Chapter 68

“What’s it like being loved by a bear?”

“Everything. It’s everything.”

—Conversation overheard in a Moscow café

YAKOV BLOCKED HER from getting off the bed. “Pasha, can you give us a few minutes?”

“I’ll go help Arwen sort out food for you guys.” Then he was gone, closing the door behind himself.

Yakov cupped the uninjured side of Theo’s face. “Look at me,” he said when she continued to scan the small room for an escape hatch that would spit her outside, far from the families in this den.

When he wouldn’t allow her to jump off the bed, she grabbed his wrist. “You have cubs here!” Mouth dry, breath short, her skin hot. “You need to get me out—I could hurt them in a rage.”

Her bear didn’t budge. “Almost every single adult in this place is stronger than you,” he said in a voice that held the bear’s grumble. “You won’t be coming into contact with any cubs on your own while you’re laid up in the infirmary. Even Nova’s cub isn’t permitted to wander around the infirmary at will.”

She fought to draw in enough air. “I—” Grabbing the glass of nutrients, she sucked hard on the straw.

The blast of energy cleared her thoughts. “Okay, okay,” she said after a few deep breaths. “I won’t try to escape the infirmary.” He was right; she was under constant watch here, couldn’t act out without being halted.

“But I can’t live here.” Her eyes burned, because she knew this was his home, his heart. “I’m so sorry, but I can’t.” She’d exist in a state of constant panic and fear—yet the idea of being torn from him?

Sharp stabs through her veins, hurt in her soul. “I could stay at the apartment,” she suggested. “You wouldn’t have to be with me every day, could still stay in the den whenever you wanted.” Theo would never attempt to separate him from his clan and his family.

Even if she needed him with a desperation that hurt.

A growling nip of her finger. “If you think I’m not cuddling you every night forever, we’re going to have a problem.” Amber in those eyes now. “Because you and me, Theo? We’re locked in stone now.”

So much smug happiness in his expression that it cut right through her panic.

“But I know we mated in exigent circumstances,” he said, searching her face. “If you need time—”

“No. I don’t.” Theo spread a hand over his chest, her next words blurted out. “I’m keeping you even if you gave yourself to me by accident.”

A wicked grin. “I think of it more as stealing you.” He nuzzled her oh-so-gently. “We’ll build a place not far from the den, but far enough away that the cubs can’t wander out to it without supervision.

“We can come here to eat, socialize, hang out—but until we figure out the rages, you never have to enter the den alone. You can come with me, or with Pavel, or with anyone else in the clan you trust is strong enough to overpower you.” A dark glance at her bracelet. “Not that it’ll be necessary if you’re wearing that thing.”

“You won’t mind?” Theo asked, her stomach yet in knots. “Not living in the den? You love it.”

“I love you more.” Words so blunt it was impossible not to believe them. “Also, we’ll be overrun with visitors who never want to leave, trust me.” He rolled his eyes. “I’ll have to kick their butts out.

“Be warned—bears don’t know the meaning of personal space. But they’ll respect your wish to protect the cubs, and I guarantee you’ll have no surprise cub visitors, even if I have to set up a perimeter alert system to pick up any intrepid runaways. Unlikely any baby would be able to get to the area I’m considering, though.”

His scent in her nose and his heart a solid beat beneath her palm, the warmth of him an embrace, Theo considered his words.

Bears.

She was in a den full of bears.

Strong, dangerous, bears.

With her and Yakov living outside and only coming in for communal things like meals, the risk that she’d be alone with a cub—especially if she took care never to be alone with a cub—was minimal. The same applied to any other more vulnerable members of StoneWater.

She trembled, fear a claw hooked into her gut. “I’m not myself when the rage takes over. I have no intentional control at all.” It was an awful thing to know about herself, but she had to accept and ameliorate the risk even if she could do nothing to stop the episodes.

“Keja told me all of it while you were unconscious,” she shared with Yakov. “About how my grandfather and his team damaged my brain on purpose to make me more malleable . . . but the side effect is rage. I have it, she has it, so do Santo and Janine and any others Keja got out.”

She could see him struggling with her words, but what he said in return stopped her cold. “Can you rig your bracelet to dose you with a drug instead of delivering a shock?” Gritted-out words. “Can’t believe I’m fucking suggesting this, but if that’s what you need to feel safe, that’s what you need.”

Theo’s brain couldn’t process his words. “What?”

“Pchelka, you defaulted to a painful deterrent because your psychopathic grandfather used the same to torture you. There’s no need for you to punish yourself with pain if the intent is to knock you out before you become dangerous.” Wild amber, a rough determination. “Is there a drug that can knock you out without messing with your Psy abilities?”

“I—” She frowned, nodded. “Yes. There is. General pain meds aren’t useful to us because they scramble our abilities while leaving us awake, but one class of heavy-duty narcotics does work for the opposite reason—because it shuts down both body and mind. No aftereffects.”

“Then put that in a bracelet. A dose that’ll knock you out seconds after it senses an oncoming episode. You’ll fall where you stand. No warning. Total shutdown.”

She could see that the idea of her being so helpless devastated him . . . But he loved her enough to give her this thing that to him was terrible. Chest aching, she pressed her forehead to his. “Yes, that will give me peace, let me live close to your clan.” It was the only way she could ever be certain that she wouldn’t hurt anyone during an episode.

“You can still use the original bracelet when you’re away from the den,” he said, his shoulder muscles bunched tight. “As a warning system to get to a safe place before the rage storm hits.”

“No,” she said. “There’s no guarantee that I’ll make it. And Yasha, I’d rather collapse in a public area full of strangers than have even a single more drop of blood on my hands.”

But because his anguish devastated her, she took the idea further. “When I modify the bracelet,” she said, “I’ll insert a chip that links it to your phone. So you’ll know the instant it activates. You can alert my brother to get to me with his teleporter, or send a clanmate to check on me if I’m alone in den territory.”

“Link it to three other people,” Yakov said at once. “Pavel and Pax. Arwen, too. I want you to have backup upon backup.”

She agreed without hesitation. He’d given her what she needed to feel safe. She could give him what he needed to ease his fear of her lying helpless and alone. “It’ll work,” she said, because it was her turn to reassure him.

But Yakov didn’t soften. His expression intent, he said, “Serdtse moyo, while I’ll agree to this for now, I want you to keep an open mind—after you’ve healed and settled, I want to run an experiment where you don’t wear the bracelet.”

He pressed a finger to her lip when she would’ve spoken. “Full safety measures. Controlled monitoring.”

Struggling to do as he’d asked, keep that open mind, Theo said, “Why?”

“Because we’re mated now. It’s possible an episode might not overwhelm you, that the load will be spread over two.” His eyes narrowed. “Or . . . best-case scenario, the rage never actuates again, because my mind will continuously compensate for any fluctuations in yours. Minor corrections so the pressure just never builds up to an episode.”

“The load on you if—”

“I’m bonded to Valya and every other second in the den, as well as to Nova. That’s how a clan works. As a combined unit.” Rough passion in every word. “If it works as I’m hoping, if my mind acts like a release valve on yours, then the load will spread, won’t even be noticed.”

Theo could barely comprehend the enormity of that possibility.

And it hit her, really hit her for the first time. “We’re mated,” she whispered, curling around his bearish presence inside her. “We’re mated.” To have the right to call him her own? The wonder of it stole her breath. “I don’t remember it happening.”

His scowl was heavy. “Me neither and I’m gonna sulk about it. Pasha tells me it’s a fucking transcendental experience. I just felt you reach for me and I reached for you in return and I guess my bear took care of the rest.”

Laughing wetly, she kissed the dimples she so loved. “I bet our bond is more transcendental than theirs,” she said, knowing how to play with her bear now. “Plus we made it in a very dramatic fashion. That counts.”

“Damn straight.” He squeezed the back of her neck. “Now, get back in bed, before Nova finds you attempting an escape.”

“I love you.” So very easy to say that now she’d accepted that she’d never chosen evil. She didn’t have to punish herself by living a life devoid of love and hope. The guilt for what she’d done while in her grandfather’s control . . . that would be with her for life, but she wasn’t sure that was a bad thing. It meant she was a being of heart, of empathy.

A grin from her bear. “I know.” Dimples flashing again, he pretended to nip at her lower lip while avoiding the lightly bruised area. “I—”

Irises turning a primal yellow-hued amber at the same instant that he sucked in a breath of air. She’d have worried except that his lips were curved and when he returned from wherever he’d gone he said, “You know what I just saw, Theo?” Joy that bled into her cells.

“I saw you playing with a naked wild child in the long grass of a summer meadow. He was giggling and laughing and he turned into a ball of brown fur mid-roll through the grass. He’s ours, Theo. Our boy. I don’t know when, but I know one day you’ll play with our son in a summer meadow drenched in sunshine.”

The sheer wonder of his vision had her sobbing and then she was tugging him onto the bed so she could crawl into his lap, just hold him as he held her, hope a living song between them.