Wellington Hospital
13 December, 1898
Dearest Husband:
The news of our survival will no doubt come as a shock. I know the feeling well, having returned to our sweet cottage with hopes high only to find you gone. How I longed to see you, Henry. How I long to see you still.
Where do I begin? Suffice it to say, we are safely returned to civilization at last. You are aware, I now know, that we were taken by Maori. The details of our ordeal can wait until we meet. Pray God that day comes soon.
At present, Josephine & I are in hospital, recuperating from a relatively mild bout of smallpox. We are both expected to recover completely, our vision unaffected. John & Martha were spared, blessedly. They are being cared for by Cyril Bell, the sailmaker & his new wife, Virginia. (Our dear friend Anamim did not survive the horrible day. I miss her even now.)
I live for the moment you lay eyes on our children again. You will be proud of them, one & all. John has shot up like a weed this year. He is an honorable boy, brave of heart, a protector by nature. He remembers you well & fondly. You will barely recognize Josephine, who lately reminds me of your Aunt Bertie. Pheeny appears to have inherited Bertie’s independent streak. We’ll need to keep a close eye in the coming years. Martha, of course, is no longer a baby, but a precocious child, chock full of questions. She has described you to strangers on numerous occasions. One would think you had only just left the room. (I spoke of you long & often.) “He is bearded,” she will boast. “He is quite tall & very handsome. He served as constable on the ship & was the very best of the lot.” Prepare yourself, dear Henry. Our youngest is highly demonstrative. She will expect more than a pat on the head from her “very handsome” father.
I come now to the saddest news. Our precious Mary is gone. She died six years ago, just hours into the abduction. Our baby suffocated. I weep as I write it. I was allowed to bury her & say a prayer, but that is all. Nothing marks her little grave. I so wished to tell you in person. Shared grief is half the sorrow, they say. I can only close my eyes & pretend it is so.
I expect to be released from hospital next week, the following week at the latest. I’d entertained a grand fantasy that our family would be reunited by Christmas. Of course that is impossible. (If only I might magic this letter into your hands today, better yet, magic the four of us into your arms.) You left neither instructions nor funds with your office, & so I shall need both as soon as possible. Please write in care of Cyril Bell (addressed envelope enclosed). Mr. & Mrs. Bell have generously invited us to stay until we sail for America. I do not wish to insinuate ourselves upon the newlyweds, but I must, as I am penniless, plain & simple. I prefer you send money as opposed to booking passage on a scheduled sailing. Various trading vessels put in regularly without notice. Funds in hand, I shall have us on the first one.
I must warn you that illness & circumstances have taken their toll. Do not expect the same fresh-faced, short-tempered lady to waltz through your front door. Expect only your devoted wife, your own Meg. I belong with my husband, & he with me & our children.
I miss you terribly, dearest.
Your loving wife, now & always,
Meg
She could not possibly know when the letter would leave, much less when it would arrive. Would it go on the first vessel, or would the sack containing it remain on the Wellington docks for weeks and become a stool for a card-playing rummy? Would the letter go by swift steamer? Or would it be put aboard a slow-moving junk? Margaret couldn’t begin to guess. She waited anxiously, expecting his response in the next delivery.
Christmas fell on a Sunday. They celebrated Boxing Day, Virginia Bell’s favorite holiday, the next day, Monday. Margaret and Virginia were in the midst of preparing the tea things; it was just the two of them in Virginia’s big kitchen. Virginia relished the quiet, the sumptuous peace, of the holiday. She always had, she said, even as a child, especially as a child. She’d come from servants who’d never known a Christmas free from duty, even if it fell on a Sunday.
“Boxing Day was our special day.” She was in a chatty mood, which was not unusual. “They were very well off, you know, the people Mum and Dad worked for. Boxes went not only to the help, but to the help’s children as well. All different, too. Good tobacco in Papa’s box, fine linens in Mum’s. I received a great many figurines over the years, each representing a different country. It grew to be quite a collection. Perhaps you’d like to see it sometime.”
“I would indeed,” said Margaret, spooning black currant into the pretty glass jam jar. Virginia insisted on a minimum of two jams.
Virginia poured hot water, turning to Margaret with a sorrowful look. “That’s jam plenty,” she said.
Virginia frequently paused mid task or sentence, looking at Margaret, cocking her head and smiling that piteous smile. She recently asked if Margaret had written to Henry about the smallpox, and Margaret said that she had, which seemed to worry Virginia. As if she feared he might not send money to a scarred wife. Margaret privately forgave Virginia because her generosity more than compensated, and because they would soon be gone. Today is Monday, she said to herself, better than half over, almost Tuesday then, which would go by quickly because they planned to wash their hair, a time-consuming monthly ritual. That brought them almost to Thursday, nearly to the end of another week.
In the parlor, Virginia drew the curtains against the harsh summer light. Margaret wondered if it snowed in Berkeley, California, if she’d ever again know the pleasure of a cold, white Yuletide.
They had the front room to themselves. The servants were off, of course. The children had scattered. Mr. Bell was down at the docks. Margaret and Virginia took their places on the gold and blue sofa, a baronial piece of furniture, a good ten feet long, with solid mahogany arms and legs. It had taken four men to lift it, Virginia said. She’d inherited the large house and all its grand furniture from her late husband, who’d died of a rupture before he could be brought to hospital. Over tea and scones, Virginia described his last moments, the violent vomiting, the agonizing writhing and sweating.
“It was a frightening spectacle,” she said.
Margaret sympathized, thinking simultaneously that there were worse things than a husband’s death. A child’s death. That was the unspeakable worst.
Virginia shifted, sitting slightly closer, her knees angled in, brushing Margaret’s. “A halfpenny for your thoughts.”
“You’ll hear from him soon.”
Margaret nodded. “I hope you’re right.”
Virginia seemed to hesitate before saying, “Mr. Oades did everything he could.”
Everything but stay.
“Perhaps you’d rather not hear…”
“I would,” said Margaret. “Please tell me what you know.”
“We all saw how distraught he was. Everyone turned out to help the bereft man rebuild his house.” There was a peculiar quiver to Virginia now, an eagerness to divulge all. “Some other ladies and I brought a picnic out to the site one Sunday, which is when I made Mr. Bell’s formal acquaintance.” Virginia dipped her chin to blush, touching Margaret’s hand as she did, an unpleasant sensation, like that of a long-legged spider lighting. “Dear Mr. Oades,” Virginia whispered. “He had such a time of it.”
In that moment, Margaret resolved to truly forgive him for leaving, for her own sake as well as his. “How so after the fact?”
“They say he went nearly insane, that he kept the lamps burning all night long, often riding about in the wee hours, wailing for the children.”
Tears rose in Margaret’s eyes. No father loved his children more.
“Oh, dear. Forgive me, Margaret. I’ve said too much.”
“It’s all right, Virginia. I’m simply not myself today. Will you excuse me, please?” Margaret bent over the tea tray, intending to carry it to the kitchen. Virginia stopped her. Margaret was not to lift a finger. She was to march straight upstairs this very moment and have a nice lie-down.
The weeping began the moment Margaret closed the guest room door, six years’ worth at once. Not since Mary’s death had she wept so hard.
JANUARY PASSED without word from Henry. The days became excruciatingly long. The house was overstaffed as it was. Any contribution on Margaret’s part was regarded as intrusion. She read a great deal and worked with the children on their lessons; but there were still far too many hours in the day and too few ways to purposely fill them.
Evenings were spent in the front parlor, where Margaret was expected to accompany Virginia on the piano. Virginia’s girls, studious towheads, fifteen and thirteen, acted as chorus, harmonizing softly, never upstaging their mother. The other children, Margaret’s, and Oscar, were required to dress properly and serve as audience. Virginia’s shrill voice sent an ice-water chill down the spine. Cyril Bell cheered his wife on, initiating round after round of applause. “Brava, Sweet Puss! Encore! Encore!”
Mrs. Barry, the cook, passed treacly refreshments afterward, biscuits oozing jam, or a trifle soaked in sherry. Margaret’s children were still unaccustomed to such rich treats. The sweets undoubtedly contributed to Martha’s nightmares. Her little girl regularly woke up screaming. “There’s a man at the window!”
It was not unlike Margaret’s own dreams, though the shadow at her window was more often welcoming. She held her perspiring child until she cooled again. “We’re all dreaming of Dad.”
ANOTHER THREE WEEKS went by. Virginia said nothing directly, but Margaret knew she wished them gone. Fish and visitors stink after three days, according to Mr. Benjamin Franklin. They were long past spoiled. No one was more aware of the stench than Margaret.
Margaret was in the kitchen with Mrs. Barry one afternoon in late February, rolling out dough for kidney pasties. Virginia burst through the door, still wearing her good hat and coat. Margaret looked up, swiping her floury hands together. Virginia clutched a thick envelope, giggling like a girl. Margaret suspected her of tippling with the other Devoted-Friends-of-the-Library. “I went behind your back, Margaret.”
Margaret smiled. “Did you now?”
Virginia opened the envelope, displaying the money inside. “What do you suppose it’s for?”
“I have no idea,” said Margaret.
“It’s for you!” cried Virginia, fanning the notes. “For your passage to California!”
Margaret frowned, looking at Mrs. Barry, who shrugged and turned back to the stove. “Where did it come from?”
“From the lovely parishioners at St. Paul’s. I took up a collection. They gave clothes, too. Wait until you see. There’s one frock I wouldn’t mind—”
“You shouldn’t have,” said Margaret, her flesh heating with embarrassment. She was enough of a charity case as it was. Mrs. Barry glanced her way, with a look that said: Don’t be a fool. Take it. Margaret stared at the money. Dear God, how she wanted to leave. She and Henry would pay it back, every last cent, with interest.
“There’s enough here for two,” said Virginia, sobering some. “I thought perhaps John and Josephine might go ahead and then—”
“Out of the question!” said Margaret, shocked.
Virginia’s blue eyes dulled. “John’s nearly a grown man.”
“He’s not,” said Margaret. “He’s barely seventeen.”
Virginia sighed. “Well, never mind then. I was afraid you’d feel this way.” She turned to leave. “Don’t look so forlorn, Margaret. We’ll think of something else.”
Margaret returned to the pasty crust, sprinkling water on the drying edges. It had seemed so real for a moment, so completely possible.
VIRGINIA NEXT ORGANIZED a pie auction, which was held on St. Paul’s green grounds. Margaret and the children were obliged to line up on the auctioneer’s platform and face the bidders, a jolly crowd, quite boisterously pleased with their generous selves. The people waved huge wads of notes in the air, paying outrageous sums for the ladies’ pies. At the end the auctioneer came for Margaret, taking her gently by the elbow, as if she might turn to powder, escorting her to his podium. He left her there alone to express her gratitude, which she did in an even voice, belying the humiliation she so keenly felt.
Virginia later remarked that Margaret might have tried to appear appreciative during the auction, offered a smile, a wave, a measly nod or two. Sufficient money would have been raised had she deigned to look half pleasant, not stood like a glowering post the entire time.
“I’m very disappointed in you, Margaret. Very disappointed indeed.”
Virginia quite clearly had had enough. She augmented the donated funds with her own money, paying for steerage accommodations on board the Sacramento, which was due to sail in two days’ time. Margaret searched out pen and paper, making a mess of the first letter and starting over, giddy with joy.
“You cannot count on your note arriving first,” said Virginia. “Mr. Oades may not be on hand to meet you.”
“Rest your mind,” said Margaret. “I shall find him.”
She began immediately to prepare, going through the boxes of donated clothes, setting aside two frocks apiece for the girls and herself, shirts for John, an extra pair of trousers. One lady had knitted bulky gray scarves which were meant to be wrapped across the lower half of a pitted face. Margaret kept the scarves from Josephine’s sight, choosing instead wide-brimmed felt hats with fresh blue ribbons. Blue had always been Henry’s favorite color.