Eight

The Silent Tide – Trinica’s Suggestion – The Toast of the Barflies – A Confession

Frey just couldn’t get comfortable. He shifted his weight in the chair, but that didn’t seem right either. He didn’t know where to put his elbows. He was too hot in the jacket he wore. He plucked at the cuffs and looked about, feeling hunted.

The restaurant was exquisite, with walls and columns of pink marble. Gold chandeliers and sconces spread islands of soft light over the tables. Polished cutlery and glass glittered around small but artfully crafted centrepieces. Dakkadian waiters glided silently past, carrying dishes.

The diners were mostly expat Vards, but there were a smattering of Samarlans among them. Sammies had their own restaurants and clubs, where foreigners weren’t allowed, but this restriction didn’t apply in reverse. Here, in the Free Trade Zone, the races mixed and mingled in a way they couldn’t do anywhere else. Frey had heard on the grapevine that this was the place to go if you were a rich Vard in Shasiith. So that was where he’d gone, even though he was anything but rich.

Frey had one of the best tables. He was sitting right up against the balustrade, on a veranda that extended out over the banks of the river below. The city lights shone from the far bank, multiplied in the slow-moving black water. It was night, and still blood-warm, but a faint and merciful breeze stirred the air.

He was glad he’d insisted on this table when he made the reservation. It meant that he wasn’t surrounded. He’d been to society functions before, always unwillingly, and he always hated them. Cultured folk made him deeply uneasy. They had a way of making him feel like an intruder. No matter how well he disguised himself as one of them, they sensed him: an uneducated orphan, without manners or finesse, trying to clamber above his allotted station. One wrong move and they might fall on him like wolves and tear him limb from limb.

He sipped from a glass of water and dearly wished it was something stronger. He fidgeted in his seat and adjusted his clothes. He’d borrowed them from Crake, who was roughly the same size. They were too light against his skin and didn’t seem to hang right. He felt unprotected and vulnerable, and despite all Crake’s assurances he thought he looked a little stupid.

He picked up the menu and scanned it for the tenth time, to give himself something to do. It was written in both Samarlan and Vardic, not that it made the meals any more comprehensible. He cast his eye over the wine list. His sphincter tightened involuntarily at the prices. How could a few glugs of booze possibly be worth that much?

Don’t think about it, Darian. You’re in their world now.

Damn, he was nervous.

Then he saw her, as she was led out onto the veranda by a waiter. He raised his hand in tentative greeting, wearing an expression so eager it was almost comical. The waiting was at an end: the tortured awkwardness of the lonely diner was over. He’d wondered whether she’d come at all, or how long he’d be able to stand it if she was late. But now Trinica was here, and everything was alright.

He’d witnessed her transformations before, but they were so rare that they never failed to overwhelm him. Most of the time she looked like she belonged in a straitjacket, but sometimes, just sometimes, she changed for him.

She’d stripped away her white make-up, her red lipstick, her black contact lenses. She’d styled her chopped and tattered hair until, somehow, it flattered her. She’d put on a dark blue dress that clung to her narrow hips. She’d become the woman he’d known before, the woman he’d loved and discarded when he was still just an idiot boy who wasn’t ready for marriage or children or any of that.

How he wished he could go back and talk some sense into that boy now. To tell him what he’d be giving up. What ruin he’d bring on both of them, and how he might never be able to make it right again. Maybe then that boy would’ve thought twice about running out on her on their wedding day.

But, he had to admit, it would probably have made no difference. He wouldn’t have listened. And they’d still be where they were tonight, two people on opposite sides of a broken and shattered wasteland, trying to pick a path through the rubble to reach one another.

He got up as she approached and pulled her chair out for her. It made him feel absurd, but Crake had told him to do it, so he did. Trinica must have thought the gesture strange, coming from him, but to her credit she gave no sign, and seated herself as if it happened to her every day. He sat back down, mildly embarrassed but relieved that no disaster had occurred.

She looked over the balustrade at the view. ‘I’m impressed,’ she said. ‘When you coerced me into a private rendezvous, I didn’t expect such a lovely venue.’

‘Coerced is a bit strong,’ said Frey. He couldn’t keep a grin off his face. ‘I’d say gently encouraged.’

‘I hope that my presence here means the relic will be delivered to me as promised? And there’ll be no more talk of running off to fence it yourself?’

‘I’ll bring it over to the Delirium Trigger when I get back,’ he said. ‘As long as you’re nice.’

‘Darian,’ she said chidingly. ‘I’m always nice.’

‘Oh, I almost forgot. I have a present for you.’ He produced a book from beneath the table and passed it to her. She looked down at it and then back up at him with something like amazement in her eyes.

‘Hope it’s something good,’ he said. ‘I can’t even read the title. Just thought, y’know . . . you have a lot of those sort of books in your cabin, so I nicked it off the train.’

‘It’s called The Silent Tide,’ she said. She stroked the cover lightly. ‘It’s beautiful edition. Thank you.’

‘What’s it about?’

‘It’s a classic romance.’

‘Do they get it together at the end?’

‘No. They die. It’s a tragedy.’

‘Oh.’ He wasn’t sure if that made it a good gift or a bad one. But she seemed delighted, so he reckoned he’d done well.

The waiter, who had been hovering at a polite distance, approached and asked them if they would like some wine.

Frey bumbled. He’d been so busy gaping in horror at the wine prices that he hadn’t actually thought to pick one. He blanked for a moment then said: ‘I think the lady should choose?’ He looked at Trinica. ‘I’m sure you know your wine. Pick any one you like.’

‘Any one?’ she said, in a tone that he didn’t like. ‘My, my.’

She laid her hand on the wine menu, drawing it towards her. She regarded him for a long moment, a faint smile playing at the edge of her lips. Then she handed the menu to the waiter without opening it, and said something to him in rapid Samarlan. The waiter took the menu, gave a little bow of acknowledgment, and left.

Frey watched her, mesmerised. When he was in the mood, he found her full of little wonders. The effortless way she dealt with the world made him melt in admiration.

She caught his look. ‘Darian,’ she said, almost as a warning. But he couldn’t help himself, he had to stare at her, and after a moment she looked away and blushed. Actually blushed. The sight shocked him. He hadn’t seen her blush in more than a decade.

They fell into their old, easy rhythms of conversation. Each time they met, it took them less and less time to relax with one another. The wine came, and they talked. Frey tried to keep the conversation light. He was keen that words shouldn’t get in the way. All he wanted was to enjoy this time with her, this being together, and he wanted her to feel that too.

Trinica ordered his dinner for him, because he didn’t recognise anything on the menu as food. When it came, it was delicious – she knew his tastes – but he was still none the wiser as to what it actually was. She picked at her dish, eating slowly with tiny, precise bites. Frey usually wolfed his meals down, but tonight he made sure to pace himself according to Crake’s instructions, and he talked with such enthusiasm that she finished before he did.

‘How was it?’ he asked, when the waiter had cleared away their plates and left dessert menus behind.

‘Wonderful,’ she said, with an earnestness that warmed him. Her eyes shone. It was as if she’d gradually been coming alive throughout the meal, as if every bite restored her more and more.

‘I thought you’d like it. All this.’ He waved a hand to indicate the restaurant. ‘Thought maybe you hadn’t been to one in a while.’

An expression of tender gratitude crossed her face, just for a moment, and then she looked away quickly and it was gone. The woman she’d been had enjoyed many meals like this, and in grander places. She was accustomed to finery, and there had been little enough of that as a pirate. This was her normality, but she’d not been normal for a long time.

‘I am rather enjoying being anonymous,’ she said. ‘No one casting sidelong glances at me, no need to worry about where the exits are or who might be out for the bounty on my head.’

‘I wish I could do what you do,’ said Frey. ‘Take off my disguise, stop being a captain for a night.’

‘What if this is the disguise?’

‘No,’ he said. ‘This is you. That pirate queen get-up might work on your crew, but you can’t fool me.’

She seemed pleased. ‘Well, disguise or not, I’m still the captain. You never stop being that.’ His face must have fallen a little then, because she frowned and said: ‘Darian, something’s troubling you.’

‘Something happened, during the heist,’ he said. But he didn’t want to tell her about the Dak with the bayonet. He wanted to drop the subject entirely, since they were straying into serious territory, but he couldn’t think of a way to deflect her.

‘You know what happened to my last crew,’ he said, eventually.

It was a statement, not a question, but she answered anyway. ‘I know. The Shacklemores told me.’

He grasped for some way to get at what he wanted to say. ‘How do you cope?’ he asked. ‘I mean, your crew worship you. They want you to lead them. But what if you get it wrong? What if you make a mistake, and all those people die?’

‘I should think, if that happened, I’d die with them.’

‘You would, wouldn’t you?’ he said. ‘You’re just the kind to go down with the ship.’

‘Not with the ship. With the crew.’ She leaned forward. ‘Darian, your crew aren’t your slaves. They’re not even really employees. They choose to do what they do. They share in the risk and they share in the profit. If they’re loyal, it’s because you earned it from them. And they are loyal, though sometimes I’m at a loss as to why. They’d follow you anywhere.’

Frey nodded thoughtfully. ‘They’d follow me. That’s what I’m afraid of.’ Then he hit on a way to the heart of what was bothering him. ‘You know what it is? It never mattered if I failed before. Everyone pretty much expected me to screw up. But ever since Sakkan, it’s like I have to be right all the time. And every time I am, every time I pull off something like this train heist, it only makes it worse.’

Trinica looked sympathetic. ‘You never could handle it when things were going well.’

‘Reckon you’re right at that,’ said Frey. He sat back and sipped his wine, his face sour. ‘Never really thought I deserved it.’

Trinica cocked her head, her green eyes puzzled, as if that were the oddest thing she’d ever heard. But then her gaze dropped, and she gave a little shake of her head.

‘I wish I had something to say that would make it better, but I don’t. This is what being a captain is. And you will fail, sooner or later. If you keep the course you’re on, you will lose crew, because the both of us play a dangerous game. If you’re not ready for that, then you shouldn’t be in command.’

Frey looked downcast. ‘You’ve lost men. And I know you care about them. What do you tell yourself?’

‘Some of them I’ve lost to you,’ she reminded him. ‘And it hurts, Darian. I won’t lie to you. But I tell myself I did my best, and that losses are inevitable in our profession, and all manner of things like that. As long as I don’t abuse their loyalty, I can look at myself in the mirror. The day I do is the day I don’t deserve to lead them. Same applies to you.’

Frey smiled weakly, tapping his fingers on the table. ‘I was kind of hoping you’d find a way to make me feel better, not worse.’

Then she did something that surprised him. She sat forward in her chair, hesitated as if uncertain, then quickly reached across the table and laid her hand over his, stilling his fingers. He felt a flush of warmth at her touch. Just this small contact was a gesture of extraordinary intimacy from her. Damn, how he wanted this woman. He couldn’t be near her without feeling the urge to slide his arm around her waist, to kiss her neck, to be close to her. But this was not the woman he left behind, so he never did. He had to let her come to him: each small step needed to be Trinica’s, with no sudden moves on his part.

If somebody somewhere gave out medals for restraint, then he reckoned he was due a couple for sure.

‘Okay,’ he said, breathing out as if he’d just hit the crest of a Shine high. ‘That helps.’

She drew her hand away as quickly as she’d put it there, and looked almost bashful for having done it. That was Trinica. One moment she was all elegance, the next she was a child. She could dance and laugh and then she’d cut your tongue out. She would be giddy with happiness and then suddenly drop into a blackness that no one could save her from.

But she turned her anger on him less and less these days. And her dark moods didn’t seem to reach her quite so often when he was around.

She looked up suddenly, struck with an idea. ‘You need a first mate.’

‘Is that an offer?’

She laughed brightly. ‘I don’t think so. You might be the toast of the barflies but you haven’t caught up with me yet. I just think it might help to have someone to share the burden of command.’

‘Who would I choose?’ he asked. ‘Pinn’s too thick, Harkins is too scared, Malvery wouldn’t want it and Silo’s practically mute: he just does what he’s told. Crake’s smart but he’s no leader.’

‘Which leaves Jez.’

‘Couldn’t pick Jez. She’s capable enough, but she’s a half-Mane. You’ve seen her flip out.’

‘Yes I have. And it saved our lives that day on the Storm Dog. Is it so bad?’

‘The crew . . . listen, they all know how great she is at her job, but she’ll always make them uneasy. And it doesn’t help that she keeps to herself so much.’

‘Well,’ said Trinica. ‘It’s your choice, of course.’

But Frey really couldn’t think of anyone suitable. ‘You don’t have a first mate. You’ve got that ugly feller Crund as your bosun.’

‘He deals with the crew, but I don’t need someone to discuss command decisions. The slightest hint of uncertainty would undermine me. I’m a woman leading a crew of violent men. I keep my own counsel on the Delirium Trigger. ’

‘Must be lonely.’

‘It’s what I have to do.’

There was something in her tone that brought the conversation to a halt. Frey became aware of the clink of cutlery, the murmur of the other diners in the restaurant, the steady flow of the river beyond the veranda. It felt like a moment, an empty space that was waiting to be filled, and before he knew it, he said:

‘I miss you.’

He was immediately appalled. It was unforgivable to drop his guard like that. He’d been lulled by the night into spilling his feelings in a mess all over the table, and now he’d ruined everything. He waited for her to tell him not to be foolish, to wither him with her scorn.

Instead, she simply said: ‘I know.’ And there was such regret and sorrow in her eyes that she didn’t need to say the rest of it, the part that couldn’t be spoken aloud.

I miss you too.

He poured more wine, and they drank and ordered dessert. They talked of other things and didn’t mention it again. But from that point on till the end of the meal, Frey had to restrain himself from punching the air for joy.