24

Dan found Nettie in a state of some agitation. She had just been proposed to by Captain Bolfass, Corporal Inchbewigglit, Corporal Rinfineagelbun, Corporal BukeHammadorf, his half-cousin by marriage, Buke-Willinujit, Buke-Willinujit’s father, Corporal Golholiwol, the Yassaccan Prime Minister and several other Yassaccans she did not actually know, on her way across the lawn. The Prime Minister had even given her a bottle of famous Yassaccan scent. ‘Only wear it for us Yassaccans, my dear,’ he had said and squeezed her bottom.

When Dan caught up with her Nettie was desperately looking for her handbag.

‘God! You don’t think anyone’s stolen it, do you?’

‘I believe they don’t have much crime here on Yassacca,’ said Dan.

‘There’s been all this organized crime since the economy went down the chute,’ said Nettie.

‘But organized crime isn’t going to bother to steal your handbag, Nettie!’ Dan was trying to be reassuring.

‘I’ve got to find it!’ exclaimed Nettie, her eyes blazing just a few inches away from Dan’s, Dan’s knees suddenly relaxed their grip on the standing-up situation, and he had to sit down on the nearest tree stump.

‘Great grief! That wonderful scent you’re wearing!’

‘The Prime Groper of Yassacca just gave it to me in more ways than one,’ replied Nettie.

‘Nettie! I…’ Dan didn’t really have a clue what he wanted to say. It was as if the scent had wrapped itself around him and wouldn’t let go until he told her the truth.

‘What?’ Nettie was back searching a pile of clothes that various people had dumped over a bed that was standing on the veranda of Corporal Golholiwol’s house.

‘Nettie I… I think… I m crazy about you!’ Dan didn’t know quite how it happened, but suddenly he had his arms around Nettie’s waist and was kissing the back of her neck. Nettie span round.

‘Stop that!’ she cried. Dan backed off. ‘You’re getting married to Lucy! You’re going to start a hotel! You’re going to have kids and all that sort of thing!’

‘Everything’s changed!’ said Dan. ‘We can’t go back to Earth. It’s all different here!’ And he tried to put his arms round her again. But Nettie backed away.

‘Now hold on, Romeo!’ said Nettie. ‘I’m not an emotional doormat for your convenience! Besides! You’re going back to Earth! We’re all going back to Earth - I hope - just as soon as I find my handbag!’

‘What have you got in your handbag? A Concorde ticket home? A pocket rocket?’ Dan didn’t doubt for a moment that Nettie had the solution if she said she had - he knew that if any one of them had the brains to get them back it would be Nettie. He worshipped her. He admired her. But why couldn’t he tell her properly instead of behaving like a sex-crazed halfwit?

‘Let’s just find it, shall we?’ said Nettie. So Dan stopped asking questions and put his mind to looking for the handbag.

‘I’m sorry! Are you looking for this?’ Corporal Golholiwol was holding up Nettie’s handbag. Nettie grabbed it, opened it and started feverishly rummaging through it.

Dan looked at Corporal Golholiwol. ‘Nettie’s got something in it that will help us get back to the Earth.’ He hoped Nettie wouldn’t hear how like a sex-crazed halfwit he sounded.

‘Would it be these?’ Corporal Golholiwol held up a package, neatly wrapped in a broad leaf. Nettie snatched it from him, checked its contents and then looked up at the corporal.

‘What the blazes do you mean by taking things out of my handbag?’ Her eyes were like miniature SD guns. Corporal Golholiwol felt himself disintegrate and splatter all over the veranda. He looked genuinely taken aback.

‘Oh dear!’ he said. ‘Have I done something contrary to your Earth customs? On Yassacca it is traditional for the host to go through his guests’ handbags and do little repairs and mending jobs on the contents.

‘Well… It’s not an Earth custom ..’ said Nettie, still furious. ‘But… thanks for developing the film for me. That’s exactly what I was looking for.’

‘It was my pleasure,’ said Corporal Golholiwol, gazing adoringly at Nettie. ‘Most of the photos seem to have come out OK. I also re-electro-plated your nail scissors, restored several missing teeth to your comb, and re-silvered your little mirror.’

‘Why! Thank you so much, Corporal!’ Nettie had regained her composure and was searching through the photographs that Golholiwol had developed. Then suddenly she found what she was looking for. ‘Here! Look, Dan! It’s the rectory! They came out! Those long exposures! Look! THEY CAME OUT!’

Dan felt he was a bit out of his depth, but he just said, without enthusiasm: ‘Oh, good! It’ll be nice to have a souvenir.’

Nettie, however, had already spun round and run off towards a group of Yassaccans who were talking gloomily over the roasting snork.

‘Rodden!’ Nettie called out, and the Navigational Officer turned around. ‘Rodden! I’ve got it! YOU CAN GET US BACK TO EARTH!’ Nettie thrust two of the photographs into his hands. He took them unwillingly, not wishing to get involved in any fantasy that this attractive but dim female might have concocted.

‘Well!’ cried Nettie, hardly able to contain her excitement. ‘Look at them! What do you see?’

Rodden reluctantly looked down at the photos in his hand, and studied them. ‘It’s a house… on Earth I assume…’ he said slowly. ‘A former rectory… by the look of it… with planning permission for commercial use…’

‘That’s amazing!’ exclaimed Nettie. ‘How d’you know all that?’

The Navigational Officer smiled smugly as he took off his translatorspecs and said: ‘It’s written on the estate agents’ board.’ He loved baffling beautiful but not too bright females.

‘Oh! Right… Anyway it’s the place Dan and Lucy were going to buy before your Starship smashed into it.’

‘So?’ Rodden was suddenly looking at them with increasing attention. ‘How do you suppose these will help you?’

‘I took them at night!’ cried Nettie excitedly. ‘Look at the sky! Especially that one, there! Look!’

A broad smile suddenly creased across Rodden’s face.

‘YOU CAN SEE THE STARS!’ cried Nettie.

‘My dear young woman,’ said Rodden. ‘You must forgive me for underestimating your…’

‘Easy-over on the flattery!’ replied Nettie. ‘I don’t mind what you thought! The main thing is can you get any co-ordinates on those star patterns that will show where the Earth is? Are there enough stars in the shot?’

Rodden was silent for some time. Nettie watched him anxiously, and suddenly Dan, who had joined them by this time, found Nettie’s hand in his and she was squeezing it.

Rodden stared and stared at the photo. Finally he looked up. ‘Theoretically,’ he said. ‘Yes. It should be a simple questlon of three-dimensional geometry. There is only one place in the galaxy in which the stars will appear in that exact configuration… But I’m not sure this photo will provide enough information…’

The Earth folks’ hearts sank. The Navigational Officer was clearly trying to let them down gently. Nettie cursed herself; she had allowed her hopes to get too high. She was always doing that - especially with her men.

‘But,’ the Navigational Officer was continuing. ‘I think I could enhance the image - do you have the negative?’

‘It’s here!’ shouted Corporal Golholiwol,

‘Then let’s see what we can do,’ said Rodden. And with that the party suddenly started to seem more cheerful for everybody concerned.