Sarah’s journal

The week between

Monday

In the history of passionate kisses, that one has to go down as being in the top five. No, the top three. And the number one kiss of my life.

Does he know what that does to me? To have his tongue possess me in such a way? His hands on my waist, holding firmly onto me so that I have nowhere to go? He must know. He manipulates me too well for it to be an accident.

I know I don’t often write in this journal; I see the last entry was several months ago—and concerned a major point in my life that now seems minor. But I suppose that’s the way with me. I only write here when things are getting intense in life and I need a moment to stop and think about them and I do that better with a pen in my hand.

And things are definitely getting intense between Phillip and me. He is incredible. For two weeks I’ve been trying to determine just what it is that turns me on so much about him—and I think I’m getting closer to an answer.

He asked me to look at some websites this week—and to keep an open mind. I sat down Monday night when I got home, to just take a quick glance at a few of them while dinner was on the stove. To make a long story short, I burned dinner and only explored one site most of the night. And it wasn’t even a particularly exotic or exciting site!

It was a medical site apparently written by women for women that went into great detail about women’s genitalia and every possible thing that could be associated with it. There was so much information there that I never learned in health class! I’ve seen some of the porno pictures of naked women before, and always thought, “Well, I don’t look like that.” But I’d never really looked at myself before. I knew I had a clit—but had little knowledge about it. After seeing those pictures on that site and then examining myself in a mirror, well, let’s just say I can’t believe I’ve missed out on so much.

One of the places I spent a lot of time was in the “fantasies” section of that site. It really explained a little better to me why I like it when Phillip ties me up and calls me ‘slave.’  Even writing those words causes a flutter in my stomach. There’s a part of me that still doesn’t believe I voluntarily did what I did on both of these last two weekends. And even while that part of me watches in disbelief, my mind readily accepts the fact that I will go back again this Friday for more of the same treatment.

At least I know now that I’m not alone—or abnormal in my submissiveness. It sounds like many women would like to experience what I have experienced with Phillip. That gives me a great deal of comfort, believe me.

Tuesday

One of the girls at work mentioned today that a bunch of them were going to the movies on Friday night—did I want to come along? I told her I had plans and she asked if I had a date. I told her yes and then changed the subject. But it got me to thinking. If I spend every weekend with Phillip, what does that do to the rest of my social life? Not that I have a very busy one—but I do have some close friends. I don’t want to give them up—but I want to be with him as well. It is something we will need to discuss, and soon.

Tonight I went to the next site on his list and found the definitions of some words that have lately become a very important part of my vocabulary. The site was more from the point of view of someone who is an online submissive or dominant, but was helpful nonetheless. I definitely know now I am not alone in this need/desire to please.

That need has been haunting me, I must say. How could I, who have striven for independence all my life, just suddenly toss it aside and say “Yes, I’ll be your slave”? It just hasn’t made sense to me. Phillip’s words about something missing were dead on—but I’m still struggling with the need to command in the workplace vs. the need to submit to him.

And at first, I was submitting only for the sex. Which was terrific. Incredible and terrific. Out of this world and terrific. Did I mention that sex with Phillip is terrific?

But after this past weekend, when he asked me to submit in other ways, the eating after him and from his plate, wearing clothes out in public that he chose for me…made me realize I want to submit to him in many more ways. There’s a comfort in making no decisions, in having only one job to do: to please him in any way he wishes. But there’s also a danger that I’ll lose myself. The independent me that I like so much. Is there a way to have both?

I suppose I do at the moment—have both, that is. During the week, I’m a normal, well-adjusted, independent working career woman. And on the weekends I’m a sex slave.

Okay, I’m back. Can’t believe I actually wrote that last paragraph. Laughed so hard I had to go to the bathroom. The fact that it’s the truth just heightens the absurdity.

Wednesday

Another day, another website. I keep checking my email to see if Phillip might actually send me a note, but there has been nothing so far. And while I know I could just email him by using that ‘reply’ button, I think I’d better not. If he wants correspondence, he’ll start it. He’s the master after all.

Holy cow! I found it! On the next website on his list, I found this quote by a slave that keeps a log: “What I really, really want is to fly out of myself and visit that place where time doesn’t exist and the spirit can roam among the stars. Being literally tied to the earth, holds my body so my soul can soar.”

That’s it! I have always wanted to get to that place, and, until I met Phillip, have never achieved it. And yet, with him, I’ve been there twice over the past two weekends.

I really like this page. There are lots of other pages to the site, including a page of links. But Phillip asked me to stay only on the sites themselves and not to stray off them. I have no trouble with that—there’s so much information here on these three sites alone that I know I haven’t yet discovered it all.

I also liked this quote that was from her master. “I want control of a woman’s body the same way a conductor wants control over an orchestra. Her body is my instrument, the whip my baton. Just as an orchestra cannot make music without the conductor, just so a slave cannot make glorious music without her master.” That really explains to me why Phillip likes to do what HE does. And that is an important part of this exploration for me. Not only do I need to know what’s in it for me, but I need to know what’s in it for him.

One of the things that first caught my attention regarding Phillip was the latent power I felt emanating from him. It’s soft, gentle, always present, yet I got the feeling the waters ran deep. And that first night, when he asked for permission to tie me up—I looked into his eyes and saw the absence of a power trip. Now I understand why. He doesn’t do this to lord it over me, but to release the emotions in me that I’ve hidden for so long. He does it to release the “glorious music” in me. Wow.

But I’m still curious about the collar…

Thursday

Two sites tonight—the last two he listed. The first one I really liked and I did in fact, print out the list to take to him—since I suspect that’s why he included it. It’s a checklist of activities. Some of the things on there, well, let’s just say never in my wildest dreams did I ever even imagine them! Others look intriguing, some we’ve already done. It should provoke some discussion.

Especially ‘cause of the last site.

This last place was a story archive. Apparently lots of people have fantasies about Dominance and submission and write stories about either their adventures or their dreams. The story Phillip had me read involves a slave who needs even to ask permission to go to the bathroom, and when she finally gets the courage to ask, is punished for her “sin” because her master had told her he wasn’t going to let her go until the morning. That’s going WAY too far. I mean, come on…give the woman a bit of credit for having a brain! Sorry, if that’s what Phillip has in mind, I’m so done with it.

Tomorrow is Friday and we shall meet again. I cannot wait—in spite of the one story and my other concern (about my friends)—the thought of seeing him soon already has my heart pounding. Truth to tell, I’m falling in love.

 Addendum, late Thursday night: I can’t believe I forgot to mention—besides the websites, Phillip asked me to shave for him. All of me. I’ve been thinking about it all week and had decided to wait till tonight so it would be “freshly” done for tomorrow night. Good thing, though, that I did that right after work and before I read that story—not sure I want to follow orders after reading that!

But it feels weird. I just put on my nightgown and it’s so smooth down there. Silky, but in a different way from when my mound was covered. I am very aware of my sex at the moment. Don’t know HOW I’m going to make it through the day tomorrow!

Addendum, Friday morning:  BLAST! Got my period in the night. Will still go to Phillip’s, but will probably be home tonight. Will take enough supplies to last the weekend though, just in case.