced her hands on the table and got up to search through the endless piles of papers on her countertops.

“Never mind,” Esther said. “It’s probably the same as ours.”

Peter didn’t play his usual game of fetch with Woofer after lunch, even though the dog begged and begged, dropping her slimy ball at Peter’s feet and gazing up at him with her happy doggy smile and lolling tongue. Instead, they all sat in the crammed living room, listening to The Old Fashioned Revival Hour on the radio. Grandma’s house smelled stuffy and stale, like a closet full of old clothes that no one ever wore.

“Knock, knock,” Penny finally called through the back screen door. “Lunch all finished?”

Esther wove through the piles of junk to get to the door, relieved to see Penny. “Can we go home now?” she whispered.

Penny had filled two more shopping bags full of her things, and she lugged them to the bus stop. When the bus arrived, she set them down for a minute to help an elderly woman board the bus – then nearly left the bags behind. “I’m such a scatterbrain,” she fussed when they were safely on board.

The woman reached across the aisle to pat Penny’s hand. “Thank you for your kindness, dear. You don’t find very many young people who are kind these days, especially a pretty young lady like you.”

Esther made a face. Did the woman need glasses? Penny wasn’t pretty at all.

As soon as Esther stepped off the bus, she took off at a run, sprinting ahead of Penny and Peter all the way home and clambering up the stairs to their apartment. She had her own keys. Daddy had given them to her so she and Peter could let themselves into the apartment after school.

That evening after supper, Esther was reading a book in the living room when she heard Penny’s raised voice coming from the kitchen. “You’re not being very nice, Peter. When someone asks you a question, you’re supposed to answer it.”

Esther had never heard their mousy caretaker raise her voice before. She had spoken to them in a sickeningly sweet voice all week as if they were babies. Had Penny only pretended to be shy and nice all this time? Esther stuck a marker in her book and hurried to rescue her brother.

Penny gripped Peter’s arm as he struggled to get away. “No, wait. I want to know why you won’t talk to me. You’ve been ignoring my questions all week. I don’t want to write to your father, but – ”

“Don’t you dare touch my brother!” Esther grabbed Peter’s other arm, winning the tug-of-war as she yanked him away from Penny. He looked pale and frightened, but he didn’t cry out or make a sound. “Come on, Peter.” Esther pulled him upstairs to the bedroom they shared and slammed the door.

“Are you okay?” she asked. He nodded.

“What was Penny so mad about?” He stared at her, not blinking. “Come on, you can tell me. I’m on your side.” She waited, trying to be patient, but he still said nothing. “Are you mad at me or something?”

He shook his head as tears pooled in his eyes. “Then why won’t you tell me what’s wrong?” Peter’s face turned red as he continued to stare at her, his mouth slightly open as if he was trying to speak – but nothing came out.

“What’s the matter with you?” she asked, giving him a shove. Esther wouldn’t hurt her brother for anything in the world, but there was something unnatural about the mute way he stood there, as if he couldn’t breathe or was choking on something. Her heart sped up. “Say something! If this is a game, then it isn’t very funny.”

Peter lowered his gaze and lifted his bony shoulders as if trying to make his head disappear down the collar of his shirt. He never had been a chatterbox like Esther was, and when he did speak it had always been in a soft mumble. People would have to lean real close to hear what he was saying, and Grandma Shaffer, who was hard of hearing, couldn’t hear him at all. Everyone always said that Esther did enough talking for the both of them.

“Now, listen to me, Peter. I’m mad about the way things are around here, too, but it’s going to get a whole lot worse if we make Penny mad. So come on, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong. I promise I won’t tell anybody.” She waited for almost a minute, but Peter still didn’t reply. “Are you mad at me?” she asked again.

He shook his head and a tear slipped down his cheek. He wiped it with the heel of his hand. Esther sighed and sank down on her own bed across from his, listening to the traffic noise on the street below as they stared silently at each other.

That was when it dawned on Esther that Peter hadn’t spoken a single word since Daddy left a week ago. Peter had walked to school in silence, eaten his meals in silence, done his homework, read comic books, and gone to bed in silence. Her heart began to race as if she had just run up two flights of stairs to their bedroom. She jumped up in a panic and rummaged through their toy box in search of Peter’s small, square blackboard and a piece of chalk. When she found them, she pushed them into Peter’s hands. “If you won’t talk to me, then at least tell me why not.”

He held the slate against his chest for a moment before lowering it to his lap and writing: I can’t.

“You can tell me, Peter. I promise not to tell.”

He shook his head from side to side, as if trying to shake off water, and rapped his knuckles against the board. When he had her attention he added one word to what he’d already written.

I can’t talk.

“Don’t be stupid. You talked fine a week ago – and the week before that. Is your throat sore or something?”

He shook his head again, erased the words with his fist, and wrote: The words won’t come out.

Dread rolled through Esther. She didn’t know what to say. Peter erased again and wrote: Please don’t make me.

“Okay,” she said softly. “Okay. Everything will be okay.” But she wasn’t at all certain that it was true. What would she do if something happened to Peter? He was the only person she had left.

She heard a knock on their bedroom door. Penny. “Please go away,” Esther said. There was a long pause, but she could tell that Penny hadn’t left. Esther could picture her biting her lip and twisting her fingers in that annoying way she did.

“Um . . . Esther?” Penny’s voice sounded shaky. “I’m sorry I yelled. What happened was . . . I mean . . . all I did was ask Peter if he would dry the supper dishes because it’s his turn, and . . . and he wouldn’t answer me. So then I was trying to see if he was okay because he seemed real quiet all week, and . . . and he still wouldn’t answer me. You know I would never hurt either one of you, don’t you?”

Esther felt a small measure of power. Penny was probably afraid that she would write to Daddy and give him a bad report. “I’ll be out in a minute,” she said. “And I’ll dry the dishes for him.” She turned to her brother and pointed to the chalkboard. “If you won’t talk, then at least explain to me what’s going on, okay?” Peter nodded in reply.

Penny was standing right outside the door when Esther opened it. “Listen, is Peter okay?” she asked.

“He’s fine.” Esther squeezed past her and went downstairs to the kitchen. Penny had already washed the dishes and piled them on the drainboard, so Esther pulled a dish towel off the hook to wipe them. Daddy had never made them dry the dishes when he’d been in charge. Sometimes they hadn’t washed the dishes for days and days, and when they finally did get around to it, they would let them air-dry. But Penny had given them chores to do, making them clean up and help with supper and wash the dishes. Esther resented it, even though Mama had given them chores to do around the house, too. But Penny wasn’t their mother. She would never take Mama’s place.

Esther had just put away the last dish when the doorbell rang. Penny got there first, but Esther arrived in time to hear the man say, “Good evening, Mrs. Shaffer.”

“She’s not Mrs. Shaffer,” Esther shouted before Penny could reply. “She just takes care of us.”

“I see. Well, I’m Inspector Dalton from the fire marshal’s office.” He held up a silver badge. “I’m canvassing the neighborhood, looking for witnesses to last week’s fire at the synagogue across the street. I’d like to ask you a few questions, if I may.”

“I’m sorry,” Penny said, “but I wasn’t here that night. I came the day after the fire.”

“Is Mr. Shaffer home, then?”

“No, I’m sorry,” Penny began. “He – ”

“He left to fight in the army,” Esther finished.

“What’s your name, young lady?”

“Esther Shaffer.”

“Were you home on the night of the fire?”

“Yes.”

“Would you please tell me, in your own words, what you remember?” He pulled a small notebook and a pen from his pocket and wrote everything down while Esther talked.

“We were upstairs when we heard the sirens. Daddy was packing to go away. He made us close the windows because of the smoke, and then we went outside to watch. That’s when we saw our landlord, Mr. Mendel, come out of the burning building. He must have been hurt because an ambulance came and took him away.”

“How did you know it was Mr. Mendel?”

“Because he had on striped suspenders. We talked to him a little while before the fire and he was wearing them then.”

“How did he seem to you earlier that evening?”

Esther shrugged, not quite understanding the question. “Crabby. But he’s always in a bad mood. His wife used to be nice, but she – ” Esther halted, remembering the horrible sound the runaway car made as it crashed into the fruit stand. “His wife died.”

“But you were sure it was Mr. Mendel who came out of the synagogue?”

“Daddy asked one of the other men if it was him, and he said yes.”

“Do you recall anything else?”

She shrugged and shook her head. She didn’t want to remember. Watching the fire had been a terrible way to spend the last night with her father. She never would forget the feeling of the heat on her face, the smoke and cinders that stung her eyes and throat. Or the feeling of Daddy’s hand in hers as they watched the building burn. A year ago, Esther had let go of Mama’s hand, insisting that she was old enough to cross the street without holding hands like a baby. She had left Mama’s side to wander around the vegetable market on her own. This time it was Daddy who had let go of her hand first.

After the inspector left, Penny pulled Esther aside. “Listen, I hope you’re not going to stop talking to me, too. We need to try to get along for your father’s sake. I don’t want to have to give a bad report when I write to him.”

“Go ahead and tell him whatever you want – I don’t care. Maybe then he’ll come back home and take care of us himself.”

Penny shook her head. “He signed up for the army, Esther. He can’t just quit and come home. He made a promise to them.”

“He has to quit! They have to let him come home!”

“The army doesn’t work that way. If you don’t believe me, ask your schoolteacher. Ask anyone.”

Esther tried to wiggle away, but Penny stopped her. “Listen, would you be happier staying with your grandmother? I can talk to her, if you want. I can see if she’ll change her mind about taking care of you.”

Esther shook her head. “I don’t want to stay at Grandma’s house.”

“I’m doing my best, Esther. I just want to help your father out. I’m sure he’s worried about you.”

“Daddy doesn’t care about us, or he never would have left us!” Again she tried to leave, and again Penny stopped her.

“I just want you and Peter to be happy. What would make you happy?”

“If everything was back the way it was!”

Penny finally let her go, and Esther ran upstairs to her room. Peter was lying facedown on the bed, his favorite Captain Marvel comic books abandoned, his sobs muffled by the pillow. He had left the slate on Esther’s bed, and she picked it up to see what he had written.

I don’t know what’s wrong.
I try to talk and nothing comes out.
Help me!