Patrick decided that this had officially become the second worst day of his life. It began being terrorized by his grandfather about the wooden soldier, then digressed into total, absolute boredom. After the scolding, Patrick hid in his room until lunch. He didn’t plan on coming down, but his grandfather yelled “lunchtime” from the stairway like a troll growling from under the bridge.
It wasn’t a suggestion.
Over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and milk, they sat together in silence.
After lunch he politely excused himself and headed back to his room again. Just before going upstairs, he noticed the large brown box at the foot of the stairs. What could be inside, he wondered? Maybe his father had sent him something from England. Maybe Christmas presents. He looked back and saw his grandfather staring at him from the dining room table. He couldn’t read the look so he made his way up the stairs, straight to his room.
He stayed there until dinner, playing with his toys on the bed, but didn’t really have any fun. Dinner had gone much the same as lunch. After picking through a plate of dry meat loaf, corn, and potatoes, Patrick went back upstairs all alone. During the next two hours, he heard some of his favorite shows playing downstairs on the radio but couldn’t work up enough nerve to go down.
He decided his grandfather must still be sore at him for touching the wooden soldier. Why else had he ignored Patrick so completely? As he lay back on his pillow, he wasn’t sure what had hurt the most: getting yelled at, being alone for another day, missing his mom and dad, or the thought of never being able to play with the wooden soldier again.
This had been a day entirely devoid of childhood joys.
He glanced at his parents’ photograph, first at his father’s face then his mom’s, finally focusing on her eyes. He hadn’t been able to hear either of their voices since this morning. He imagined what she’d be telling him if she were here now. She’d say to get ready for bed, the right way. No shortcuts. Put all his toys away, change into his pajamas, wash his face, and brush his teeth. So that’s what he did.
He could hear his grandfather making little noises downstairs. The smell of his cigar drifted up into the hallway. Patrick didn’t recognize the radio show playing now, but whatever it was, every few seconds it made his grandfather laugh out loud. Once he laughed so hard it made Patrick laugh too. But he didn’t want to laugh. He walked back to his bedroom, sighing as he closed the door. Would they ever laugh together? Would he ever see his grandfather even smile at him?
He folded the covers down and sat on the edge of his bed. He hadn’t planned to look at his mother’s picture anymore tonight. He was simply going to get on his knees and pray one of the shorter bedtime prayers she had taught him. But it was almost as if she was calling to him.
“I hate it here,” he said. “It’s only been one day, but it feels like a hundred. How many more days until Daddy gets here?” He realized he was raising his voice. He buried his face in his hands. “Why did you leave me?” he said. “I can’t do this all by myself. I’m just a boy.”
As he poured out his sorrows, all the painful moments of the day floated through his mind one by one. Each received its own parcel of tears. When the parade of images ended, he felt a strange sensation, as if a peaceful presence had entered the room. He lifted his face, expecting to find someone there. He was still alone. But the peace was there. And it was strong. Somehow it washed away all his sadness and anger.
He glanced at his mother once more as he lay back on the bed; her smile seemed fresh and alive. He didn’t even notice the light was still on. As he closed his eyes, it felt as if the bed rocked back and forth, almost like a cradle. He heard himself singing just before he drifted off to sleep, almost in a whisper: “Little ones to him belong; they are weak, but he is strong.”
Three more inches of fresh snow had fallen during the night. In the predawn hours, Collins manned his post on the porch, coffee mug in hand, as the procession of defense plant workers marched down the street. Watching the falling snowflakes made him mad enough to spit. His was still the only house on the block with an unshoveled walk. That miserable Matthews boy five doors down said he would shovel it two days ago. Well, if he didn’t come first thing after sunup, Collins would grab the first person he saw and pay them double.
He walked back into the house, hung up his coat, and stood over the box that had been delivered the day before. He’d been fighting his curiosity ever since the box arrived. He knew it was none of his business what was inside. His son should be getting back from England soon. By rights, he should just leave it alone and give it to Shawn as it sits.
He walked back into the kitchen and refilled his cup. As he sat at the dining room table, his eyes locked onto the box again. This was getting ridiculous. He should just go on over there and get it over with. The way it was sealed wouldn’t be spoiled by him opening it. The four side flaps had just been folded in on themselves. He could put it back the way he found it, and no one would be the wiser.
He got up and walked to the stairs, leaning his ear upward to catch any movement from the boy. He waited a full minute, but there wasn’t a sound. He walked to his favorite armchair, a brown stuffed affair contoured by thousands of hours spent in its folds. He slid the matching ottoman over with his foot and sat on it. He listened again for the boy. Quietly, he wrestled the top flaps free of their hold and peered inside.
He didn’t know what he’d expected, but this was a disappointment. Just a box of clothes folded sloppily, an assortment of pots and pans and cheap silverware, some framed pictures stacked sideways like a deck of cards. Then down there at the bottom was a cardboard shoe box tied around with string. He hoped to find something to warrant the level of distraction this thing had caused him over the last twenty four hours.
After staring a few minutes, he was struck by a thought that made him both sad and angry. This box represented all his son had acquired in this world. He and his wife were just renting that apartment on Clark Street, furniture too. He probably couldn’t get five bucks for the stuff inside this box at a church rummage sale. So, for the contents of this box, Shawn had turned down an opportunity to run a healthy, growing business, which had more than quadrupled in size since the start of the war. A business that would have been entirely his at this point. And because the business manufactured defense materials, Shawn would have likely received a deferment from the military to keep it running. He would be home and a rich man right now. Instead, Shawn was risking his neck every day over Germany, sending home just enough money each month to sustain what Collins was now looking at in this box.
What a waste, thought Collins. What a total waste.
He was about to close the box back up when the little shoe box caught his attention. Perhaps at least it contained something of value. He wiggled the string loose without untying it and lifted the lid. Just a boxful of folded papers. A bunch more of nothing. They appeared to be letters, at least on top. He thumbed through the stack, half hoping to find at least some stock or bond certificates. But they were all just letters, must be fifty of them. He laid them back in the box and was just about to close the lid when he saw the words “with all my love, Shawn” at the bottom edge of the first one.
He stared at it for the longest time, then set them all down carefully. He noticed something small sliding from the corner of the shoe box, tied together with a piece of brown twine. A pair of rings. A wedding band and another ring with the tiniest diamond setting he’d ever seen. They would have belonged to Shawn’s wife. Just stuck there in the box like that.
Somewhere deep inside, a flame of sympathy flickered to life. These were all letters from Shawn to his wife and the rings he had placed on her finger at a wedding Collins had refused to attend. A wife Collins had never allowed himself to get to know but whom his son loved with all his heart. He recognized Shawn’s handwriting. His wife had even saved all the envelopes. A knot formed in Collins’s throat. He hated how it felt and wished he could will it away.
The knot was the realization that he and Shawn did have something in common now after all these years. The love of a wife and the terrible anguish that follows when you realize she is gone. By now, Shawn had to have been told. Collins missed his Ida so bad just then, almost as badly as the moment her eyes had closed for the last time. Sometimes it seemed like it happened just yesterday. Sometimes like it was a hundred years ago. And sometimes—and this was the most peculiar feeling—it felt like it had never happened, like he had made the whole relationship up in his head, like he had always been just an old man living alone.
He realized where all this brooding was taking him and did not wish to go there. It was a dark empty place without a stitch of comfort, a refuge for the weak and sentimental. And Collins was neither of those. He swallowed hard, quickly dropping the letters back in place. He closed the lid to the shoe box and looped the string back around it. He set the shoe box back in its proper corner and snapped the top flaps shut.
He was startled by a noise on the stairway. “Grandfather?” a young voice called out.
Collins moved away from the box and looked up. It was Shawn coming down the stairs in his pajamas, wiping the sleep out of his eyes. “Shawn,” Collins said, a tenderness in his voice that hadn’t been there in years. “It’s too early for you to be up, son. A growing boy needs his sleep.”
“Huh?” the boy said, rubbing his eyes.
Collins started to walk up the stairs, extending his arms to the boy. But something was wrong. He couldn’t catch it at first. Then he realized. The hair was too light, and the face was off somehow. “Oh no,” he said, suddenly aware of his mistake.
It wasn’t Shawn. How could he have been so foolish?